fair island
Title: Rise of the Daywalker
Genre: Horror/Sci-fi
Warning: Violence
Word count: 900 words and about 30 pgs
Summary:
Sealgair, Daywalker, is after Dracula for his mother's death. Yet, he is wanted by a pope for killing his nephew, and he's wanted in Dublin for a killing. Despite that, his pursuit will take him to new place which he has Natalie along for the ride.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/10yokynQNuXJzYwCXJgFVSds2vC-ds73wEiLqhfEEv4Q/edit?usp=drivesdk
Feedback and discussion are welcome.
fair island
@tawdry bay
fair island
Title: A Brothers' War
Genre: High Fantasy
Length: (2,000 words, ~100 minutes reading,....)
Synopsis: A story of a exiled brother who goes to war to avenge his father. Along the way, he makes an alliance with a feared enemy, but events are taking shape. He will soon clash with his brother for the throne.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1CZPQPDSo5nfMi5KBaAmIXnVj9hz04dvDTqCy_XJIuTY/edit?usp=drivesdk
Feedback and discussions about the submission
fair island
Dragonborn: Rise of the Winged One
Warning: NSFW and Violence
Genre: Fantasy
Chapter 3 (Incomplete)
Word count: 1,200 words approximately
Summary: Vladimir is chosen to be the Winged One. His Creator foretold his coming, but he is reluctant. His empire, that he fought so hard for, is run by a mad man. He doesn't believe that he has the guts to be emperor of Dracos.
Feedback would be helpful.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1sneTlf_IeN3f9jqvUtOPzxj7vz_-ADCP66E4TR9ANuw/edit?usp=drivesdk
fair island
Title: Merc Trilogy
Genre: Fantasy
Prologue and 5th Story
Warning: A Tad Violent and Tragedy
Word count: 30,000 words (approximately)
Summary: A stranger is hired to track centaurs. Yet, more contracts is laid out for him as the Dark Elf Wars are about to resume. Another stranger is causing it, but the merc may be too late in stopping the orcs from marching across no-mans lands. Yet, he has one trick in his sleeves.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1cpSUxBDgHAof4hlVSjedvI38Q4xsihohd1G1Zu4eEVE/edit?usp=drivesdk
fair island
Title: The M Initiative: Avenger Delta 059
Genre: Military Sci-Fi
Chapter 2 (Incomplete)
Word Count: 14,702 words (approximately)
Summary: Mutants of the M Initiative have turned on their officers. Save for 12 individuals, most are coming under a mind control device, and scientists can't figured out why. With time running out, HQ has no choice, but activate the 12 mutants into a squad and knock out the device before the kaiju can enter earth. Leading it is Captain Grey who is a lose cannon but gets job done. Yet, he has a secret of his true reason of being a late mutant, but his task at hand will have him controlled or be too late.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/13YBk7N2JE22Jm3tfxWCp3CmMy-Y1wLcNs7I9XsDIy1g/edit?usp=drivesdk
fair island
Title: Stranger Among the Tygarians
Genre: Portal Sci-Fi
Warning: Graphic Stuff
Chapter 2 (Incomplete)
Word count: about 2,000
Page count: 13 pages
Summary: An American soldier gets mistakingly thrown into another war. He searches for a way home, but it gets complicated between war and a warrior woman. Home seems so far from him, or is it.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/16WEBU2BFF_ONHBJ5dPdLoUOKyO8GmyM8K8NpXFodpPM/edit?usp=drivesdk
fair island
Title: Merc Trilogy
Genre: Fantasy
Prologue and 5th Story
Warning: A Tad Violent and Tragedy
Word count: 30,000 words (approximately)
Updated.
Summary: A stranger is hired to track centaurs. Yet, more contracts is laid out for him as the Dark Elf Wars are about to resume. Another stranger is causing it, but the merc may be too late in stopping the orcs from marching across no-mans lands. Yet, he has one trick in his sleeves.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1cpSUxBDgHAof4hlVSjedvI38Q4xsihohd1G1Zu4eEVE/edit?usp=drivesdk
“I am!” The big knight replies as he gets the weapons together,“
We’ve been harassing elves, but we are nowhere close to succeeding.”
