#Blood for a Black Blade

1 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

pallid dock
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So looking through it. To get a few things out of the way:

“Nulmor,” the stocky man glanced at the hall-master with a grin, “you need to shut the door tighter.
Rats are one thing, but who let this half-blood in?” <-- I know you're avoiding "he said" with all your might, but you got your beats and text tags mixed here, so do not use commas.

"“Nulmor.” The stocky man glanced at the hall-master with a grin. “You need to shut the door tighter.
Rats are one thing, but who let this half-blood in?” <- like so.

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other thing is just using indenting. Maybe you'll do it later, but it makes things easier on the eyes.

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While I think you're trying a bit hard with the prose, it's alright, but the thing that usually gets me with these kind of introductions is that I don't get a name. Unless the plot is such that the stranger does not actually have a name, it's still one of those things that anchors the reader to the character. This works also for physical descriptions if you want to avoid using the name. I like the detail that one of his sword sheathes is empty, this could show up sooner (first couple of paragraphs) as a stand alone detail that anchors the stranger in the reader's mind.

Tbh the entire description is a bit much, but that's one cool detail I think works well and I would 100% keep. Usually a couple of good details like that is enough tbh. So, basically it's a cloaked, pale dude with one missing sword. Perfectly fine.

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specially for a short story, tbh.

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The hall-master stared with tension at the stranger. Their eyes finally met properly. A deep purple hue
looked back at him. The hall-master’s expression soured quickly <- omniscient slip.

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Although! I think the stranger CAN tell that he's being stared at, but I just think it's a bit strange to get that much detail from the way he's being stared at if the guy isn't looking the other dude, well, in the eyes.

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Their eyes finally met properly. <- is just kinda funny, I imagine these two burly men with scars and swords and shit, and the way this line sounds it's like they're about to kiss, but maybe that's me

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it's obviously me, but y'know?

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The stranger grunted, slapped hard on the back. <- I get it, but it's usually just better to have the actions happen in order, or the image is strange. It's like he pre-emptively grunted just before he got slapped, like he was kinda flinching at it lol

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But that's just a nitpick, nothing wrong with switching the formulation around for variety.

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He caught the man’s gaze. <- The stocky man, I presume. Nothing bad with just writing "the stocky man" every time if you don't give him any other name or identifiable characteristic, easier to follow that way.

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I find it annoying that the bartender is the guy who gets a proper name before anyone else lol, he's not nearly as interesting as our stranger guy.

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A crack silenced the hall, shattered wood pattered across the counter with more shards falling out of
the stranger’s hand. The stranger’s drink dripped down the stocky man’s face. He stumbled back and
was held up by a pair of men in the crowd. <- What happened? Did the stranger throw his drink at the stocky man? And..the table? Huh?

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So the stocky man stopped the stranger from drinking, then wood/table shatters for some reason, and then stocky man has stranger's drink on his face??

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The stranger rose to angry shouts. Another man, tall and clean shaven, stepped away from the crowd.
An overhand punch towards the stranger’s head. He ducked the punch. Took the tall man upon his
shoulders. He dropped him on the counter. Delivered his own to the man’s ribs. Two cracked. <- So this tall guy steps towards the center of the crowd (as they're gathered around the stranger and the bartender and Mr stocky), tries to punch stranger, stranger ducks, performs Kata-guruma on the tall man and slams him down on the (already shattered?) counter.

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Oh he then punches him in the ribs an breaks two of them, apparently

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The stranger was taken off his feet from behind. Tackled by the stocky man, thrown onto the
courtyard. <- ? Wait. So, stranger is at the counter with barkeep, he splashes wine on mr stocky's face, judo-slams the tall dude into the counter, and then takes ONE step away from the counter. How the hell did Mr Stocky teleport behind him? where? The counter is still there, Mr stocky has to be BEHIND the stranger when he got the wine splashed on him, so that puts him in front of the stranger when he stands up and heads for the exit

trail merlin
pallid dock
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Perhaps you specified that the cup was wooden earlier and I missed it, but even so it's very ambiguous, there's more things made of wood, and splashing wine on mr stocky's face does not require smashing the cup along with it

