mint totem
First impression is that I don't know enough. Giving your reader something to work on mentally without a concrete answer right away isn't bad, but too much of this can lead to a lot of confusion and that's not always a good thing.
I would front load your perspective character's personal details. They won't physically describe themselves, but I think you need to clarify details here as a foundation for the rug pull that is coming.
I see a lot of small grammar fixes and edits. Some places I would reword things to be a little more efficient.
Specifically the word "campaign" and the phrase "crazy stuff" leave me confused about what is going on. Moon Hound makes me think they are werewolves or something and further confuses me.
neon drift
The crazy stuff part is phrase is because of who was going to show up.
And thank you for your input.
mint totem
For sure. I'd like to help more but I don't really know own how without doing a lot of rewriting myself. I'm more of an overall story person than a scene writing expert
Maybe try to find a novel where the pov character is knocked unconcious and see if you can find some good ways to do that transition.
tepid wagon
This is short to have a lot of feedback on. I find reading from Discord really hard, and generally stick to GoogleDocs (personal weakness of mine), but I was able to get through this. It's not a bad start; things happen. It's not super clear (is... a person named Moon Hound? That's weird), but i wasn't really thrown until I got to the end a guy ... locked in a metal box (???) wants to build a fire as "step two?"
I was thinking, "Break out of the box" as "step 1" (I mean, I guess if there's gear around, fine -- see if you can find it) but wouldn't escaping be job 1. And if he can get out, wouldn't he assume he's in some place with food and water? Does he have any reason to think he's in some kind of wilderness survival scenario?
I was confused.
I was also a bit thrown by the drugs. Since that kind of drug attack isn't something I associate with real-world armies, I wondered if this was meant to be science fiction or fantasy? I hadn't previously assumed that.
neon drift
It’s survival fiction
tepid wagon
It’s survival fiction
Got it. Does the guy wake up in a literal 'metal box?' -- like a freezer or something?
tepid wagon
Okay -- why is step 1 not breaking out?
okay -- no worries. Just noting where I was confused
neon drift
Because he can move his body at all
tepid wagon
Because he can move his body at all
can or cannot?
neon drift
Can’t
tepid wagon
then how can step 1 be anything? He's paralyzed.
neon drift
The drug he was given had a very strong paralytic in it, so it made his body paralyzed for almost 2 hours
tepid wagon
sure, but like, he's got to lay there until it wears off and then break out, I'd assume? I was confused by "find gear and start a fire" both of which seem hard to do when you're in a metal coffin
(this is probably all a lot more clear in the rewrite so if you've already taken care of it, no worries)
neon drift
Step one was make a list of all the things he needs to do
tepid wagon
It was "check for any gear"
neon drift
He can look around but that is it
tepid wagon
okay.
neon drift
He is there thinking about how it’s funny because he’s is the one who made this mix to take people that his unit needed to talk with and now it’s being used on him only it was not made right
tepid wagon
sure. that part didn't confuse the heck out of me (as I said, it seemed kind of sci-fi-ish but not confusing)
His list of things to do, on the other hand, seemed completely confusing and a total non-sequitur.
neon drift
Look at it from this perspective you’re in you’re car going to the store to buy some thing you make and list in your head of what you need and some things you want
tepid wagon
I don't think, "start a fire" would be the first thing I would think of unless I had some reason to believe I was actually going to an untamed wilderness.
If he had a window in the box, and he looked out and saw miles of deserted snow and forest, then... sure. Then he'd think, "Wow! When I can move in two hours and I break out of this coffin, I'll still be screwed because I'm in miles of empty wasteland! I better scrounge whatever I can find and make a fire... or I'll freeze to death!"
neon drift
If I can add more on here I will do so
tepid wagon
But given the story so far, I'd say it's likely he'd assume he'd wake up in the HQ or dungeon of whoever kidnapped him.
neon drift
Nope
tepid wagon
And expect to be in some place like a cage, or an installation or whatever, and starting a fire would NOT be the first thing he'd assume
neon drift
He is in the middle of the woods in a snow storm from hell
tepid wagon
He is in the middle of the woods in a snow storm from hell
... wow. Where did you say that?
And how does he know that? He's... in a box, right?
neon drift
In the parts that I need to add
tepid wagon
okay so as it's written it doesn't make any sense, which was what I was saying
neon drift
It is going to
tepid wagon
Like I said, if he has a window in the box, and he looks out and sees that he's in the middle of the woods in a snow storm from hell, then yeah, "I better start a fire" makes sense
I honestly had no idea that you had him in the woods
neon drift
It just going to be a long road to walk down
tepid wagon
sure. I think part of the problem is that you, as the author know a bunch of stuff that the character (and the reader) have no clue about -- so when you write elements that make perfect sense to you, it seems weird and super confusing to the reader
part of what writing and getting feedback can help with
tepid wagon
I've done that. I think having the end in mind helps make the story cohere
neon drift
Yes but did you kill off two characters and one is really important?
tepid wagon
Yes but did you kill off two characters and one is really important?
... I've killed my share of characters. Killing the important ones is the highest impact!