“Let’s go, captain!” The gang disappears with Taibhs. On the other side of the woods a few days later, a woman in a hood
was escaping hooded strangers. In desperation, the woman hides
something in a bush as she is a league ahead while hooded figures are
chasing her. The woman stops by a stream as the strangers encircle her,“
You won’t get him!”
“We will get him, but as for you… No wait!” The woman jumps in the
stream while the hoods search for something. A cry is heard as the hood
says,“ Found him, our boss will be…”
Taibhs jumps down as he shoots a guy with his crossbow pistol. The
merc picks up the child while training his weapons on the rest,“ You guys leave, or I will send you all to Tartarus.”
Artemis arrives with her bow trained,“ I missed it!”
“Did you find her?” Artemis shakes her head,“ We have a puzzle
cause this is a half elf child.”
“May I?” Taibhs let's Artemis get the child as he stares at the ground,“
You think that she dropped something?”
“I know that she is a half elf.” Taibhs picks up herbs while Artemis is hushing the child,“ Elfton isn’t far from here.”
“What’s that?”
“A town that I got half elf refugees to after staying there.” Taibhs lost
the woman,“ We got to go, and the child needs something more stable than us.”
The duo manages to get back as the knights wave them to come over. Taibhs runs to the captain,“ Elves?”
“Yes, I believe hundred and fifty plus a hundred women” The head knight
notices a child with them,“ This is no place for an infant!”
“I got him, and give the signal!” Taibhs takes the child as Artemis pulls out
her bow and arrows. Taibhs climbs up as he places the child in a haversack on a branch. Taibhs stares at him,“ You a big guy aren’t you, but we should be able to get you to elfton soon, little one. Now, this is where you don’t see trouble.”
Big text wall if Some one wants to correct it.
fair island
Map 2
fair island
Ok, I'm post a paragraph for analysis from a short novel, and I need help on this.
fair island
Bertrand marched by Dillion,“ I know that we are going to trap a Royalist trap, young Hibernian.” Bertrand saw many men with him,“ We shall conquer, but there will be no rape, plunder, or pillage!” The general sighed as Dillion smiled. The general wanted loot and trophies as Dillion wanted to stay home. The soldiers neared Cannes as the troops spotted it. General Bertrand motioned for silence,“ We will occupy the town, but we will be on our best behavior!”
fair island
Anywho, I got to chapter 3 in Napoleon's grenadier.
fair island
Conversation that I'm doing.
“Merci friend, I hope that you won’t die.” Emillie sounded calm but deep down was terrified to lose Dillion. Her friend being in harm’s way terrified her the most. Marshal Ney was a die-hard and would stop Napoleon if he put his mind to it. Madame de Mahon was saddened that her sweet Dillion would die for another war like Claude. Emillie’s mind would contrive to save Dillion no matter what would happen to her. Emillie looked at Dillion,“ Henri!” Emillie hollered in terror,“ Don’t end up like Claude.”
“Madame de Mahaon,” Dillion replied politely,“ If God takes me, it will be my time to leave my torment.” The captain said no more as Emillie nodded while being escorted to breakfast. Dillion threw off a few drunkards and sat Emillie in front of him
fair island
Title: The Gothian Warrior-King
Genre: Fantasy Short
Word count: 600 words (approximately).
Summary: An Hyborean fanfic set in the collapse of Atlantean island as a freed Gothian slave became a warrior-king.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/17i5oNWI25N-VKPpdKtqMA6cRbyn5389Lis8CQRZqRkw/edit?usp=drivesdk
fair island
Title: The Wolf and the Rancher Woman
Genre: Western Shory
Word count: 300 words (unfinished).
Summary: An adopted Apache decides to stay behind and protect the Rancher woman for a strange reason.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HKvOGB3PTHTIrb0pRzDt1ETfWwry1SedYuhqmyOzWRo/edit?usp=drivesdk
fair island
Title: The Wolf and the Rancher Woman
Genre: Western Short
Word count: 300 words (unfinished but words added).
Violence Warning
Summary: An adopted Apache decides to stay behind and protect the Rancher woman for a strange reason.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HKvOGB3PTHTIrb0pRzDt1ETfWwry1SedYuhqmyOzWRo/edit?usp=drivesdk
fair island
Two inspirations besides Hondo are Chato portrayed by Charles Bronson and Hombre which has a protagonist who was raised Apache,
fair island
I'm leaving this as is.
