#Diary of Cat (my personal vent space)

53 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

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⚠️TW: lots of talk about ||SUICIDE||, substance abuse, abusive relationships, gory talk, SH, ED, ||BLADES||, fire, phobias, child abuse, religion/rituals, hospitals, SA⚠️

(Basically every basic trigger there is so if you get triggered easily don’t read‼️‼️)

my vents will not be censored by discord that is why there is a warning beforehand

coffee

median dirge
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I love everything about you. You don’t understand. I’d get on my hands and knees and bow down at your feet. You are perfection to me. You are the beginning and end of who I am. You are everything I adore. I would praise every hair on your head. I wish you understood how much it hurts to desire you this much. My most precious person in my life, more than gold and diamonds. More than my own life more than this earth, worth more than a god. Somebody I appreciate with all my heart, no matter how much my emotions control me or how sick I am, no matter how many pills or alcohol I take, I will forever worship you and find you as my deity, my god. I want to cut a chunk out of you and eat it so that we are connected to each other forever. I want to make jewelry from your hair and teeth, worth diamonds to me. I want to drink the blood from your cuts and be the one to patch them up. I want nothing more than for you to gut me open and become one with me. I want you to tear me open to admire. I want to be under your skin to feel your warmth and love. I want to sew our hands together so we can be connected forever. I am useless without you, I am nothing. I feel so empty without you. How can I be anything else when my mind is bombarded by constant thoughts of you. I hate this world for taking your time. It should be me taking your time. I need you in order to live, I need you in order to be happy. If I don’t have you, I don’t have anything. I’ve lost so much. I can’t lose you. I refuse. You are everything to me. Without you I am a lost empty sheep. I’m nothing. I’m only valuable if I have you. I know who I am when I’m around you. I know who I want to be when I’m around you. I love you more than the gods in the sky my dear. Although I love you so much, I also hate you. I hate how much power you have over me. I hate that I force myself in submission when you come around. I hate that my heart beats out of my chest and I fear your abandonment as soon as I see your text. I hate that I rock back and forth in my chair if I don’t get a text from you for hours. I hate that I breakdown and cut my thighs if I get one sense of rejection from you. I hate that I hit my head off the wall and rip my hair out of my head if you dry text me. I hate that if you told me to kill myself, I would.

21:25

You are gone, I felt sharp pins and needles in my veins that won’t go away. It will never go away for as long as they’re white. I hung on as tight as I can, to your rough sweater and whispered the most vulnerable phrase coming out of the human mouth. “You are my world”. Last words of hope, obsession, love and happiness with salty tears running through his fabrics. I cannot live anymore. My left wrist with red straps while my right wrist with yellow. I do not have a world. A piece of me is gone. A puzzle to my soul and intellect is gone. My purpose in this life is gone. Emptiness embraces me as cigarette smoke burns my eyes and embers light my blood. Addiction.

I am without him. I am dead. I am nothing. I am rotting.

I cannot express my emotions through this keyboard as they are beyond the English dictionary. Or the human mind. This is all I have.

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I fucking love being overworked until I pass out due to my heart condition I love it Starbucks thanks, I hope you get fucking taken down you Israel supporting boykissers

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Hahahaha I am 5’3 and 94 pounds hagahahahahahd

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I’m dying

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I’m 18 and don’t feel like an adult ahhasvrnrjeiiw

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I feel like I’m stuck in a cycle of being 10 years old

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Day 4 of no food, just water

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Of this week

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I’ll probably not eat again tomorrow

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🙂

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I think this is just my brains way of killing itself

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I know I am fat. I know my flesh grows in the shape of gluttony. I can feel my cracked skin expand. A̵͋͂Ǎ̶̽A̵̔̑A̶͑͋À̶̈A̶͌̀Ȑ̶ELEASEME F̶̈̄R̶̽͠O̸͠M THIS̉́ ̴͊́F̵̈̌L̶̊̕E̶SH

