#I've done a terrible thing towards friends I've known for 8 years. I don't know what to do.

38 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

naive raven
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I want to describe the whole situation from the start:
I come from a pathological family, where alcohol is involved, mostly abused by my father. I've been living in constant fear and "flight or fight" situation, whenever confronting him.
-Back in December 2021, I was capable to convince my mother to give him an ultimatum: " 1 year anti-alcohol pill or divorce". He agreed, after so many years.
The first 3 months were...alright: sure, arguments and disagreeing between partners, but not same as back in 2014 or 2021 even (glass smashed, tables broken, writting on the walls).
But for the first half of year 2022, I hoped things will go great. Until, I learned in July, that the pill's duration was only half. I felt betrayed, by my own mother. Not only, the pricing for the pill was different, not only she put up a lie and got my money stolen in July (basically scammed twice) I lost all hope. I quit speaking with them and doubted everyone.
-Now, here comes my friends: I know these people for over 8 years, they're online friends, but I bonded with them. I attached to them; at this point, I could say, they felt like my family. We knew each other names, played, had fun and interests. I tried to help a certain friend with her hobby/career, until July and I started to hide, show up time to time, barely speaking anything or being bitter and apologizing for everything.

So the August 2022 came: and ever since then, everything came back to, what I used to live in: being called a failure in life, arguing, bottles smashed and tables flipped and waking up in middle of the night.
So, in fear and doubt, paranoid: I made up a lie: I lashed out at them, called them they didn't cared, they're bunch of snakes and hurt 2 individuals most dear to me.
I sat 4 months, regretting what I've done; and when I felt the weakest (christmas) I wanted to disappear and wanted to test the waters: invite one or two people to say I'm sorry and I won't show up. But instead, they were
confused(1/2)

tranquil drift
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Hey im here

naive raven
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(2/2) They asked what happened, why did you lashed out?
I told them everything: That In fear of them finding out, them trying to reach out I lied to "protect them" from my life issues.
I got advice to try apologizing them: But I did, I tried to apologize her: I sent her a message, but I never got the reply back, meaning she wants nothing to do with me. I don't blame her: 4 months and now I dare to sent a message, that states "I never felt any affection towards you. You were only like a Big Sister to me" or "whoever wrote those bad things about you, wasn't me; i know you suspect me, but it wasn't me".
I contacted 3 people by now: I explained them everything. And I got different responses:
One told me to speak with them. Second said, to give each other time. Third had an idea, to speak with them or join the small group they have to vent out.
But how - how can I look them in the eyes, knowing I ruined their schedules, their hobbies, their time and probably caused a paranoia or two?
How can they belive me or trust me after what I did? What they'll say? What if they mean something else?

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I'm a 25 year old male, who never archieved anything, hurt everyone and ruined some fresh friendships they had. Their plans. And now I show up, apologizing? I want to tell them, I care, I know what I did was wrong and what I've done might be unforgiveable

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But I want to try fix it: I'm already in a dump: I'm waiting for the last hearing for my parent's divorce (August 2022 before "the lie" I learned about my parents keeping their end of the bargain and divorcing)

naive raven
tranquil drift
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🫂

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Would you mind if i share my advice?

naive raven
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Go ahead

tranquil drift
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When it comes to your friends, i would just try my hardest to give them a bit of time. Talk to them though, tell them everything as to why. It is so difficult to explain to someone the feeling that you have experienced. Any honestly, they might not understand. But give them a reason to resonate. Tell them why, and just let them have some time to think on it. This situation is likely trauma based, and it would be a clear reason for why you have done these things. But stop beating yourself up about it. You aren't at fault. It isn't in anyway your fault that this is the way you act. And you are just going to tear yourself apart if you look at it from a view where you are at fault. Don't be so hard on yourself. When it comes to relationships like this, it often takes time.

naive raven
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I don't know how long this will take. And that's what worries me

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I don't want to be forgotten and I don't want to forget about them

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What if I show up, year later and the guy on the other end asks "who dat?"

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and they'll say "nah, i know what I said [X] then, you're this, that, this" and that's it.

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just end of the call

naive raven
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I don't know if I should ask for contacts: all of this, feels wrong.
Me, speaking behind her and their backs

tranquil drift
naive raven
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it might be 50/50 or just wild guessing

tranquil drift
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That isn't true

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If they can truly understand, they wouldn't, they dont know what it feels like

naive raven
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So what now?

tranquil drift
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Give your friends some time, tell them all that happened and tell them you want some time. Work on yourself. Your parents will sort out. Make yourself better. Try to make your life the best it can be

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Because you are the most valuable part of your life

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you should start working on yourself

naive raven
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I just don't know how "some time" would take. I don't know if I'll be ready then or they'll remember me.
Should I just ask these 3 for a private conversation to establish it? Manage it.
I don't want to force them. But maybe just telling them, brain storm that "mess of mine" to agree towards something.

tranquil drift
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Yes

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ask

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Ask what they think you should do and what they will do

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Some time doesnt mean the end

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it isn't forever

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🫂

naive raven
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I'll try

naive raven
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So, atm, they are aware and want to discuss the matter; it's hard because of timezone differences

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They're from USA, i'm from EU

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And with time difference of 9-12h it's harder to meet up

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Plus they might have some stuff on their own end, but I am not rushing things