Late in 1866 as Comancheros escaped Union patrols with women at the tow of the rope, two Apaches trailed them as the lead became skittish. Apache hated anyone who dealt with Comanches, and the Comancheros had every right to be afraid of Apaches. A white skinned Apache appeared in the front and looked at the captive women as they huddled in fear. The buck was looking at them, and a dark-haired one stood out with fair skin. The woman made no attempt
to huddle and stare at him with a cold stare as she wasn’t one to be intimidated. One Apache
spoke,“ How much for her, Comanchero?”
@torn shard This is the start,
torn shard
I swear on the precious I will get to it eventually. I have mulitple stories i need to read for blood pacts.
fair island
I swear on the precious I will get to it eventually. I have mulitple stories i n...
Sorry, I didn't feel like posting this there.
Lazy.
torn shard
Like I'll read your stories eventually, since you read mine. I just have stories that I made pacts with people to read.
fair island
You are good.
jaunty arrow
Like...
"Cochise came out with his skin from praying to Ussen, the tone of his words hinting at a thinly veiled anger after killing four white mule drivers. A young white man that rode with him, was shedding tears as he missed Dos-teh-seh. The woman was a tough one: due to the nature of the Apache as she was important to him."
I'm so lost
I don't understand those sentences, I mean, I do understand the english, but I don't know what it means.
fair island
@jaunty arrow you are granted to talk and crictize here.
jaunty arrow
What the hell is a dos-teh-seh
fair island
What the hell is a dos-teh-seh
Cochise's wife.
jaunty arrow
and came out with his skin for praying to USsen? He did what?
fair island
and came out with his skin for praying to USsen? He did what?
The event in question was the Bascom affair.
jaunty arrow
OK, if you require historical knowledge to know the context for this, then give me at least a paragraph on that. I mean, you really can do better than that, but at least.
This is historical knowledge of a country I have zero relation to, so...
fair island
Apaches were noy violent violent to Yanks until Bascom rubbed them the wrong way and hanged several male relatives.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bascom_affair
jaunty arrow
"The young lad paused his pinto to look behind him as he looked for her."
pinto horse. Just write pinto horse, plz
I had to google it cuz to me pinto means the CAR pinto, makes no sense in context
fair island
Actually, I think that's the best comment yet color. Thanks
jaunty arrow
Apaches were noy violent violent to Yanks until Bascom rubbed them the wrong way...
I mean you summarized it in one sentence! Just add that to your story and you're good lol
fair island
I got another, but you don't need to give feed back today.
jaunty arrow
“You should’ve turned me in, Cochise!” White Wolf said as he endured this pain and said bravely,“ You could’ve saved Maa and your sons!”
Like, "this" pain? You mean "his" pain?
This reads wrong there
Also, cut the adverb. We don't need it.
If you want someone to see him as brave, then give another character a reaction like "That's a brave thing to say", but just using an adverb is eh.
or just "the pain", is ok too
rather than "this pain"
I'll assume that's just a typo or something
fair island
Title: Billy Lyall: the Comanche Killer
Genre: Western
Violence Warning
Summary: Billy Lyall is an atypical Western protagonist. His travel is simple, but he fights more than his talks. His obstacles are many from women, Yankee cavalry, and Comanches have given him a run for his money. Billy may have bit off too much beef in this story.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/18XpPRAHdm_X7cQwmkT2oXDSBDu2UgUiXeoV01Illbgg/edit?usp=drivesdk
jaunty arrow
This is another example
“You know what we said as your Maa was against it.” Cochise spoke with a calm tone despite being very upset,“ We won’t discuss it, but you won’t carry the blame solely.”
fair island
Like, "this" pain? You mean "his" pain?
I try to add "his pain". Thanks again.
jaunty arrow
Tell me, what can someone DO that allows you to tell that they're upset, even if they're trying to speak calmly?
Like, their posture may tense, they may fidget with their weapon, they may move abruptly
fair island
To speak without showing anger when the person hasn't done anything to offend him.
jaunty arrow
So use your beat there to show us something Cochise is doing that informs us that he's upset, rather than telling us he is.
Like.
You may wanna worry about describing actual actions, and kind of inform emotions through that
rather than telling us
And if there are no important actions being made, then don't describe anything. Just leave the dialogue as it is. And if the dialogue isn't informing the emotion you want to convey, then rewrite it until it does
fair island
Thanks.
jaunty arrow
“You know what we said as your Maa was against it!” Cochise blurted out, but shook his head immediately after. He took a deep breath and spoke once more. “We won’t discuss it, but you won’t carry the blame solely.”