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I’m gonna kill myself

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I am tragedy. I am pain. Even though there are many good things to live for, I cannot bring myself to be genuinely grateful for anything. My life is worthless. I do not care if I die. I do not care if I was torn open for my guts to spill, as long as I die. I do not care if my skull was crushed, as long as I die. I will make my teeth rot from my skull and infect my brain. I will make my lungs collapse on themselves. I will make my heart split open. I will do anything for freedom. Suicide is an inevitable feeling. You or I cannot escape the feeling of suicide, the damage will already be done. I will cut my thighs until all my golden blood vessels pop to reenact suicide. I will rip the hair out of my skull to feel a bullet enter through my brain. I will make a fist and punch myself until purple emerge. I will grab my cheeks and tear the skin off my face until my skull bleeds desperately. I am chained down on this earth. I am burdened with the purpose of suicide. These chains grab the core of the earth and endeavor me at the mantle. My skin burns. My bones burn. My heart burns. The parasite takes control of my mind and bites my temporal lobe. God strike down my bones, rip them from my chest. I am desperate. I need to leave this reality. This inevitable feeling tears my mind, my soul, my body. I cannot live on. I am a pathetic swine. I do not deserve love. I do not deserve a family. I do not deserve a life to laugh in. I am the embodiment of misery. My neck yearns to be hung. My wrist yearns to bleed across my clothes. My organs yearn to fail and put me to sleep. Please god if there is one, help me escape my torture, I cannot handle it anymore. My family doesn’t know what is happening within my brain. I feel eternal love for them but none for myself. Even with such strong love, the urge to rip my ribcage in two overshadows my ability to feel empathy for them. If I was dead everybody’s lives would be better. There would be extra money in my mothers pockets if only I split my head open. My sister would be happier if only my bones collapsed. This feeling tortured me everyday since the age of 8. A child hardly conscious of the world. Wanting nothing but to kill themself in the most execrable ways possible. To feel something other than the empty hole in their heart. To feel the nerves in their skin tremble. Life does not matter anymore. Family does not matter anymore. This is my inevitable destiny. Everything I have ever known turns into dust. My reality bites away at my skin and bones. The being of me wails for Thanatos in my dreams. Within my mind and soul, the wailing will never perish. My body shrieks for death. The stink of a rotting heart burns my nose. Release me.

I CANT FUCKING DO THIS ANYMORE. I NEED TO DIE I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE SO MUCH IT IS NOTHING BUT PAIN CONSTANTLY. GIVE ME A FUCKING ASSISTED DEATH I DON’T FUCKING CARE ANYMORE JUST RIP ME APART. I FUCKING HATE EVERYBODY. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MY MOM. I HATE THIS FUCKING EARTH. I HATE THE WAY MY BONES SCRAPE AGAINST MY STOMACH. TEAR IT OFF. EVERYTHING I EVER DESIRE IS SUICIDE

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I hope my stomach eats itself away I fucking hate feeling my internal organs in my body and how FAT they are I want to fucking rip off my flesh

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I HATE MY SKINNNNNN

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Aaaaaagsheb I took to many pills my intestines feel like they’re going to ruptureee

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I impulsively took the whole bottle of weight loss pills out of a fit of rage (I haven’t ate at all for days on end)

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I wanna pull my appendix out and throw it away

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I want to unalive

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No I need it

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Welp time to simulate death through cutting up my body and taking sleeping meds

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Girlfriend temporary, self harm scars are forever and FREE??? In this economy!!

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Oop gained 2 pounds time to drop another 10 😄

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Time for another episode

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My 14 year old sister just begged me on the floor for $5 for alcohol and drugs a_anime_cute_pog_watame

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NVM I FOUND IT I THOUGHT IT WAS DELETED

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Thinking about the fact my mom was my dads fp and whenever I tried taking her away from him for love he would beat me and scream at me and isolate her from me to himself

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I’m going to scream

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Honey it’s 9 pm time to take my 10 different weight loss pills and abuse them while fasting so you can get as skinny and weak as you possibly can because you have bulimia

covert jacinth
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Working 8 hours no breaks I am in immense pain

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rare cobalt
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Remembering when my cat had kittens when I was little and I whole heartedly wished I was one of the kittens because the mother cat took better care of her kittens than my mother took care of me

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When you push people away and refuse to make connections with them and you think you don’t need them and it would be bad to associate yourself with them but deep down you want friends

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When I was little I remember seeing shit loads of bruises on my mom and I never questioned them until NOW like I’m realizing she hid the fact my father was abusing her

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Me after watching my father stomp my dogs skull in until its eyes popped out when I was 11

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(That dog was the only family I had)

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92 pounds 🤪🤪🤪🤪

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🥰

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Skinny queen

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Me listening to my mom complain about me living while the only thing that is going through my brain is a ringing noise and the sound of 1000 mourning voices of my alters

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I am not listening to yo ass 🗣️🗣️

rare cobalt
# nova scaffold 92 pounds 🤪🤪🤪🤪

please stay safe, I know saying "eat something" isn't helpful but you need food to live. please try and eat something small at least like yogurt or something. starving yourself isnt a good way to lose weight. please see if you can start a diet or working out instead. please stay safe xx

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rare cobalt
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that's great! I hope it helps. if you ever need to talk or anything I'm always here