Respawn | The Bastion | Page 1

turbid solstice Jul 11, 2023, 6:15 PM

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Title: Respawn(probably might change)
Genre: Dark, low fantasy, action
Length: Currently 27K characters, will continue growing
Synopsis:
Tim wakes up to find himself in a new world with his friends with parts of his memory gone. The new world is a violent, barbaric world where everyone has multiple lives. But the amount of lives is completely random and unknown. Tim struggles to find value in life.

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https://docs.google.com/document/d/1J-_ShiK5qi-1W2RDpUaRnEjHKaxp0Me0Tt4Gelp4ids/edit?usp=drivesdk

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Also ignore the generic name lmao 💀(its first draft, it'll get better)

turbid solstice Jul 11, 2023, 8:40 PM

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If anyone got close to reading it could you tell me if the first few parts were coolio schoolio or just boring

turbid solstice Jul 14, 2023, 9:34 PM

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😨
First chapter gonna need some editing

rich night Jul 15, 2023, 9:18 PM

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Aight, lets tackle this bitch!

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WOO HOO!

turbid solstice Jul 15, 2023, 9:18 PM

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tackles

turbid solstice Jul 15, 2023, 9:19 PM

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turbid solstice 😨 First chapter gonna need some editing

I edited it and somehow it got worse I think

rich night Jul 15, 2023, 9:51 PM

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Mate, this looks a whole lot longer than 4226 characters, lemmy tell you that.

turbid solstice Jul 15, 2023, 9:51 PM

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fear

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ya

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it is

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I forgot to update it

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its actually 14269

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updated 🫡

rich night Jul 15, 2023, 9:53 PM

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I gotta say, the idea looks pretty good so far. Though it's a bit flabby in some places.

turbid solstice Jul 15, 2023, 9:53 PM

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:0

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where fr

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if youd ont mind

rich night Jul 15, 2023, 9:57 PM

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Well for one:


I looked behind to see my other best friend, Ann. She glanced at the sky as she recounted her memories. She had a confused look plastered on her face. She seemed calm though. As for the presents… I didn’t know that. My dad hadn’t even invited them.

The way An just continues the story straight after waking up, without requiring any clarification or displaying any confusion that Tim does. She just woke up in a strange world without any logical explanation. She's going to be confused and scared, and want some answers.


I looked to see the man from my class, not one of my close friends, with a bolt embedded in his chest. He writhed on the ground and screamed out in pain.

Man from the class? But the important part here is: someone with anything in their chest won't do much writhing, and certainly isn't going to scream. His lungs have been punctured, and the air is being forced out. The best he can manage is a gasp before his brain starts losing oxygen.

turbid solstice Jul 15, 2023, 9:58 PM

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🤔

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ok

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tbf their 17 so idk if that counts as a man, I should probably clarify their ages

rich night Jul 15, 2023, 9:59 PM

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Sir Christopher Lee actually spoke at length about that second point: someone stabbed through a lung won't scream. Apparently, he learned this first hand during WWII.

turbid solstice Jul 15, 2023, 9:59 PM

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Thats actually really sexy

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Ive never been shot in the lungs before so

rich night Jul 15, 2023, 10:00 PM

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This is the easier way to learn.

turbid solstice Jul 15, 2023, 10:11 PM

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fixed probably 🫡

rich night Jul 15, 2023, 10:45 PM

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turbid solstice fixed probably 🫡

Aight. Let's see how it looks now.

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Okay, the Ann part is better. Could still use expanding, but you're headed in the right direction.

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The bolt part is a bigger improvement.

turbid solstice Jul 15, 2023, 10:51 PM

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😳

rich night Jul 15, 2023, 10:51 PM

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"YOU ONLY HAVE TO DIE ONCE IF YOU COME PEACEFULLY"

turbid solstice Jul 15, 2023, 10:51 PM

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Anns jsut chill like that

rich night Jul 15, 2023, 10:51 PM

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kek

turbid solstice Jul 15, 2023, 10:51 PM

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ong

turbid solstice Jul 15, 2023, 10:52 PM

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rich night "YOU ONLY HAVE TO DIE ONCE IF YOU COME PEACEFULLY"

hes not a very good soldier 💀

rich night Jul 15, 2023, 10:52 PM

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"I'LL ONLY KILL YOU A LITTLE!"

turbid solstice Jul 15, 2023, 10:52 PM

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ye ye

rich night Jul 15, 2023, 10:52 PM

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"YOU'LL GET BETTER!"

turbid solstice Jul 15, 2023, 10:52 PM

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this is actually lore. Anyone recruited in that nation gets killed by the leader because he can lifesteal

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the soldier's just really honest

rich night Jul 15, 2023, 10:59 PM

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Heh.