For example
So he isn't calm, obviously, but then he collected himself
It also flows better since the other guy was being loud too, and Cochise maybe just reacted without thinking, specially seeing as this is something that mattered. shrug
fair island
So he isn't calm, obviously, but then he collected himself
Thanks again.
jaunty arrow
This is waaaaaaaaaaaay too short to do that
also
"Where they rode, it was to Colarodas to get help."
That sentence is a trainwreck :(
"They rode to Colarodas to get help"
fair island
Thanks also.
jaunty arrow
"If they were to get any help, they thought, it was in Colarodas, and so there they rode."
and so on
You can get more flowery, that's fine, but be precise first.
fair island
Okay.
jaunty arrow
"White Wolf wondered about Dos-teh-seh, but he just looked at the sky and wondered about his path. The journey that he couldn’t see was there, but it would be ages. 1861 and on would be years before he understood it. "
So which is it? He wondered about his wife, but then he wondered about his path instead?
Or he did both?
The journey he couldn't see was there...how? There was a journey, but he couldn't see it yet?
fair island
Or he did both?
His mother and journey, he's young. When we get to the Comancheros, he's different. He is even bold to Comancheros on his turf.
jaunty arrow
Everytime I read something like that my brain has to stop what its doing and try to figure out what you're trying to tell me, so I can't enjoy the story.
"White Wolf wondered about Dos-teh-seh, but as his gaze shifted skywards his mind drifted to his path. There was a journey there, but he couldn't see it yet. Perhaps in time, he would understand it."
For example, again. Just trying to be precise in the language goes a long way.
fair island
Okay. Are you having troubles at the Comancheros?
jaunty arrow
getting there
jaunty arrow
"Late in 1866 as Comancheros escaped Union patrols with women at the tow of the rope, two Apaches trailed them as the lead became skittish."
It may seem like i'm being super nitpicky, and I am, but this is a short and every word counts
The problem with that sentence is that it starts like you're writing about an event, then it transitions into actual characters doing something, then a description of an action from a specific character that only gets mentioned right at the end due to the action
That poor sentence is overworked.
"Late in 1866, as Comancheros escaped Union patrols with women at the tow of the rope, two Apaches trailed them. The leader of the escaping Comancheros became skittish, feeling something was wrong."
Divide your ideas for clarity.
jaunty arrow
curtsy
This is more of a nitpick
but
"Apache hated anyone who dealt with Comanches, and the Comancheros had every right to be afraid of Apaches."
I get why you tell us this
But you can show us.
"The two trailing Apaches furrowed their brow, their stances tense with hatred towards the comancheros."
We already saw the leader getting skittish, so we got both sides' emotions, see? Problem solved
you can cut the infodump.
fair island
Okay.
jaunty arrow
And I'm being lazy, you could probably just get a better beat there to convey their hatred than what I suggested ;P
But what's important is that you understand the idea.
Cuz you got okay writing, but if you fixed some of these things, it'd be great writing.
or at the very least pretty strong.
fair island
Cuz you got okay writing, but if you fixed some of these things, it'd be great w...
Try for more Sergio right?
jaunty arrow
Sergio?
fair island
Man with no name trilogy director and other spaghetti westerns.
jaunty arrow
Oh! Well.
Hm. Not necessarily.
if you notice, so far I haven't said anything about your actual characters or plot at all
or even what they say
Just how you're presenting those things
fair island
I noticed.
fair island
Title: Billy Lyall: the Comanche Killer
Genre: Western
Violence Warning
Summary: Billy Lyall is an atypical Western protagonist. His travel is simple, but he fights more than his talks. His obstacles are many from women, Yankee cavalry, and Comanches have given him a run for his money. Billy may have bit off too much beef in this story.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/18XpPRAHdm_X7cQwmkT2oXDSBDu2UgUiXeoV01Illbgg/edit?usp=drivesdk
fair island
I got an idea on Billy's description that's similar to this.
https://youtube.com/watch?v=lyuwBW9lNa8&feature=share9
fair island
I had to google it cuz to me pinto means the CAR pinto, makes no sense in contex...
Fixed it to pinto horse finally.
fair island
I pictured pie-bald colored pinto horse then a stew-bald.
