I get the picture
#How do I compromise between generally disliking people and being agonisingly lonely?
stiff elk
digital yoke
No life experiences?
You could make up stories, not about yourself but just tell interesting tales of fictional characters or make jokes with others
stiff elk
I have a big imagination, that's all I can think to talk about. But has anyone ever been interested? NOPE.
And even if I could hold a conversation, do I actually give a shit about them and want to spend time with them? NOPE. When I'm with people I desperately want to leave. I feel more lonely when I'm amongst others than I do in any other situation.
digital yoke
Have there been troubles within your life?
Like stresses or past experiences that are unpleasant?
stiff elk
Nothing that wasn't my own doing.
digital yoke
It was others?
stiff elk
I was just a little shit as a kid. Had some pretty bad mental illness basically since I was born and was a nightmare to be around. Behavioural issues turned into bad habits in my adulthood.
Like in school I'd intentionally alienate myself and sabotage potential friendships to get a "kick". It made people hate me and bully me. Now I don't know how to socialise or be a friend and I automatically hate people.
digital yoke
Have you tried to get help?
stiff elk
You have no idea how much 'help' I've pursued
digital yoke
You could try to be friends with me
I can deal with a lot of bullshit, trust me lol
stiff elk
Consistently saw a psychiatrist and psychologist from age 5 to 24. I gave up a year ago. 30ish medications (severely overmedicated as a child). Countless therapies. ECT.
I'm looking for someone who was in a similar boat and overcame it, or at least somewhat overcame it.
digital yoke
So you were just a little shit as a kid?
stiff elk
But everyone has had some semblance of a friend or positive family relationship.
stiff elk
So you were just a little shit as a kid?
Yes. I mean, I had severe ADHD, anxiety, OCD and depression. But I let it turn me into a bad person.
I ruined my life before I knew better
digital yoke
And you pushed people away for your sick kicks?
stiff elk
Yes. And I still kinda do it. I had 'friends' on another server a couple years ago. Ended up raiding and spamming the server at 6am after staying up all night because I was bored.
But I haven't had the opportunity to sabotage anything since.
digital yoke
Do you want to sabotage?
stiff elk
I want to not be bored and I get a rush out of it. It starts when I say something that people take the wrong way. I sense the rejection and take it all the way to mess with people, sometimes even something unforgivable.