having bad thoughts

[swift tusk]

Recently I've been dealing with a lot of internal struggle and on top of that I lost a childhood pet of mine and then my girlfriend left me. For the past while my life has felt like an infinite loop and it feels like I haven't made any progress at all, and I'm just waiting for it to end. I feel alone all the time and anything I do is just a temporary distraction which most of the time is overpowered by anxiety. My ex texts me every so often and she was all I had, but she barely does and she keeps saying we can talk as friends but she hasn't shown any signs of actually missing me or anything so I have high doubts that will ever happen. Every night when I go to sleep I can't help but think about if it would be easier to just use the money I have saved up for college and travel until I run out of money then end everything once it's all gone. This has turned from a thought to more of a plan and it's something that almost makes me feel at peace because I no longer have to fear the future. I want help, and I've tried to get it but I can't and the only person who can help is my ex who isn't around and I don't want to tell her how I'm feeling because she's having her own problems and she'll feel like she has to talk to me. I have no idea if im willing to go through with this plan or not and I don't feel any fear about my life ending right now, but I just have no idea what to do anymore.

I have friends but it hasn't helped interacting with them

I haven't planned a date yet but I really do want to go through with it.

I've already wrote messages for people if I go through with it.

I wrote one for my ex too but I honestly don't feel like she'll even care much.

[swift tusk]

I want to tell her but I honestly feel like she would be more bothered knowing it and feeling like she has to do something rather than me already being gone.

[willow shell]

From what i remember from your last post she stayed for a long time and tried to make it work, i think that because of her numbness from the meds and her own problems she has a hard time showing that she cares.

A lot of the time if people assume you are doing mid they wont give ton of help because they simply dont know what you are going through rn if u dont tell them.

[swift tusk]

Well she's been off those meds for a bit now and is feeling less numb, but still feels nothing towards me. She'll usually send me one text a day and some days it's none, but I also can't tell her how I'm feeling because she will feel guilty and feel like she has to force herself to talk to me.

[sullen radish]

ok so ik how it feels i lost one of my dog i had for 12yrs buy what your thinking about right know is a perm solution for temp situation also do really want to leave your loved ones behind just imagine where you'll be in 5 10 15yrs pick up hobby like cooking playing games or anything like that#

[swift tusk]

I don't really have any loved ones

not close to any family or anything

[sullen radish]

maybe get a dog alot of people recommend one just becuse of the fact they keep alot of people motivated to get out of there bed

[sullen radish]

it might be to soon but maybe get a cat or any animal that needs feeding

[swift tusk]

cant due to the people i live with

[sullen radish]

is your home life bad if its you dont have to talk about it but can you get a hobby

personally i love cooking its so interesting to see how a few small ingredints can make a dish that everyone will love

[karmic pike]

Hi there! Are you living in supported housing or a community house or anything?

Cause yeah they have annoying rules about keeping pets.

Are there any staff in the accommodation you are in currently?

[swift tusk]

I am not

I live with family who would never allow pets

I'm not close to them

but i live with them

[karmic pike]

Could you move out if you wanted to?

[swift tusk]

Not for a while no

Another thing thats just really hurting is my ex seems really unbothered from our breakup.