umbral karma
For anyone kind enough to give suggestions, looking for discussion, or simply looking for a story to read.
If this gets some reads, I might continue the work.
This is the same world as my previous short story post.
Thank you to whoever spared their previous time for my piece of work.
modest solstice
This is a strong opening overall, your atmosphere and worldbuilding come through really clearly. The ship feels lived-in, and Patrick’s internal weight vs. duty is compelling right from page one. The AI interaction is especially solid; Alice feels controlled and unsettling in a good way.
A few suggestions you might consider if you continue:
Tighten some descriptions: You’ve got great imagery, but a few paragraphs repeat the same idea (order, precision, silence). Trimming slightly could make the pacing sharper without losing mood.
Watch small technical edits: Minor things like its/it’s, heres → here’s, family, hesitates, etc. Nothing major, just polish.
Character grounding: Patrick’s conflict is clear, but one very specific personal thought or memory (even a line) could anchor his dissatisfaction more emotionally.
Ending hook: Since you mention “if this gets reads,” consider ending the chapter on a slightly sharper question, anomaly, or tension point to pull readers into Chapter 2.
Overall, this definitely feels like the start of something worth continuing. The world has scale, and the tone is consistent. I’d read more .
umbral karma
This is a strong opening overall, your atmosphere and worldbuilding come through...
Thanks for the encouragement!
(Honestly, i almost gave up this post on this server. I do have 9 chapters so far and ill upload them ❤️)
Chapter 2-9 ^