#bf and i broke up again

139 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

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this will be long.

me and my ex-boyfriend had a toxic-relationship. unhealthy attachment issues, trust issues, our own personal insecurities, and more. we started dating april 30th and it just ended february 9th, again.

so starting off in the beginning, we were both teenagers without much parental love or guidance. neither of us grew up being supported and shown love my a parental figure. my dad is always at work and my mom is a cheating, gambling addict. while my ex’s dad decides to not be in his life and his mom is deceased.

we started getting to know each other april 19th? and he asked me out the 30th. yes it was indeed pretty quick that we got together and we didnt wait, but i felt as if the both of us longed for a love we never had. but then issues came up.

i found out he was still texting his ex after his ex had accused him or cheating on me through instagram. my trust issues developed from there. i know for a fact he didnt cheat, but i already had issues of not feeling worthy or valuable enough to be loved. so i started second-guessing what he did, despite knowing that it is unhealthy.

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our arguments started from there, i cant get a clear memory on what we argued about but i know we basically argued at least one a week/two weeks. but it wasnt as bad as it was then since they were minor arguments that were resolved in hours. we could never stay fully mad at eachother.

but what i think caused the biggest changed was when an argument sometime in july happened. he had his friend over and they went to smoke with a girl, i, being insecure, felt jealous and scared that he’s keeping things from me since he only told me he was smoking when he arrived there. i was scared that he would cheat on my with this girl, but they werent even that close.

ever since then, my trust issues were so bad that i just couldn’t control myself from getting insecure and not being able to trust him. but the thing is, i dont think i ever tried to trust him.

fastforward to december, we broke up for the first time for real. he had said that the toxicity had finally overloaded us and that neither of us were happy. but i didnt want to believe it, i was begging for him to stay but he said this was the better for the both of us. i knew that if we got back together, i wouldnt be able to trust him. but a week later, we got back together. and the thing was, he was the one who wanted me back.

but during our week break, he had contacted his ex’s (ones he had gotten back with) and talked to this girl for 3 days. i got insecure once again and felt that i wasnt special enough since i was easily replaced. i just couldnt get the fact that what he wanted was me and that he came back because he wanted to be with me.

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i kept using the fact that he wanted these girls, even for a tiny moment, against him even though i never had any right to. he didnt deserve it. i was just unhealthily attached and insecure and i felt like he would leave me again. i just cant get the fact that he loves me of all people, me. why am i worthy of his love? he told me he loves me all the time but i cant believe it.

well, we were together until february when i asked for a break because i was getting insecure and feeling like this wont last long and i kept pushing him away. but it hurted. it hurts to this day, so much because i pushed him away so much. this boy who i destroyed with my toxicity and insecurities rather than helping him and listening to him when i knew thats what he needed most.

i shouldve cherished him. his passion for basketball. him being allowed to have friends and hangout with people more.

a day or two after that break, we got back together but he reconnected with an old middleschool friend. and that made me insecurity once more. it made me feel like i was on the same level as her since he texted us the same, and called us both. but, i couldn’t get the fact that i was the girlfriend. he made me his girlfriend.

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but he wouldnt tell her that we got back together, even after i told all my friends, that we were together again.. it made me insecure once more and i kept pressuring and nagging him to tell her. and he didnt and said he’d do it in the comforts of his own home. but he said what we had was just a “highschool relationship” and that i acted as if “we were living together” even though the past few weeks, ive been hanging out with him only 1-3 times a week and hung out with my friends way more often. and i got angry and left with my dad immediately. when i got home, i mentioned what he said and he said i didnt let him finish, but then i asked him to tell her and he said he wont because we arent together now. because im too crazy about the fact that i want him to tell her were together. and that he was actually “testing” to see how i’d react to him not telling her. he even called himself a “hypocrite” because he has told me that he doesnt like me testing his love for me.

so i decided im done if hes done. he said he was scared of making her feel like he’ll ghost her again. so i decided, that things cant fix themselves if he can threaten to leave me so many times and actually go through with it, to only expect me to come back.

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so as much as i love him, how much i want to beg for him back, as much as i forgive anything he does. i just cant anymore. i feel so lonely. i want him back. but i know ill only be insecure and use things against him again. so im cutting him out and pushing him away for one last time.

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i dont want to go back, what i want is to move forward. what i want is advice on how to love myself more and to move on? ive already seen things like cherishing yourself more and that it heals with time, but i want to see what other people have to say.

i am very self-aware id say? i know that i should express my emotions and cut contact like i just did to move on, but i cant help but still text him. i even sent him what i just journaled.

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but how do i move on from here. im so scared of being alone and i thought me and him would be forever, and we just werent compatible?

so what can i do? tho i’ve already heard a lot of stuff, none seems to get through my head

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i know im only a highschooler but still

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bf and i broke up again

keen yacht
# pine badge but how do i move on from here. im so scared of being alone and i thought me and...

