#I just need a little help (just a journal now)

63 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

velvet plank
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Hi, You might know me as Angel, a listener here. I first came here for myself but ended up helping others for day and night, I think here comes the time for me to speak a little.
(I decided to turn this section into a small ''journal'', where I will personally comments about my life and my surrounding.) Edited

I wanted to know if it is normal I cannot bring myself to open up. I just can’t do it even if someone tell me to. Even to my therapist I can barely open up and I have so much to say (||sexual trauma||, rough neglected childhood, abusive relationships, and a lot more). I cannot bring myself to trust anyone anymore, even when I’m walking down the street I look around constantly and if someone is behind me I make myself a plan to attack them if they were to attack me first. I also always have a weapon with me, outside, at school, in my room such as a ||knife||, a baseball bat, a lighter, ropes or even a real Kunai I bought in a comicon. When I’m around my sibling or family I always analyze the whole room to create a plan to escape if they were to hurt me. Same for strangers I plan a way to escape if they were to go on me. I always fear they would either randomly ||stab|| me, ||choke|| me or even ||rape|| me. I cannot be near my step dad either, he haven’t done anything and he is really sweet and friendly but as soon I am alone with him in a room my heart beat out of fear even if I know he has no bad intentions. All I want to know is if it’s normal for me to not be able to speak about myself anymore and fear everyone, barely trusting people with a minimum of trust which is being in the same room as them. Thank you for reading.

Beside, it is a lot for me right now to speak about it, I might as well maybe delete like last time. I just cannot speak about me.

neat grail
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If you want to talk about it just let me know

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I wont force you to talk about it

velvet plank
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That is my point, I wish to speak about it. I wish I can but the fear of not trusting anybody anymore is here, I have opened up a lot in the past but things turned out against me in so many situations. Even during a drama where I was sexually used, I ended up still being the bad person. I just cannot open up anymore it’s a fear.

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All I want to know if it’s normal

neat grail
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Honestly i Get the part about not rusting people on the discord or just in general and for the most part thats normal to not trust everyone

neat grail
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But sometimes it's normal to feel like all of those things but it's also not always normal to feel like that

velvet plank
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No it is fine I might sound a little weird saying this but I am used to it (and not trying to make you feel guilty), it wasn’t affecting me at all no worries.

neat grail
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I didn't know that you were always helping bullet and i really shouldn't have accused you of anything and I'm really sorry

velvet plank
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no no no worries seriously I’m not mad or anything of course it triggered me a little and I started defending myself but it’s okay it’s a normal reflex

neat grail
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I really am sorry from the bottom of my heart and from my entire body

velvet plank
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nooo stop apologizing omg seriously its not your fault sweetheart you were just helping Bullet you have a great heart

neat grail
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I didn't know what you had been doing for Aubrey and i apologize for what i said

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But yes and no it's both normal to feel like those things and it's also not normal to feel like those things but it's not that you are different in a bad way it's just you have been affected by different things than others have and that affects trust alot of the times

velvet plank
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stop apologizing… it is okay truly. I see you are someone who apologizes a lot and you stand up for others quick, trust me, you are an amazing person for this, you don’t hesitate to help as a bystander and it is amazing

velvet plank
neat grail
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I apologize for apologizing too much

velvet plank
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Are you Canadian? haha

neat grail
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I really need to work on that

neat grail
velvet plank
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oh how surprising you would for great here in Canada always apologizing.

neat grail
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I mean i always wanted to go there

velvet plank
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Say, a lot of people must have made you apologize a lot, am I right?

neat grail
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Now it seems more likes dream

neat grail
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Sorry for bringing that up

velvet plank
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I am sorry you have gone through this. Trust me, I am someone who doesn’t apologize a lot but instead stand up for myself too much and won’t drop the argument. I was once like that too, apologizing for apologizing over and over even if it wasn’t my fault, I am sorry you go through this but trust me, try learning to get confident, it takes time I know but it is worth everything

neat grail
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I've been trying to not apologize as much but it's hard

velvet plank
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it’s not this you need to work, it’s your self confidence and esteem, once you gain it you will naturally stop apologizing without even realizing

neat grail
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Thanks also you should try getting sleep if it's that time for you

velvet plank
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it’s 10 pm, I’m staying up to watch on others, but for you, it must be very early in the morning if I’m not wrong it should be around 4 am, because I have a friend in Europe and I know well their timezone so I can calculate other timezone easily

neat grail
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Nah for me it's only 9 13 pm

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I'm both German and Scottish but i don't live there

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Just my heritage

velvet plank
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ohh!

neat grail
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I wish I lived there tho

velvet plank
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Sorry for assuming

neat grail
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Nah your chillin

velvet plank
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I thought you were in germany

neat grail
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Nah i wish tho

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Always wanted to go

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Hopefully I can

velvet plank
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You want to travel the world don’t you?

neat grail
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Don't have any relatives there tho

neat grail
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I want to go throughout the middle east and some of Europe and parts of africa

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Big ambitions tho

velvet plank
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well if you set your goals and keep money you can accomplish your dream

neat grail
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Probably end up dead honestly thats how this year is looking before i travel

velvet plank
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hey don’t think that, me too I see nothing in my future only a black screen but…I live because I don’t know what will happens tomorrow

neat grail
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I only live to see the world

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Everything else is worse

velvet plank
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well I keep saying it over and over but not everyone that will love you are in your life right now, they will come slowly

velvet plank
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ahhh once again I failed trying to opening up and ended up helping others damnit.

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that place shall be my new journal on my problems from now on

velvet plank
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Yesterday I tried to speak up here once again, it was a fail. I don’t understand how am I so scared of opening up knowing I can trust people here, and yet I end up in my corner in fear. It feels such like a discomfort that makes me want to curl my self more and more until I turn into a literal ball. I guess I cannot help it, I cannot trust anybody not even myself, I refuse to take any driver test for a license, I fear if I ever get one, I’ll eventually leave far away.

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ahh also I don’t need help it’s more like a journal to me there isn’t much to do about my problems!

velvet plank
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I do also strongly believe this server affected me mentally, in a bad way? A good way? I couldn't tell. But I do think it made my human heart act on its own. I think it is a human reflex to stretch your hand seeing someone in need of help right in front of you. If you were to see someone dying in front of you, you will obviously run to help them, I think this is our humanity inside of us, no matter how bad we are. Taking account of each time I helped someone but failed, I strongly believe it made me lose confidence of my words and yet I keep trying to help as I can, which destroys me more. Being human surely is hard.

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I just need a little help (just a journal now)

neat grail
velvet plank
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I also came to a conclusion humans enjoy making comments on anything that make them uncomfortable, conscious or not. Such as comments about someone's look as a compliment but also a remark on someone. It is a natural action I think. When something is different from your own norms you cannot help but to comment on it. It's not a question of doing it willingly and consciously. When someone talk about their friend, they mention their race a lot without realizing, and it's because the person is not the same as them, they don't mean it in a bad way mentioning it, they do it unconsciously. And people tend to comments on others mostly when they are with friends, to find if their friends has the same norms as them which can increase their bonds. I find it truly fascinating, because we all do it without realizing it.