i feel like a burden

[hallow inlet]

(I’m not sure if you want a respond or not but-)
First, I’m sorry you had to go through those things with your family. As an outside perspective, you’re not the problem here. It’s part of being human to be sensitive, to feel negatively abt urself.

I already feel proud of you that you’re trying even though there’s many obstacles pushing you back.

I’m not in college so I’m not sure how to help but for your personal life, try to not focus on many things at one time. First, try to build better habits with getting enough sleep and waking up on time. (Ik it’s college. I use loud alarm ringtone to wake up) second, try out some study hacks or get someone to tutor, or just go online and find videos. Third, find something you like to do and spend some time on it each day, I hope it can make you feel a little better.

[vapid hearth]

Thank you for your kind words. 💓 it certainly did made me happy to see that someone thinks I'm not the issue.

I have couple of issues here. I can't wake up early unless I sleep late, if I sleep early I can only wake up pass 9 even if I play a loud alarm. Second, I make sure to do that. however the third one is a bit difficult. I'm not sure why these days I can't enjoy anything. I only feel like I must enjoy everything.

[hallow inlet]

How late is ‘late’.

[vapid hearth]

Well I think it's late when it doesn't feel like an achievement. For example if I get a job at 23 then it's not 'Wow! Good job' it's like you had to. I also wish to be this and that right now because I'm next all these people and if I end up being successful now. My mom will not be ashamed of me, I can finally cut off my ex from my life and feeling really happy, I can alse finally be equal to my classmates.

I kind of feel like life is like a movie like I should hit my realisation right now and then should get motivated and do all of this things- you know how step by step character developments are?

[hallow inlet]

Idk what that is but everyone is at different steps right now and if you’re rushing to be at the same step at them and skip the others, ofc you’re gonna feel negative because you can’t be like them. I rlly want you to just focus on yourself and don’t rush to be successful alr.

[vapid hearth]

I also feel like a bad friend for wanting to step outside and focus on myself. My friends are the best, they get angry at me for thinking like this and they always say I should get alone with myself. But I feel bad cause my insecurities are making me jealous of my friends- I don't wish them bad or harm but I just feel jealous that they're doing better than me.

[hallow inlet]

Sounds like you hv good friends, they care for u. They know u better than me so you should follow their advice too and love yourself more, don’t push yourself so much and stress out

[vapid hearth]

I'm embarrassed to tell them how bad I feel. It's embarrassing cause everyone knows me as optimistic and stuff. Now if I tell them that I can't think straight- if they can't help me or give me advice I would feel I have put them in a difficult situation

[hallow inlet]

Tbh you don’t have to tell them but getting help from ur friend would be better. Maybe open up a little by little from smaller problems to a bigger one

[serene wadi]

embarrassed? nobody is perfect, a person can be the best version of themselves but it doesnt mean they dont have any struggles you shouldnt say that to yourself because you end up being too hard on yourself thus you except alot that if it doesnt go your way you feel unhappy about the result

did you know that being optimistic doesnt just come from being naturally happy

people become optimistic because of their problems in order to try and solve it

please dont hurt yourself like that you cannot be happy if you keep it to yourself

be open and discover more things that could help you

being open not only makes you feel better in releasing your feelings but it also makes you learn things from other people

[vapid hearth]

So I actually did- But I feel kinda bad? 😅 My friend said that she's sorry but she can't give advice or help because she is experiencing the same thing

[vapid hearth]

Thanks for your advice. I really love to take it into consideration but I don't how... I thought just having alone time is enough to feel better but it seems like I have to do specific activities to end up changing my mindset

[vapid hearth]

This was really nice of you. I read it the minute you sent it but I wasn't feeling well so I ended up not replying but ut helped alot 💓

My issue is that times like this when I feel slightly better I think I'm done with feeling down. But it's a cycle I feel good for a week and then the miserable feeling starts again... times like this I stop taking care of myself and drop myself in the same situations that makes me upset because I think I'm stronger now but it doesn't help...

