#Just the first paragraph of my Crime/Mystery story (Its a Draft and I am looking for suggestions)

1 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

feral rampart
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This is my first story ever so please dont be harsh abt it

Eleanor Davon was a strange woman… a very strange woman indeed. At least that was most of the peoples’ first impressions and thoughts of her. The people of Fate Town hadn’t been really comfortable since this woman came to their precious homeland. Her origins and her purpose of this sudden visit to a town that had lost its peaceful life just a while ago being unknown, it felt like something was really off about this mysterious visitor who was not planning on leaving there any time soon. Curiosity, anxiety and fear filled their minds... Who knows? She could even be the one that was responsible for everything. Be it or not, things were about to change with this visitors arrival. It was impossible for anyone to guess how this change would affect them… These people were already struggling a lot since the Lake Tragedy which was the main reason of their peace being broken, so the only thing that came from their hands was praying for things to go on their way. The Lake Tragedy was a devastating crime that caused the savage deaths of 2 people. Both of the victims were well known individuals of this small town and the loss of these people -a man and a woman more specifically- which seemed as one of the smallest circles of an enormous crime chain, also reached to the continents beyond oceans, dropping a bomb of fear into the hearts of who heard about it. Even if this could have been accepted as just a crime, like if they are not witnessing similar events all the time, there was this detail that made people feel confused and shocked: The way the victims died. The main reason of their death was drowning on the autopsy report. Considering their corpses being found inside the lake that had given the town its’ name that’s a pretty natural cause. However the real deal was that if it wasn’t for the tourists who saw an area covered with blood inside the lake the corpses wouldn’t even be found. (I will send more soon)

thick vigil
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I do have one suggestion

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Usually, writers divide their story into paragraphs to make it easier to read

thick vigil
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Hm... well, I'd like to make one more comment

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I don't mean to be harsh, of course. It's just that what u wrote sounds more like exposition, and less of a story

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Allow me to explain the best way I know how: Exposition is an objective explanation of an event/situation. Stories consist of a mix of that AND a narrative. A narrative is a perspective (possibly more depending on the kind of story ur writing) of an event/situation

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I hope this helps u improve ur writing. If there's any other way I can help ya out lemme know (well, if my words actually aided u) ^w^

feral rampart
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Ohhhh I never thought of that Thanks a lot! And pls dont worry this kind of criticizm is what I need

feral rampart
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@low jay its been quite a while actually sorry

low jay
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This is the one you want me to look at?
Thanks for the ping...I would have searched a while to find it.

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Does it have a title yet?

feral rampart
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No =

feral rampart
low jay
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I just wanted to see if there was a direction the story was going.
Sometimes a title can help you focus.

feral rampart
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well I have something up on mind

low jay
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I see what Princeps was talking about. There's not much action here...just talk about action, but nothing really happens.

feral rampart
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Could you like- Clarify it w examples pls?

low jay
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Well...who is your MC...and who will be the POV character in this first section??

low jay
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The only person you name is Eleanor, but as I understand it, she's dead.

low jay
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Oh? Then who are the couple that died in the lake??

feral rampart
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The famous fortune teller of the Town and some unrelated guy with drug addiction he is also married to someone and has a daughter

low jay
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Ah, so Eleanor is the detective?

feral rampart
low jay
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So tell me why she showed up.

feral rampart
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I edited it a lot tho could you look at the latest one?

feral rampart
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let me sen it rq

low jay
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Ah. Well, as you posted text, that's all I have.

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Post a link to a Google Doc, so we can see the latest as you edit.

feral rampart
low jay
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I typically write in Scrivener...or Word, but sharing on Google isn't bad.
You just have to remember that everything on the web can be found by AI, for "analysis" or so they say.

feral rampart
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So I just gotta erase it afterwards

low jay
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If you don't post the whole thing...only parts...then they can't do anything with it.

low jay
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The nice thing about Google is that we can edit (or make suggestions) at the same time as you.

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You can see what other folks are doing with your document.

feral rampart
low jay
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But if you're afraid of AI stealing your work, then just drop in a Word doc. I can handle that...
The only problem is that every time you make changes, you'll have to drop in a new doc.

feral rampart
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There! @low jay I am not really sure where I gotta send it

low jay
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One more step...permissions:

feral rampart
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hmm probably family link thingy

low jay
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You can set and remove permissions as you like, so you can 'lock' the document when you're not actively sharing it.