snow lily atop still waters
The ever flowing river.
The slow, almost still water.
The clear water, untainted by the black ink of impurity.
The river flows eternally, with clear waters.
The clear water shines brightly as if treasured crystal ore.
The dazzling water.
The water is untainted by the sorrows,
The water is untainted by outer sin.
As the water continues to flow, never coming to a full halt.
A white lily slowly drifts from atop a tree.
The lily descends, slowly swaying side by side with the wind.
The lily makes its way to the crystal waters of the river.
Finally touching the water, and sitting upon the pure waters.
The lily becomes damp as it touches the water.
Sitting atop the water, yet it still becomes wet.
The white lily, just as light as a flurry of snow,
In both color and weight.
The water flows slowly, as if not flowing at all.
The lily moved along with the water, down the river.
The single petal looked just as graceful as an angel.
Just as pure as an angel.
Down the river she goes, moving along with time.
Moving along with “eternity.”
The lily, now dampened.
Slowly becoming drenched with the water of the river.
The lily darkened in color with the touch of the cool water.
The change in state of the once snow white lily.
The lily becomes anew.
Dampened with the water, touched by something other than itself.
Becoming a new self, one of impurity rather than the purity it once held.
She weeps, this is not her.
This is not who she is.
She has become so damp, so dark.
The darkness has tainted her.
The wetness, the water engulfs her.
She is not who she used to be, the innocent, snow white petal.
“Vos facta infecta per tristitiam.”
She smiles, yet she weeps.
As time passes, the flower petal wilts.
The river, even without the once glorious lily,
Continues to flow on, forevermore.
#snow lily atop still waters - looking for feedback
royal plume
this work of mine was written in under fifteen minutes, so I will be revising it soon!
for explanation, it's all a metaphor for depression.
the snow lily is the person, and the river is the depression
when the lily touches the water, it becomes darker in hue, as most things do when they become wet
which also pertains to the entering a depressed state
even after the lily wilts, the river continues to flow, both showing that the depression doesn't end because the time has passed, and that even as time passes, as you're gone, nothing other than you truly changes
please critique this work ❤️
gritty dock
It's beautiful; I hesitate to critique it. Very sensual, it has an interesting turn partway through. Beautiful meter, alliteration, and wordplay. Well done.
lilac echo
In all seriousness: I have nothing to say. Maybe a bit too much of verbless sentences, but that's also part of the charm of your text. Very good.
royal plume
In all seriousness: I have nothing to say. Maybe a bit too much of verbless sent...
Thank you so much! The verbless sentences were actually done completely on purpose to leave a majority of the story more abstract. I find in writings like this one, it helps to keep the reader engaged and immersed in the story rather than certain aspects being laid out. It really helps you to see multiple different perspectives on the story, and to create your own image of the story in your head!
I’m only a teenager so perhaps my writing isn’t masterful yet, but I do try my best and some thought goes into how to execute the many ideas within my mind.
royal plume
It's beautiful; I hesitate to critique it. Very sensual, it has an interesting ...
Thank you very much, I appreciate the praise!