#Im Broken

14 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

flint brook
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I feel completely and totally rejected, and it is destroying me.
In 8th grade (i am a male, currently in my sophomore year of high school) i met a girl, lets call her Sam.
So I met her in biology, and a bunch of people were hitting on her and saying shit behind her back that were extremely inappropriate, and i told her one day, and it turns out she is lesbian with a girlfriend, so it didnt really matter that much. For the next year we would become friends, but I was a terrible person in 8th and 9th grade. I was friends with people who were ||racist, sexist, homophobic, bigots, all around terrible people|| and i picked up those ideals because they were what was considered the "cool group". I said stuff I wish I could take back, and I guess I said so much stuff that she got fed up and stopped talking to me. I felt terrible because up to now I had an insane longing to be a good friend to her, and I made it my goal to be an amazing friend for her, and I felt like I failed. So I fixed myself. I became a better person, the person I am today. I still have a lot of problems, dealing with ||addictions and such||, but at the beginning of sophomore this school year, we started talking again. I felt like I had fulfilled my goal for the past 2 years, which was to become friends with her again. And I dont remember where it started to occur to me, but I felt like I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life. It might've been that she had just broke up with her girlfriend, or my realization that she made made me a better person. So when I learned in October that my parents decided to split up, and my dad said there was a chance that me and him were moving to Texas in December, i felt destroyed. Not because what my parents were going through, but because I was leaving Sam. So I gave my heart to her. I told her everything that I was feeling, and I asked her for a closer relationship. But she didnt agree to it.

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She said that she was still processing her breakup, but in actuality she just didnt want to be with me because of the person I was. We still talked, but it just never felt the same. I felt like I had failed her in a worse way than I had in the past. I had asked her for love when I gave her hatred. So instead of striding to be more than friends, i decided to try to be the best friend that I could for her. I told her that I am okay with being just friends, and that I will be the best friend for her that I could. But it wasnt until the past few weeks I realized how little I really did for her. And just last night I was faced with the deepest depression of my life. I was faced with 10 hours last night, sitting in my room by myself with nothing but my thoughts. And as I was thinking about my past, present, and my forseeable future, I just wanted it to end. I've never had any problems with ||sh||, and I still dont. I actually get extremely sensitive when people talk about it because I've lost a lot of people i love to ||suicide||. But i felt like I had never achieved any of my goals with her that I strode to achieve. She is an amazing person, and i should've noticed that so much sooner and treated her with so much more respect and given her the love she deserves. But its too late now. I cant even bother to tell her my feelings in person. I want to tell her the extent I would go for her. But I'm afraid I might lose her more than I already have. And I just overall feel useless to the person I love the most and value the most in my life.
I'm sorry if this seems like a ramble, im just trying to type everything out so i can better process what all is going through my head. If you have any advice or you can relate and have gone through something similar, I would like some insight from a person on the outside.

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*the second message is a contiuation of the post because I went past the character limit.

flint brook
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@torpid pine

torpid pine
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first,I am really glad you are able to admit your faults and that you worked to be better, that is amazing and shows a lot of maturity and growth on your part.

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second, idk if you want someone who can relate but I do. From someone who went through something very similar, my advice to you is to stop focusing on 'what couldve been' or 'what you couldve done' and intead focus on what can I DO to continue to be a better person, what can I do so her and other people can see I am changed and I am not like that person I used to be. Change and growth cant be expressed through dialogue, it has to be expressed through actions. I think she is still healing from her breakup but also the hurt that she may have went through when you were younger.

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I dont think you will lose sam if you tell her how you feel, I think it will show her your true feelings and how you feel about her.

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But, you mentioned she was lesbian, so I dont know if you guys will end up together, but either way I wish you the best buddy, and I hope things clear up for you:).

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Also, when you start to fall into your thoughts, I would put a show or movie on so you can distract yourself, the feeling of wanting things to 'end' comes from the overwhelming thinking.

flint brook
flint brook
flint brook
flint brook