mighty lark
Please find the Docs file for the first chapter of my novel (name TBA). I'm a first-time writer by the way. Please give me your honest feedback on every aspect of the chapter, positive or negative, as a comment in my file.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-V3VMbr5lFakAd0SVidI10qP_4XrfVTyZV9d5KNNzfk/edit
thorny fjord
I like the premise. Opening with one brother killing another for their father's inheritance is a strong start and invokes a lot of immediate power (classic struggle, understandable motives, apparent bad-guy, although family drama can be murky in a productive and interesting way).
I also think giving some back-story (the story of the kid's mother and abusive father) is useful. Understanding the family dynamic that led to fratricide-levels of dysfunction is probably justified... although it is a LOT of background given that the story seems to be about the brothers more than the mother / father.
I had two main issues with this.
This is not fatal, but it was distracting and took me out of the story pretty frequently. There were some key factors I was unsure about (was Alena cheating? Lying about Zac going to the hospital? I wasn't completely clear on how to read the sentences that seemed to explain that)
That said, if English is not your first language, this was good enough to keep me reading. It's something to work on and fix -- not a reason to abandon the project or anything like that.
Now, this is the start of their story, so you have room to develop them, but jumping DIRECTLY into the murder plot in the first scene that shows them interacting felt very abrupt and a bit disorienting.
I didn't feel like I had a handle on either character (are they adults? They visit their father monthly, so that sounds like it, but I wasn't sure). Do they trust each other? I wasn't even sure where they were (their father's house?)
thorny fjord
Basically I felt lost as soon as the story began. Now, it really just started -- there's only about 1/4th a page of interaction and dialog between the brothers and I think it's good that you start it with the poisoning (definitely better than another 2 pages of back-story), but I think you probably want to focus on the characters and set the scene a little more.
A note on poisoning: poisoning is a pretty difficult skill to get right and that's doubly true if the poisoner wants to get away with his murder -- meaning not to just kill the target, but also to avoid being arrested and convicted.
If a healthy young person dies unexpectedly there's likely to be some kind of police investigation, etc. Even poisons that look largely like other causes can be caught with the right kinds of forensic tests.
My feeling is that getting the poisoning plan at least somewhat realistic is likely to be at least helpful, and maybe critically important, to your story. That is not necessarily true -- and it's just my opinion as a reader -- but the challenges in getting away with poison murder are significant enough that, if you haven't done a lot of research, I'd recommend it.
I'd also recommend researching what likely police responses to the unexpected death of someone in line to inherit a significant amount of money would be.
Again -- I don't think realism is necessarily the highest priority in fiction, but part of what I find engaging about crime stories and murder plots is the challenge the killer faces in setting things up and getting away with it.
mighty lark
@thorny fjord, I am glad that I got feedback and I highly appreciate the time spent on reviewing my writing.
However, I would like to mention the fact that Luke's murder is not the most important event or aspect of the whole novel. He kills Zac for one and only thing: their father's money.
This novel is mostly about Jeff and his brother Danial (Danial is not mentioned in chapter one). Later on in the novel, I'm planning to include a plot twist. Basically, despite all the efforts Luke took, he doesn't get his father's inheritance; the wealthy Jeff died with nothing (How?).
The novel is not based on Luke and Zac. They are but side characters, who relate to the protagonist. The main theme is yet to come. It is not a crime mystery or related.
thorny fjord
Okay, well, then maybe it's not that important, but the novel opens with Luke and Zac and then the story ends with them. If it's not that important then I guess I'd say I didn't have a handle on what was important and what wasn't.
mighty lark
Also, toward the end of the chapter, there was no mention of Zac actually drinking the poisoned juice. He told Luke to keep it on his table and the scene ends there. So, we don't really know if he died or not.
thorny fjord
yeah. it sort of ended before anything actually happened.
mighty lark
I want to get feedback on the way I wrote the chapter and whether my writing style was good or not. So, please, if you can, comment on the language I used and if it is novel-like or not.
thorny fjord
I want to get feedback on the way I wrote the chapter and whether my writing sty...
Like I said, I found a lot of the writing awkward and somewhat difficult to follow. It wasn't impossible to figure out but I'd recommend getting an editor once you've got the basic story in place
Like I said, this isn't a 'deal breaker' but I think it's something to think about fixing on a second go-round
mighty lark
Do you mean I want to make it simpler?
thorny fjord
I don't know if simpler is the right way to say it. Some of the idioms are unfamiliar and hard to figure out. Like saying "sealed relationship" -- I don't really understand what a sealed relationship is. Or saying "Jeff affirmed he had lung cancer" -- typically when you're affirming something, you're doing it to some one (communicating whatever you're affirming to another person). In this case, it wasn't clear to me who he was affirming anything to, since he hadn't yet confirmed his diagnosis (which he does in the next sentence).
Again -- I got what was going on (basically), but I would strongly recommend an editor.
mighty lark
Thank you so much.
mighty lark
I don't know if simpler is the right way to say it. Some of the idioms are unfam...
(By the way, I did write "Jeff affirmed to himself.")
thorny fjord
yeah, that's not a very straight forward use of the term. Like, he doesn't know, right? He hasn't had a diagnosis. How can he 'affirm' it to anyone (himself included)
Not super-confusing. Just awkward. A little distracting.
mighty lark
I think writing "Jeff believed that he had lung cancer" is better. And then continuing it with "To confirm it...".
thorny fjord
yeah. That's how I think most people would understand it