So I wrote them into one story.
fair island
Title: The Nile Task
Genre: Historical Adventure
Violence warning
Summary: Charlie Cameron is a big game safari hunter. Secretly, he is a specialist with Zulu scouts that did a Boer job. Safari is becoming slowed by a new Governor that he took a Nile task of rescuing two women. This would not be the best that he would get. However, he is trying to make good this trying lot.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1spmn0HQCWkp3sCwCcFWf_epqOOLX6-by0kaL2LWPUpQ/edit?usp=drivesdk
fair island
Title: The Nile Task
Genre: Historical Adventure
Violence warning
Summary: Charlie Cameron is a big game safari hunter. Secretly, he is a specialist with Zulu scouts that did a Boer job. Safari is becoming slowed by a new Governor that he took a Nile task of rescuing two women. This would not be the best that he would get. However, he is trying to make good this trying lot.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1spmn0HQCWkp3sCwCcFWf_epqOOLX6-by0kaL2LWPUpQ/edit?usp=drivesdk
fair island
Title: Billy Lyall: the Comanche Killer
Genre: Western
Violence Warning
About: I added a few words more
Summary: Billy Lyall is an atypical Western protagonist. His travel is simple, but he fights more than his talks. His obstacles are many from women, Yankee cavalry, and Comanches have given him a run for his money. Billy may have bit off too much beef in this story.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/18XpPRAHdm_X7cQwmkT2oXDSBDu2UgUiXeoV01Illbgg/edit?usp=drivesdk
Billy does something insane.
Billy has to sell the Peaceful Cheyenne facade with no shirt and white paint as he tries to get captives back. It goes too well as Billy promises 3 and 4 more horses.
Mad Bear knowing that he's a fake from Quanah accidentally, shoots him.
Billy, known as undying wolf and is unharmed as the bullet nicked his shirt, removes the white paint and replaces it with black. He shouts that he will get the three horses and the women. He rides like crazy into town.
fair island
Title: Billy Lyall: the Comanche Killer
Genre: Western
Violence Warning
About: I added a few words more
Summary: Billy Lyall is an atypical Western protagonist. His travel is simple, but he fights more than his talks. His obstacles are many from women, Yankee cavalry, and Comanches have given him a run for his money. Billy may have bit off too much beef in this story.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/18XpPRAHdm_X7cQwmkT2oXDSBDu2UgUiXeoV01Illbgg/edit?usp=drivesdk
torn shard
Very cool. Looks like a mix of American and Native American
fair island
Very cool. Looks like a mix of American and Native American
A tragedy during the civil war.
These are people who are civilized but have their own ways.
fair island
Title: Billy Lyall: the Comanche Killer
Genre: Western
Violence Warning
About: I added a few words more
Summary: Billy Lyall is an atypical Western protagonist. His travel is simple, but he fights more than his talks. His obstacles are many from women, Yankee cavalry, and Comanches have given him a run for his money. Billy may have bit off too much beef in this story.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/18XpPRAHdm_X7cQwmkT2oXDSBDu2UgUiXeoV01Illbgg/edit?usp=drivesdk
fair island
Title: Ride of the Pawnee
Genre: Historic drama
Violence warning and Other Warnings
A Pawnee runs away and finds comfort in a window's arms. Hiw friend shows up and asks for help which will put the relationship in dire straights. He accepts to prove to her father that he is a warrior and a provider. The last fight against his foes is about to start.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ZHx6jPymwdx7l_MjlamaavOKyohQg3Lx4lxzQN9De4c/edit?usp=drivesdk
fair island
Title: Billy Lyall: the Comanche Killer
Genre: Western
Violence Warning
About: I added a few words more
Summary: Billy Lyall is an atypical Western protagonist. His travel is simple, but he fights more than his talks. His obstacles are many from women, Yankee cavalry, and Comanches have given him a run for his money. Billy may have bit off too much beef in this story.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/18XpPRAHdm_X7cQwmkT2oXDSBDu2UgUiXeoV01Illbgg/edit?usp=drivesdk
fair island
I want Amy bleached redhead with green eyes.
fair island
https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/1010977634466938910/1134782493648760882...