[serene wadi]

hello, im glad i could make you feel better i get that you are still confused or thinking on how to make good changes in your life and dont worry its normal no change comes in an instant so it take little steps until you become better

[serene wadi]

okay lets be real here though its also normal that we have ups and downs but i want to ask you what are the methods that you have thought of doing to improve?

the reason why you feel miserable all over again is because maybe you remember the times people tried to help you or try to support you but you felt like its a burden thus when it happens again you refuse help and get the same feeling over and over

is it correct?

but im serious though you deserve love n care from your circle so i hope you could accept that

many people want you to be happy it would also hurt them the same way you will if you feel like a burden

[vapid hearth]

You guys are so nice.. I absolutely don't want to start crying in uni because of your kind words :(((

[vapid hearth]

Hmm.. I have got myself a notebook to write down what's going on. I try to write down bad thoughts in my head to stop thinking about them. I have been doing this for 3-4 months but it's only lately that's having a positive outcome.
Either then that I do nothing- I just have isolated myself and I keep watching movies and reading books and studying.

[vapid hearth]

Yeah. That and the fact that I automatically compare myself to others. I can't control it at all- for example my friend sended me a video and I start it to feel bad, I was like they send better videos, I only send stupid funny video's that aren't funny at all. or they recommend me a movie and I feel stupid and not active because I never recommend a great movie.

[vapid hearth]

Yeah this upsets me a little because I have such great friends- if my friends hear the words I'm saying they'll be so upset, they push me aside and tell me we love you because you're a good friend, because it's nice to have you. We don't care about the movie or how many book you have read

I feel bad because I belive friendship is about conversation, I have this belif for everyone except myself...

[serene wadi]

exactly so thats why i am trying to tell you how bad it could get i dont want your friend circle to go downhill because of it i am serious when i say you deserve the care

[serene wadi]

well everyone is different i have felt these before especially when i couldnt fit in a friend group back then but you know those little details is not the part that makes you a good friend

understand that some people wouldnt see it the same way and there will be people who see it differebt

you will also meet even more people in your life until you get into other circles

[serene wadi]

ah yes the notes, it is one of the most helpful coping methods i have done except i would type it in a notepad instead but actually.. what if you tried 2 notebooks one with your bad thoughts and issues and the other notes for every nice moment you had like for example when i compliment you, you could write that down or like when something good happened today you could write that and then you could write the motivations and encouragement that people tell you like right now and when you feel down you may read the positive side of your notebook after writing something down in ur other :))

hey it seems like a stupid idea but i just thought it could help your feelings

by collecting the joyful moments and words that you hear from us and others

hope you soon understand you are worth more than you think thats why your own friends love you

[gaunt beacon]

I am very sorry if this is too late but you’re defiantly not an issue you can’t compare yourself to everyone because everyone is different in there own way you’re just as important as everyone and I’ll always be here for you if you need feel free to dm me

[vapid hearth]

you're probably right.. you see what you see makes sense and i understand it but idk why when i feel bad i can't have it make sense to me

[vapid hearth]

i thought i would be weak to do that .. you know one thing i hate is going back and read the negative thoughts.. it takes me back to the horrible state all over again. now that you said it.. i don't feel that stupid to do it

[vapid hearth]

no i think it's good haha because you kinda will get comfortable to be your own friend ?

[vapid hearth]

thank you i wish you all the best things and joy :(💜

[vapid hearth]

you're so sweet I'm sorry it took me a long time to reply but that's very nice of you. i do understand people are different but i have a hard time accepting that it's okay for me to not be okay. i just feel stupid that everyone can leave with their problems and i can't move a finger

[serene wadi]

@vapid hearth i sincerely apologize for my inactivity

i was not able to reply anymore because i was gone for awhile

but i hope your life has been treating you well these days

[vapid hearth]

oh hello it's totally okay
it's very nice of you for your kind words. thank you i hope you're doing well as well