Hello @pine badge I know It's 12 days after all this and I hope your are doing good but I want to say some things and maybe try and help

First of I don't think you were being to toxic your allowed to be jealous and what he was doing was not okay talking to his ex's and refusing to tell a girl yall were together again. It doesn't seem he respected your wishes as much as he should have. You deserve someone who listens to you and helps with your problems and doesn't make it worse by adding to the issues.

For loving yourself and not being as insecure I would recommend finding people that support you and love you and don't bring you down.

I understand you are attached to him as he was probably one of the first people that made you feel loved and it will be hard to get over him but i promise it will get easier. Find other people that love you and want to help. Heck if you need a friend I'll be yours. You might not know me IRL but im here to help pika_wave

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wispy mauveBOT
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chiasa#1065 has been warned

Reason: Bad word usage

keen yacht
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thats amazing!!

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i understand that if we were meant to be, we wouldve been and that if one person who could love me like this, i should imagine what it would be like to be loved by the right person

keen yacht
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journaling really helps get your thoughts out :)

keen yacht
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yea thats what ive been doing and ive been working on my self worth and stuff— like taking selfies and constantly complementing and hanging out with my friends

keen yacht
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thats actually really good tbh doing better then me 🤣

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so its a process of healing, but i feel like its going well and i am just taking this time to learn and heal from it

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😭oh word lmao

keen yacht
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but journaling really helps me acknowledge whats going through my head and im tryna detach and stuff

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right, like i know ill on and off feel sad and its only been such a tiny amount of time

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but every day, i am getting better, even the slightest bit that i may not be able to notice

keen yacht
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like constant affirmations are really helping reprogram my mind but also its also attachment issues that has me hurt the most

keen yacht
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so im trying to take everything as a plan for my future

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and that something good will come

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i will rant to my friends and everything

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i do not want to let my feelings buildup and ignoring it only prolongs my healing process

keen yacht
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its a form of releasing the stress and helping you heal i think

keen yacht
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like helping you get through it

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i dont

keen yacht
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i only ever rant like occasionally because they hate my ex, i dont rant about how i miss him or anything, but usually agreeing with them that he was shitty

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keen yacht
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exactly

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so yea i feel like i am doing everythhing to heal honestly, its just it will take time

keen yacht
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it does and it will

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keen yacht
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your doing very good ngl

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if they dont like how i talk about him, they can leave, i only want people who stay no matter what

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its just a matter of time

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im even journaling right now

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and i am tryna find more hobbies so that i actually get a life rather than put all my time onto one person

keen yacht
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seriously doing better then me wtf 🤣

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making me jealous

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😭copy what i do fr

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out of sight out of mind😜

keen yacht
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nah ik what i need to do just a lot going on rn

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also i cant journel i forget to do it

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tried many times

keen yacht
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well try recording yourself talking to yourself?

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or just take mini pics of progress

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anything can be journaling

keen yacht
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i journel in my head

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or i distract myself and my thoughts work through themselves

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thats something!! at least your acknowledging your feelings

keen yacht
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hard not to

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for me

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distracting yourself even if it sounds bad, is good if you still acknowledge how you feel

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like the most important thing to do is acknowledge how you feel and stop feeling sorry for yourself

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how you feel is normal

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its very normal, everyone goes through it

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its how your body communicates with your mind

keen yacht
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i dont feel sorry for mself tho 😭

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ALSO THIS IS ABOUT YOU

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changing the topic

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😭lmao

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but yea

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i am healing and doing better, but i understand i will still feel sad

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i will still feel depression in moments and miss him

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but i know that there is something better out there

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that i will heal, that i will love myself

keen yacht
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this is actually amazing

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that this is normal and a learning experience for me to be better

keen yacht
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YEA!!!

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take it as a learning experience

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thats what i did with my ex

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it was a shit relationship but i didnt let that bother me

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i learned from it

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you should too

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right- like you learn from it

keen yacht
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you know what to do and what not to od

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and thats what im doing

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right and all is a matter of time

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and reprogramming it into my mind

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indeed

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im sorry no one answered you by the way 😭

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nah its fine lmao

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ive been healing

keen yacht
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I was going through old ones and saw urs :)

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thats good

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so its alright and im kind of glad no one did for the beginning

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because i may not have gotten to where i am now

keen yacht
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i think you got a lot off ur chest just saying it

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it was a lot

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right, like journaling it and everything really helped

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and im still holding back more info on the matter but it really doesnt matter because it is over

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and i shouldnt hold any grudges against him

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he made his choices

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so i should make my own choices now

keen yacht
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you are your own people

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and going your own ways

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keep him out of ur life

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right right

keen yacht
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if you ever run into him just say hi and move along

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like i should be able to be independent and be okay without someone no matter what

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and right, thats what i am doing

keen yacht
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tbh

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sometimes the best life

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is when your single

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right because you are free to do whatever

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you get to experience life

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until your ready to settle

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and work on your self!!

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thats what i plan to do

keen yacht
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pandas are adorable

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for real

keen yacht
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keen yacht
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it was nice meeting you chiasa

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if you ever wanna talk feel free to dm me :)

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i do have to go tho class is ending

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alright

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nice meeting you to!

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too*

keen yacht
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bye bye ChillBar_wave