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Nevermind that last we saw the cup, it was being held down by Mr stocky

trail merlin
pallid dock
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He tried to raise his cup but calloused fingers pressed it back to the counter.
“Take a hint, corpse.” The stocky man said as he leaned down.
A crack silenced the hall, shattered wood pattered across the counter with more shards falling out of
the stranger’s hand. <- For this to happen, the stranger has to 1) overpower Mr Stocky's grip and strength (which you describe as significant enough to call him a bull later), 2) not only wrestle the cup out of his grasp, but then slam it into mr stocky's face, which is kinda awkward since he must've been standing right over the stranger's shoulder.

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That's why I couldn't infer that action at all. Guy was holding the cup down, how the hell did it get thrown at his face?

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well, it didn't get thrown clearly, there wasn't nearly any distance for that

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But beyond that, it still doesn't clear the spatial confusion from the tackle. Again, Mr Stocky had to have been standing behind the stranger to be able to act on the cup like that, unless he went around to the other side of the counter

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But if he did that, then there's other problems

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namely, he has mr tall guy getting slammed right in his way

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But hey mr stocky maybe just has mastered the art of the teleport, who knows.

trail merlin
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Well I'll see if anyone else has a similar problem, but you might be expecting to read a screenplay. Narrating every slight position shift will slow it to a crawl.

pallid dock
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This is simply an issue of precision, not quantity.

trail merlin
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the level of precision you're speaking to frankly isn't required for the scene.

pallid dock
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You can keep the exact same word count, no problem. But if people are moving around in ways that matter (a fight), then knowing where everyone is standing is kinda important

trail merlin
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So I'll put this as "keep an eye out if anyone else brings this up"

pallid dock
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Adding a "behind" or "in front" to your descriptive prose won't kill you. Maybe sprinkle in a little of "to his side"

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And, in fact!

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this whole problem is because you DID that, but not consistently

The stranger was taken off his feet from behind. <- BEHIND, there. See?

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But since we're giving concrete positions, why not start earlier, for consistency's sake.

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The man’s breath forced from his lungs, sucking air. <- ?? Exhaling? He got tackled by the stranger, how's he sucking air?

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I mean, if you get tackled to the point you get lifted off the ground, inhaling isn't gonna happen.

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So I don't get what you meant there.

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They crashed through the front door of the drinking hall. <- Yes they did. If the tackle was straight out, and the stranger tackled mr stocky back in the opposite direction, that would be where they end up

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But then

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Studded boots dug into the mud as they
tumbled into the filth of the street. <- !?!?!?!?

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Whaaaaat? Where ARE they?

trail merlin
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Cubes just drop it at this point.

pallid dock
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The stranger was taken off his feet from behind. Tackled by the stocky man, thrown onto the
courtyard. He tumbled and picked himself up to his feet, men and women scattering out. His hands
up, facing down the stocky man. Charged by the drunken bull. <- In the courtyard!

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Then they crashed through the front door of the drinking hall

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...and ended up outside

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everyone's teleportin' now

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Unless the filth of the street is inside the drinking hall

trail merlin
pallid dock
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lol no. this is way too entertaining.

trail merlin
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I get it, you want it to be super specific

trail merlin
pallid dock
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so the door of the drinking hall, when slamed into from the courtyard, leads to the streets, rather than, well, the inside of the drinking hall?

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Fascinating.

trail merlin
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You're not being helpful, you're doing a line-by-line CinemaSins style reaction because your reading comprehension is terrible.
Nobody else has had these problems with basic implication except you.

trail merlin
pallid dock
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Doesn't change the fact that what you wrote is what you wrote, and the problems are there.

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But hey, don't change anything. Wouldn't wanna take mr stocky's teleporting powers away. Nobody wants that.

trail merlin
pallid dock
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nah, I'm going to keep going, it's fun.

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I'll share it too, it'll be a laugh.

trail merlin
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Easiest block of my life.