True love or moving on

[uncut tinsel]

love is nothing static, feelings change and fade over time, year or two is a ton of time compared to the average person who moves on after about 2-5 monhts even if the relationship was of good quality

love itself is a pretty simple minded concept

most people confuse it with infatuation, which lasts only at the beggining of the relationship

after that its a compromise forged by attachment, and u can experience positive stuff here and there along the way

[unkempt steeple]

But can they love a person after loving another person truly....I think we can only love one person in our whole life and the people who come after that can never have the feelings they had for that first partner

[uncut tinsel]

thats just bs

like i said

feelings change over time

humans have to adapt to the enviroment

to be able to procreate and survive, death or estrangement of the partner is a lot of time inevitable, and you have to be able to move on

otherwise you wont survive

thats the evolutionary mode that is build upon today

of course that the fisrt partner may feel "special", because its a sense of novelty, but after hedonic adaptation kicks in, its gonna feel normal anyways after some time

so the overall joy you could argue, may be the biggest in the beggining of the first relationship, then in the beggining of the second/third etc, but in generall, the strong feelings of novelty and infatuation will fade, what will remain is a quality relationship that is worked for, or a breakup

[unkempt steeple]

So we can truly love two people in one lifetime?

[uncut tinsel]

"one and only" is pretty much ideology at this point, people have many partners over their lifetime

[unkempt steeple]

And if I don't move on for a year but he does in a few months, did I loved him more

[uncut tinsel]

you were more attached

and yes possibly loved him more, but its more about attachment then love

he could have loved you too, but since i remember you from the server and talking about ptsd, you prob have attachment issues, very common in trauma

[unkempt steeple]

True but I have seen in movies that true live only comes once and once they lose their true love, they can never love another partner as they did to the first person

[uncut tinsel]

there is a reason why its called a movie, not reality

[unkempt steeple]

True and I even get attached over my crushes this much that I sometimes cry over them not liking me back

I have a few more questions, can I ask them

[uncut tinsel]

sure

[unkempt steeple]

If I keep getting crushes during a relationship, does that mean that I don't truly love him and I am kind of cheating

And I don't miss the guy after breakup, is that normal

[uncut tinsel]

by "that guy" you mean the crushes you had during the relationship?

[unkempt steeple]

The guy I dated

[uncut tinsel]

you can still love him but, generally its considered emotional cheating

[uncut tinsel]

but u mentioned that you cant move on even after a year?

[unkempt steeple]

It means I still didn't truly loved him?

[unkempt steeple]

I keep getting crushes but I rarely come into actual relationships

[uncut tinsel]

"true love" doesnt exist tbh, its just too wide and too many aspects to consider

its only a romanticized thing in movies

[unkempt steeple]

So should my bf should feel insecure about it btw I didn't told him this thinking he may use it against me in future

[uncut tinsel]

would you bf feel bad if you had crushes on other people during the relationship? of course thats not being insecure, thats responding to you emotionally cheating

[unkempt steeple]

I thought it's necessary to be open in a relationship but I can't t tell him some things then ig

[uncut tinsel]

but if you arent in a relationship, u can have as many crushes as u want

[uncut tinsel]

i mean, depends on how much it determines you, do the other crushes destroy the satisfaction u have from romance with him?

do you think about them more then your bf?

i mean if you know u cant stick to one partner you shouldt go into relationships for some time and try to sort it out

[unkempt steeple]

I still like my bf, but I like my crushes too and want them to like me back but I wouldn't go to the extent of getting in a relationship with those crushes even if they like me back because that's against my moral values

[unkempt steeple]

Not more than my bf but yeah I sometimes get jealous of my crush's partners

[unkempt steeple]

Should I really ask a guy to wait a few months when he confesses his feelings towards me then bc I fear they will move on

[uncut tinsel]

i mean if you wait few months he will move on

crushes arent that long lasting in general

love is long term only when it gets into mutual romance and mutual working on the relationship

[unkempt steeple]

Idk mine don't go away until I stop seeing my crush at work or any other place

[unkempt steeple]

Bruh imagine someone not being able to wait even a few months for their love

[uncut tinsel]

Real life isnt a romance movie

Feelings fade over time in most people

• it isnt "their love" at all

U Are just romanticizing

In reality Its just a crush

That can get replaced

[unkempt steeple]

Yeah I believe that too because in all of my relationships romantic or not I am the one making the most efforts and ig that's why I yearn for a "she fell but he fell harder" relationships more than any normal person

[unkempt steeple]

Then should I expect the worst from people and in case they don't turn what I expect that means they did better than what I expected so that why I won't regret them not being upto my expectations and being the ideal person I want in my life

[uncut tinsel]

Nah just start working on your trauma And attachment issues, if r gonna enter a relationship with unrealistic expectation while having crushes on other people, the chances of romance working for you long term Are very low

Get into psychotherapy if you can

[unkempt steeple]

I mean I get crushes but I thought its normal to find someone attractive while being in a relationship with someone else because I talked to some married people and they told me they have this crush thing too

I know I have to work on myself but I fear if I again get back to what I was like before any of this, people will hurt me again

[uncut tinsel]

Attractive and being jealous of other partners Are completely different things 😭

If they have crushes while being in a marriage, then Its a very bad marriage

Where they dont solve their dissatisfaction in the relationship

Or their issues

If you fear being Hurt then set healthy boundaries

And dont get into romance if r not ready And have attachment problems

[unkempt steeple]

I try setting boundaries but sometimes they are too firm or I am not sure if I am not able to explain the reason to my partner but either way my partner doesn't likes it at most times

At this point I am trying not to get into any relationship just for the fear of getting hurt again and I may not be able to get off that fear ever but I believe when the right time comes, I may find the right person and even if I don't that's totally fine because life is life

[uncut tinsel]

thats very true, sometimes life just happends and it isnt purely your fault or someones elses

[uncut tinsel]

just make sure the boudaries arent too controling to your partner

and dont forget that love doesnt define your life at all, you can have a quality relationships as friends and find people who support you

everyone wants to find "the perfect partner", but in the search almost noone becomes one, so never stop improving and self-reflecting on your negative aspects

attachment issues can deteriorate relationships fast even if you dont do anything explicitly wrong

[unkempt steeple]

I usually try this by learning from my previous mistakes and how the previous ones took my decision but again every person is different so what was ok for the last guy may be too much much for the present one

[unkempt steeple]

I usually can't maintain healthy relationships even with friends because I am too introvert to spend quality time outside

But now I am used to it and spending quality time with myself is one of my favourite things to do