I want to adjust the kepi to slouch hat now.
fair island
Title: Recon on Nebulus
Genre: Sci-fi
PA
Summary: A captain makes a choice that uncovers known corruption.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HFVH0cDJ-5HGblptqNy12065IC-hDy-Kq58P583j5E8/edit?usp=drivesdk
fair island
Title: Billy Lyall: the Comanche Killer
Genre: Western
Violence Warning
About: I added a few words more
Chapter 4 done.
Summary: Billy Lyall is an atypical Western protagonist. His travel is simple, but he fights more than his talks. His obstacles are many from women, Yankee cavalry, and Comanches have given him a run for his money. Billy may have bit off too much beef in this story.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/18XpPRAHdm_X7cQwmkT2oXDSBDu2UgUiXeoV01Illbgg/edit?usp=drivesdk
fair island
Title: Billy Lyall: the Comanche Killer
Genre: Western
Violence Warning
About: I added a few words more.
Story complete.
Summary: Billy Lyall is an atypical Western protagonist. His travel is simple, but he fights more than his talks. His obstacles are many from women, Yankee cavalry, and Comanches have given him a run for his money. Billy may have bit off too much beef in this story.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/18XpPRAHdm_X7cQwmkT2oXDSBDu2UgUiXeoV01Illbgg/edit?usp=drivesdk
fair island
So excited.
fair island
Later in the stories, we see Billy reach into darkness to rescue Naesh's kids. Also, I wrote Scout Dog who's a Osage. Ironically, he's more into ptsd than Billy.
Despite not telling Billy the ptsd effects under Custer, Scout Dog rides with him to help save Naesh's kids.
Billy knows something is up, but he's more focus until Scout Dog screams at a Cheyenne captive or doesn't play along with Billy in a big bluff.
fair island
An exchange between Deputy US Marshal Bob Russel and Billy Lyall:
Billy: A bit far from Brownsville Marshal?
Bob: I moved on to deputy here and married Kimberley, how is your pardon?
Billy: It doesn't pay much in these times.
Bob: It's tough as an ex-outlaw to not do crime
Billy: It's not that, but it's other stuff.
Bob: Locals treating you okay?
Billy nods: Better than I thought.
fair island
Behind this year plus projects.
fair island
I'm behind, but I want to show what I'm working on.
Title: The Knight in the Cold\The Rage
Genre: Historic fiction
Word count: 80 words
Summary: A descendant of Alulf warns Dimitri that Mamai is coming. He is betwixt his love and helping fellow Christians.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1QKZN0lSsQJPUp_cgKKNT4_MdUH641Nc_Cpp2IeFG4Dw/edit?usp=drivesdk
fair island
Title: Wolf at the Gates
Genre: Historic fiction
Summary: Alulf and his band from the Holy Land are stranded in Iberia. They go along with a caravan under Emir Muharib who serves Yusef. They get double crossed and escaped as they angered powerful foes. They will soon find themselves fighting alongside unfamiliar people in a harsh land of Castille.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1G-TqLPJDwqz7qpXAheOeGlK7tKbQ9PKxtVLd0NNt0lo/edit?usp=drivesdk
fair island
Title: Oni of Iga
Rating: Adult audience
Genre: Historic fiction
Word count: 60 words
Summary: Oni Akio is a Oni killer and well paid too. He struggles with proving himself and witnessing horrors of the trade as he is Hanzo's childhood friend and retainer.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1eEOKtly43VCF5Xb7XLrPmkg1FfmqgPYnKV5uuqHBZtA/edit?usp=drivesdk
torn shard
So...I've read Wolf at the Gates, @fair island. not sure how in-depth you'd like feedback, or what you're looking for specifically.
fair island
Is it bad?
torn shard
no, I don't think it's bad; it's a rough draft, and rough drafts will grow and change as you edit. It's a starting point; I like the idea of starting with the council meeting, as it sets a tense mood befitting the situation at hand.
What I noticed was that there's a lot of explaining/telling instead of showing. iirc, Colorcubed gave the same feedback to you on a Western story. So I'd really focus on sharing that information through expression, emotion, etc. Slow the pacing of the action with descriptions of the setting a bit, give us some emotions to hook onto: it will help us connect to the characters. because right now, it reads more like a rough sketch of scenes, rather than a fleshed out worldspace
fair island
Okay.
I go back over it. Thanks.
Main goal was giving kernels into past that's it.
fair island
Title: Wolf at the Gates
Genre: Historic fiction
Summary: Alulf and his band fro...