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Giving me Snorri vibes.

turbid solstice Jul 15, 2023, 11:01 PM

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idk who that is but sounds cool

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spoiler: He dies

rich night Jul 15, 2023, 11:02 PM

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turbid solstice idk who that is but sounds cool

I suppose he would be.

In some circles.

turbid solstice Jul 15, 2023, 11:04 PM

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oh is he not cool?

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I guess he's being compared to a guy trying to murder teenagers

rich night Jul 15, 2023, 11:09 PM

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turbid solstice oh is he not cool?

He beats elves to death with an axe.

turbid solstice Jul 15, 2023, 11:10 PM

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thats not too kind

rich night Jul 15, 2023, 11:11 PM

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Yah.

Doesn't even sharpen the damn thing.

turbid solstice Jul 15, 2023, 11:12 PM

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ngl

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I do have a character with an axe

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that kills people alot

rich night Jul 15, 2023, 11:14 PM

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This is Snorri.

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Snorri hits people with an axe.

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Snorri is not a nice person.

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Don't be like Snorri.

turbid solstice Jul 15, 2023, 11:15 PM

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I hate Snorri now

rich night Jul 15, 2023, 11:17 PM

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The 1st person point of narration reminds me of Percy Jackson.

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Which I like.

turbid solstice Jul 15, 2023, 11:18 PM

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ye ye

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I was considering doing 3rd person but uh

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its very inside that characters head

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and it'll be pretty jarring(which I kindof want) when ||bro dies 💀||

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I kindof want it to be darker but IDK how to do that because the situation feels really comical for some reason

rich night Jul 15, 2023, 11:26 PM

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All in all, idea is pretty good.

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Though I have a feel you start off just a tiny bit too fast.

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You might consider padding the introductory act a little bit. After that, just take your time to polish it.

turbid solstice Jul 15, 2023, 11:27 PM

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but I gotta hook the audience or something

rich night Jul 15, 2023, 11:28 PM

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You could try going over on RoyalRoad.

turbid solstice Jul 15, 2023, 11:29 PM

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thats actually uh 💀

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what im refining the prose for 💀

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I submitted it but got scared cause the prose was mid so

rich night Jul 15, 2023, 11:30 PM

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Oh...

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A question, if I may: how long have you been writing?

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Not this in particular: just in general.

turbid solstice Jul 15, 2023, 11:31 PM

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not that long

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I wrote a "book"(it was so terrible) when i was like 10 or something. Then over the course of 6 years I started the writing of like 2 books but never finished em, then I just got into writing this summer

rich night Jul 15, 2023, 11:33 PM

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You still have some ways to go.

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It took me 17 years to get to where I'm now.

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And it's still just middling.

turbid solstice Jul 15, 2023, 11:34 PM

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😨

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thats a long time ngl

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I dont plan on becoming an author full time either

rich night Jul 15, 2023, 11:35 PM

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I do.

turbid solstice Jul 15, 2023, 11:36 PM

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:0

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W

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Go for it

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Anyway so is it readable

rich night Jul 15, 2023, 11:38 PM

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Well, you still need to invest some points into grammar and style, but yeah: for a first draft, it's actually above average.

turbid solstice Jul 15, 2023, 11:44 PM

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I actually edited it like 7 times so I dont think its a first draft

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is it royal roadable fr

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also thx for helping me out on everything

rich night Jul 16, 2023, 12:02 AM

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Mah pleasure.

turbid solstice Jul 16, 2023, 12:05 AM

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Also im glad to see my isekai will not have everyone really scared of it

#Respawn