#A Quick Stop at the Grape Vine Café (WIP)

1 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

kindred chasm
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https://docs.google.com/document/d/1nnLiZL0xSfMeNdr1oHGtxq_tO4qBUEClRW5UC9c-vLs/edit?usp=sharing

Critiques are fully welcome.

Google Docs
A Quick Stop at The Grape Vine Café

A Quick Stop at The Grape Vine Café Written by Nyx ♬ Background Music ♬ .·:·.✧ ✦ ✧.·:·..·:·.✧ ✦ ✧.·:·..·:·.✧ ✦ ✧.·:·. The first thing I smelled was the bread. The scent filled my mind and body with comfortable thoughts of home. My shoulders loosened as I took another step into the café. The...

shadow cape
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There wasn't a lot here to react to except a well-drawn, cozy sense of place and a very light sense of the point-of-view character through his observations (mostly sensory, with only a few judgement calls).

This seemed like something you could build on / leverage: you've created a café and put someone in it; have something happen there.

kindred chasm
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It's a WIP so I do plan to make it more interesting

kindred chasm
flat crane
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how specific do you want me to be?

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I just don't want to nitpick your story and be seen as a jerk haha

kindred chasm
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It's a very early WIP I started from some weird idea, so...

flat crane
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well just in general, it's an interesting story. you said earlier you want the cafe to give off a cozy vibe and you 100% accomplished that

kindred chasm
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Really? That was my main original idea, heh.

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I didn't even plan to really give it any conflict tbh.

flat crane
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this is a little bit more of a nitpick, but the word patter stood out to me as being overused. I wish I could suggest a substitute, but when I tried all the synonyms were conversation based rather than sound based (chatter, jaw, chat, etc)

kindred chasm
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Patter as in the rain?

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Yeah, hmm...

flat crane
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also another more nitpick thing, but usually espresso is used rather than expresso

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that one can be more or less disregarded since technically expresso can be correct

kindred chasm
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I don't personally drink coffee (tea lover) so, yeah... I thought of the first coffee I could think of.

flat crane
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ah, in that case it's espresso

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other than those, I got no complaints. your story is good so far in my opinion

kindred chasm
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Really?

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I thought there'd be more big issues, heh...

flat crane
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I didn't see any

kindred chasm
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Well, thank you.