Update: The party encounters abandon villages and bandits.
fair island
Can I call sabers, scimitars?
torn shard
iirc a scimitar is a derivative weapon of the Turko-Mongol saber. And Western sabers are also derivatives of derivatives of the Turko-Mongol sabers.
fair island
I'm not saying it, but I hint that it's a form of persecution. Alulf's party witnessed first hand how village people vanished.
fair island
Title: Wolf at the Gates
Genre: Historic fiction
Summary: Alulf and his band from the Holy Land are stranded in Iberia. They go along with a caravan under Emir Muharib who serves Yusef. They get double crossed and escaped as they angered powerful foes. They will soon find themselves fighting alongside unfamiliar people in a harsh land of Castille.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1G-TqLPJDwqz7qpXAheOeGlK7tKbQ9PKxtVLd0NNt0lo/edit?usp=drivesdk
Muharib bin Abu Naar is going to be Alulf's best arch-nemesis.
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Lazy day today, I feel bad about not doing much.
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Snippet of the meeting.
Muharib stared at this party as he saw Turcopoles on horseback. He said," You guys are far from home, do you intend to attack us?"
Alulf in his enclose helm stared at Muharib in his turban. He nodded," We want a passage north then we will be home."
Muharib distrusted Alulf and his party as they fought his cousins in Holy land. He tested him," Crusades are on going, and aren't we foes?"
Alulf smiled and shook his head as he motioned calm among his party. He politely replied," War is over, but you can decide if you want to cross us."
Muharib nodded as he stared at the man's sapphire eyes. He said," You can stay, but you will be at the rears flank."
@torn shard I repaying snippet for a snippet.
torn shard
oh my, that meeting could have turned into an ugly battle very quickly. good to see that Muharib and Alulf could come to an agreement...even though Alulf's wayyyy in the back
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Alulf don't care where he's at. He wants a safe passage home.
torn shard
a wise choice, especially when faced with a band of soldiers
I'm glad he just went with the flow and did what needed to be done to get home ❤️
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I'm glad he just went with the flow and did what needed to be done to get home ❤...
It goes south as they go East not North. The language barrier gets worse as Alulf and Aslan defend the captives intended for slavery by bettering conditions. Then it is rumors of their demise, and listening to captives' fear causes paranoia. Then the Castilian Moors' raid is the last straw in a pile of broken promises.
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The meeting is tense, very tense. They know little except rumors about one another. Even when Alulf's Turcopoles shadow the caravan, they are more curious. Then they meet with their respective banners.
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I did research and like the pheasant scene.
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Got a name for the ww2 protagonist: Johnny Ahoka.
Johnny escaped Philippines. His rough Odyssey began as he traveled back Oklahoma. He fought at Sicily and witnessed atrocities, but he kept killing Axis powers and cursing Axis Sally. After stint at Operation Dragoon, he went back to Philippines and throws a radio in the sea as he hates Tokyo Rose due to Sally's influence.
The worst was being told his brother died at Sicily and close buddy Frank died at Omaha beach. Then he has to tell Kate that her fiancee is dead.
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I got characters named in the main cast.
Pedro: a Filipino scout that Johnny met and teams up for a raid.
Frankie: the close friend that joined engineers to blew up the wall at Omaha. It cost him dearly.
Kate: She's Frankie's fiancee stuck in POW camp and maybe dead.
Jack: Johnny's younger brother that wanted to be Johnny. He died and left a widow and a son
Fritz: A Kraut that Johnny slaughters. Though many are called Fritz.
Pacho: Pedro's brother who dies in Johnny's arms.
Goro: Japanese sergeant who Johnny kills. Pedro comments to him that he is hated and deserved it for the atrocities in the jungle.
Title: The Dragon and the Paladin
Genre: Fantasy Rom Com and Adventure.
Warning: NSFW
Word count: 27 pages, 1 to 2 k per chapter
Summary:
The team is recruited by a shady king to save a princess. The botched mission created lovers out of the dragon and Paladin while the team leaves to get paid. The lover's trist will create heart ache, revelations, and a war as the two fight with the team to save a river city from conquest.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1tzuvzs7GH3Ji23okNJOGR4or9tY1Jna5SeMBW0VIMBc/edit?usp=drivesdk
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Feedback and discussion are welcome.
