Is this good, I've been having trouble describing ronald as scary-
#I wanna make ronald mcdonald sound scary
fiery sequoia
PLEASE
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I'm sorry I don't mean to be rude but in my opinion you're writing isn't really that scary? The lack of tension plus the lack of buildup don't make for something scary it makes for something spooky but not scary far beyond horrifying
modern cipher
Is this good, I've been having trouble describing ronald as scary-
I agree with Bonabelle tbh. I would read a handful of horror books and use their language and way of story telling to improve the way you convey horror in your writing. Stephen King has some fantastic books that I highly recommend to read for inspiration.
I also think improving on your grammar will help. Your grammar when it comes to spelling and use of punctuation is descent. However, your use of past/present/future tense, run on sentences, and complex vocabulary throws your writing off. Your writing just seems a bit stiff and doesn't flow very well. Bad grammar can make the scariest of stories not scary at all, so fixing tht up should help quite a bit!
If you're not the best at grammar, I would get someone to proofread your work. Lots of famous writers hire people just for grammar fixes.
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Like your writing is good for an essay in class but it's not really story level of writing like you can't really read this in a book kind of fun the long run on sentences the lack of suspense or build up to the actions such as one intense scene meeting onto the next page with the reveal you're nervous you're hesitant to turn that page and then you do and it's worth the suspense it has that build up such as the scene in Divergent or Beatrice is picking her faction you're hesitant to turn the page you're wondering what she's going to pick and then the next page she picks dauntless that's a good buildup and it's only two pages worth of buildup technically three accounting short paragraph the next page
Plus you're spacing is all off
Just like any other art form there's going to be a style to it you need to improve writing style again this is fine for an essay or something but it's kind of thing isn't going to get people to read your writing
fiery sequoia
Just like any other art form there's going to be a style to it you need to impro...
Thank you very much, could you guys look at another page of mine? (It's a different story)
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Sure
fiery sequoia
So this is the very start, easy beginning to put together and yk BRO IS LIKE THAT SNAZZY LOVE INTREST, how could you go wrong with the best friend (rq just had a realization, I make people explode a lot.) But Okada, he exploded in a lucid dream, and then the vampire came yet again to attack my lil protagonist Julien because first time wasn't enough. However, after this beheading process, I'm struggling to comprehend ANY WAY to make this more creatively paralyzing wowzzies YK?!?!/ cause I want this to be good, not only that but I've been most invested with grammar and everything.
The beginning is the first image, second image is the lead-up to Okada exploding, which I'm very proud of. Then last image is that of the end sequence with a vampire chase.
What I have going so far is the building is collapsing mc (Julien) has a cut foot and is struggling to walk, which the cut is a reopened wound or something from the dream.
THAT'S ALL I TGOT
I do have the whole thing on wattpad, if you need a lil more of it to make sense?
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Personally on my own I wouldn't read it because again the lack of build up to things isn't really worth reading it's like you're saying this happened and then that happened instead of saying this happened the characters thought a bit of this and saying a bit of their actions but said you're saying exactly what happened
Plus the formatting I'm just going to say it's awful I'm used to traditional book formatting so that can just be me but it seems that you're spacing randomly giving too much space to the dialogue
fiery sequoia
Okay is my explanation a problem, because I can simplify it if it doesn't make sense
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Overall lack of detail because of it it's not really read-worthy
It's good for an essay in school yeah but it's not worth reading as a fanfiction or a book
fiery sequoia
Plus the formatting I'm just going to say it's awful I'm used to traditional boo...
Thank you for noticing that, I do plan to change that
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Maybe try doing short one shots to get practice in writing without putting the effort into making characters
fiery sequoia
So which parts need a lil bit more to them?
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Or as a little exercise for yourself get a graphic novel you like and imagine it as a page from a novel imagine their actions and put them into words put the characters emotions into writing
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So which parts need a lil bit more to them?
All of this
If this is something I was grading this would be a D maybe a C if I was feeling nice
fiery sequoia
I just put the beginning here to make it make sense, I do have more of but I just want the main focus of the last part
fiery sequoia
If this is something I was grading this would be a D maybe a C if I was feeling ...
Okay, here's the thing this isn't helpful
And now anything you say is falling off, because you're just telling me what's wrong and not ways to fix it
If you see a problem, give a short solution
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Overall it's not the lack of build-up to actions and the constant run-on sentences is what is holding back your potential plus the grammar and the overall vocabulary it throws everything off
I've sent you links to tutorials to help fix your writing you can use those tools to help you but you can't rely on them you need to know what the problem that needs fixing you can ask for help how to do that and people can give you tools and instructions how to do that but no one can do it for you you need to put in the effort yourself
Paragraph 5 and paragraph 12 need reworking everything else is fine besides the spacing but again working the basics will help you build the foundation to get a better sense of your writing
fiery sequoia
Paragraph 5 and paragraph 12 need reworking everything else is fine besides the ...
On which image, sorry for late response I was caught up on stuff
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On which image, sorry for late response I was caught up on stuff
The paragraphs you sent
fiery sequoia
The paragraphs you sent
On which image
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Here's a tip try reading the sentence out loud when you're typing
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On which image
The paragraphs both
fiery sequoia
Here's a tip try reading the sentence out loud when you're typing
Uh huh
fiery sequoia
The paragraphs both
Are you referring to the images I sent, our my text messages?
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Images
fiery sequoia
Alright which image.
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I just answered that both
fiery sequoia
Both being all three?
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Both images
fiery sequoia
Alright
Here's what I'm getting from this discussion, please let me know if I'm wrong. The last image, could be described a bit more, yes? And it's mainly the first thing I asked was what more could I add to this.
The ground shook with a rumble, or something, watching a crack develop across the roof separating the tiles above and so below.
Is that good?
How do I dramatize this scene
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" several growling came from all ways"
Remember the trick read the sentence out loud sometimes things sounded better in our head
Personally I don't like it all together because the fact is in first person I just don't like first person it's decent but a lot of improvement could be made
And I would recommend using the word most less and replace it with "nearly" it just rolls off the tongue better