Hello, me and my partner need couples therapy we are having a toxic relationship and we both are having trouble communicating please help us
#me and my partner need couples therapy
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<@&993332385670246420> ^
lethal crag
came here because of a similar issue
merry crag
Oh
Yeah we’re not getting much help here
Idk if the listeners or helpers are busy or whatever
lethal crag
omm if your dm is open, we could talk
merry crag
<@&993332385670246420>
main falcon
Hello, me and my partner need couples therapy we are having a toxic relationship...
Where do the problems arise? Details matter, and if you arent compatible then there isnt much to be safed, so depends.
merry crag
Where do the problems arise? Details matter, and if you arent compatible then th...
Well we get along but there’s small things I forget and I make my partner get mad on accident for it and then we argue
main falcon
Well we get along but there’s small things I forget and I make my partner get ma...
keep a checklist where you will write down all the important stuff u need to remember?
merry crag
keep a checklist where you will write down all the important stuff u need to rem...
I do! But my memory isn’t good and I don’t have motivation and I forget
The little things really matter to my partner like texting first or starting the conversations more or telling them where I go before I leave
I forget those three
merry crag
Maybe you don’t understand but it’s not the check list that I can’t do
main falcon
The little things really matter to my partner like texting first or starting the...
did you try to discuss boudaries with him?
he may be wanting too much tbh
merry crag
did you try to discuss boudaries with him?
Well we did but I wanna make ‘em feel comfortable
We always argue because at the end of the day I said something wrong I didn’t know was wrong to them or I forgot to do what they asked me
main falcon
Well we did but I wanna make ‘em feel comfortable
well sure but he cant require too much
otherwise its just gonna drain u
and r not gonna be able to persevere anyways
merry crag
Yeah but it’s my job to make them happy isnt it
main falcon
nah
having your partner as the only sorce of happines
doesnt work
cant even
bcs of hedonic adaptation
it isnt your obligation
happines is mostly from personal stuff
aspect of it is your parnter
but his happines isnt your responsibility
no wonder you have problems, people who are too agreeable get into this cycle of thinking other ppls feelings are their responsibility
then ppl require too much
but u wont say no
merry crag
But they don’t ask me for much
They only ask for 4 things
It’s just to me it’s hard to do
main falcon
depends on what the 4things are
you shouldnt be required to start convos all the time
he should do that too
clever charm
I do do them
clever charm
Hello
main falcon
what are the other 3 things?
clever charm
I remembering one is to tell me when they're busy or js got to go/will reply late
main falcon
and btw did you try telling him that its impossible to forget on purpose?
clever charm
A lot of the things I ask of her is to try and conter a lot of mental issues I have, I'm trying to actively grt over them for this relationship but the extra support may help
main falcon
well sure but u have to understand that she isnt obligated to control how u feel
clever charm
I understand that
main falcon
or responsible for r happines
and what is it that u require for her?
attachment issues or?
clever charm
What do you mean ?
clever charm
The issues
Conveniently, mostly given to by my exes but that I don't think is important
Is it ?
main falcon
depends on what they are in particular
attachment issues?
too clingy/controling?
if yes then it is important
and if its something else then its still important
clever charm
I've gained maybe trust issues and abandonment issues ??
The controlling and possessive I've gotten from my mother
main falcon
well yeaht thats why i was asking
get into psychotherapy and sort that trauma out, else r gonna make problems in your relationships
clever charm
I am trying to
main falcon
emotional dysregulation might be a part of it too
clever charm
My family has tried to get me into counciling/therapy
main falcon
do you get easily triggered by things?
clever charm
2 times ?
main falcon
take things too personaly?
main falcon
psychotherapy has to be long term
main falcon
short term it works only for very functional ppl
clever charm
What is considered long term ?
main falcon
half year to 1,5
and
check out crappy childhood fairy
Yt channel
she has a lot of nice videos considering emotional regulation
and its relation to trauma
clever charm
Okay, I will once I can(might be a long- ish time)
main falcon
other then that
cognitive restructuring
ill send u a paper
in dms
when feelings arise
you have to learn how to deal with them
check out CBT/DBT techniques
explore and find your path
meditation helps a ton too
clever charm
Okay, I'll look into this aswell
main falcon
try to remind yourself that your partner does not mean a lot of the things that may trigger u
and most of it is done by accident
clever charm
Okay, I'll try
main falcon
other then that
try some meds from a psychiatrist
a lot of that can help with stress relief
and emotional regulation
and anxiety
make sure r sleep schedule is regulated
that u eat enough
etc
that has an effect on irritibality too
and the only thing r partner can really help with is trust
but the attachment issues, emotional regulation, abandonment trauma => and out of that being controling
that u have to care of rself
mainly by working through trauma or the underlying reasons why it developed
which should happen mainly in therapy, but
there is a lot of resources and techniques you can do yourself
and that can speed up the process
other then the Yt channel i mentioned, crappy childhood fairy
Gabor Maté is nice
and
Bessel van der Kolk
very nice regarding trauma work
clever charm
Thank you, I'll write these down
magic crow
..