#END : Tale of Sigi’s curse

1 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

waxen wind
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chapter 0:the beginning of Sitra Achra’s curse

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Genre: Fantasy, horror,sci fi, sexual content, horror, mental illness
Length: 10 pages, and 1266 words
Synopsis:at what price would you try to save your love one

waxen wind
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chapter 1: qliphoth
Genre: Fantasy, horror,sci fi, sexual content, horror, mental illness
Length: 17 pages, and 2377 words
Synopsis:Sigi learn a thing called qliphoth as a way to lift the curse

amber mica
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👍

waxen wind
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What do you think

amber mica
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It's okay.

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I couldn't tell difference between Namah and the tree of death.

waxen wind
amber mica
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Okay

waxen wind
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chapter 2: telekinesis
Genre: Fantasy, horror,sci fi, sexual content, horror, mental illness
Length: 28 pages, and 4497 words
Synopsis: Sigi was taught in using telekinesis

waxen wind
amber mica
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Thanks

waxen wind
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what do you think of it

amber mica
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Interesting and violent how the villainess treats the two people,

wraith pendant
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OK, so

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Y'know how they say that the beginning of your book is kind of a big deal? Yeah, well. In this case a page and something of info-dump before we get to an actual character isn't doing it for me

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and then your characters' single lines are broken up by long paragraphs of description

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There's no pacing to this at all

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It's very, very, hard to read

waxen wind
wraith pendant
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"Sigi, with tears in their eyes, said, "I don't want to lose you, Mom."

Lieneke sighed, "Me neither, but I'm running out of time." She coughed out a heavy amount of blood. Sigi grabbed her, and Lieneke thanked them. The two of them sat near a rotten tree. Lieneke sat close to Sigi and asked if Sigi remembered the day she met them.

Sigi said that it was on December 31st, 1302, in a snowy area covering the trees. The stores were closed, and the homeless were dying of frostbite. A younger Lieneke with short hair heard a loud cry. The cry led her to a burned territory with dozens of dead corpses. Among these corpses, there was a baby inside a forcefield. The young Lieneke grabbed the forcefield-trapped baby and rescued it.

"That was a beautiful day," said Sigi, holding their mother's hand.
"

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Like, this

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"I don't wanna lose you" is answered by "me neither" which is weird, but okay, then she's running out of time. But then there's a bunch of description

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and then the character speaks, reacting to description rather than what someone said

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It's WEIRD, if you were standing there, that line would be totally out of nowhere

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"That was a beautiful day" has absolutely no meaning in the context of the dialogue you just had two paragraphs above it

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Let me show you

waxen wind
wraith pendant
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If you were standing there

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this is what you'd see

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Sigi, with tears in their eyes, said, "I don't want to lose you, Mom."
Lieneke sighed, "Me neither, but I'm running out of time."
"That was a beautiful day," said Sigi, holding their mother's hand.

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Notice how the third line is just totally out of nowhere?

waxen wind
wraith pendant
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OK.

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So, first thing: Keep your dialogue close together

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Or you risk this happening

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Second, start with character, not setting. Like, sure, you get one paragraph of setting that I'm willing to go through at the very start. But then you should immediately introduce me to your main character.

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And all the descriptions should be based on that.

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In other words: Who's this person and why should I care?

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focus on getting to those questions ASAP.

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then there's descriptions like this

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"In the same dark forest filled with more skulls and wolves eating dozens of meals, Lieneke coughed up more blood to the point where she couldn't move."

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When what you really need for the effect and tone is just:

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"In the same dark forest, Lieneke coughed up blood, unable to move."

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Often less is more, or it comes off as trying too hard

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Plus "wolves eating dozens of meals" just sounds like they would be very fat wolves, and I'm guessing you're not going for humor.

waxen wind
wraith pendant
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Start with your main character doing something.

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That's usually a good idea.

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You can describe the other stuff later

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But if I don't have a character, I don't care about the other stuff.

waxen wind
wraith pendant
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IF you can write a good character moment as your opening, it helps a lot

waxen wind
wraith pendant
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keep things focused on character, write dialogue close together and let the characters do their thing as characters

waxen wind
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and their appearence

wraith pendant
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Details about their appearence can appear later as part of descriptions of their actions or as dialogue beats

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so it's not like you need to front-load it when you introduce your character.

waxen wind
wraith pendant
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yep

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character description is exactly that. If they're a fantasy race then you get the same amount of space for that as you would for their clothes

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Pick what's absolutely necessary for the reader to know about how they look

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and then pick one characteristic thing we can remember him by

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You really don't need full wardrobe descriptions, unless you're writing in a genre that has those

waxen wind
wraith pendant
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Nope.

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That's telling me, not showing me.

waxen wind
wraith pendant
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for example

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And then as they do other actions, work in the little details of their physical appearence into the actions

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Rather than just telling me "They're this race and look like this"

waxen wind
# wraith pendant And then as they do other actions, work in the little details of their physical ...

like this Around this forest, Sigi held Lieneke dark skinned arm, aiding her to walk in this dark forest. Lieneke gazed at Sigi dulled eyes, asking them what’s wrong.
Sigi looked at Lieneke , saying, “ I couldn’t bare to lose you”
“Sigi, don’t think like this !” Lieneke said with a small smile. Sigi lowered their eye sighed to tears, while holding a triangle shape cross.
“ there has to be another way to cure you from this sickness, mom”, cried Sigi while gripping at their cross.

wraith pendant
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yeah that's better already

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keep it up 👍

waxen wind
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chapter 0: (rewrite) the beginning of Sitra Achra’s curse
Genre: Fantasy, horror,sci fi, sexual content, horror, mental illness
Length: 10 pages, and 1266 words
Synopsis:at what price would you try to save your love one

waxen wind
wraith pendant
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k

waxen wind
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thought ?

wraith pendant
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can't read right now

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busy

waxen wind
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ok

waxen wind
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qliphah 3: psychokinesis

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Genre: Fantasy, horror,sci fi, sexual content, horror, mental illness

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lenght: 34 pages, and 5494 words

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Synopsis: Sigi fought Naamah with Psychokinesis

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@amber mica chapter 3 is out

amber mica
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👍

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I may check tomorrow.

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Origin was cool,

waxen wind
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What origins

amber mica
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Why Sigi has a parasite and understands blood sucking.

waxen wind
waxen wind
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qliphah 4: Materialization
Genre: Fantasy, horror,sci fi, sexual content, horror, mental illness
lenght: 39 pages, and 6519 words
Synopsis: a mysterious man apperead in the begining

waxen wind
amber mica
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Side characters, are they necessary?

amber mica
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I know that Sigi did stuff, so is it like a consequence?

waxen wind
waxen wind
waxen wind
amber mica
waxen wind
amber mica
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Ok.

waxen wind
wraith pendant
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uhhh

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"In the dark forest, Sigi held Lieneke's dark-skinned arm, helping her walk. Lieneke looked into Sigi's dulled eyes, asking what was wrong."

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Uh... did Lieneke's look ask what's wrong? or Lieneke actually said "What's wrong?"

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If it's the latter, just write out the dialogue. Otherwise this reads weird when the other character answers in dialogue

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Like, start your dialogue with...well, dialogue.

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you can keep the action tag as it is

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In the dark forest, Sigi held Lieneke's dark-skinned arm, helping her walk. Lieneke looked into Sigi's dulled eyes. "What's wrong?" he asked.

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or she asked. I'm not sure now

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plz indent, also. Indent your new lines.

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It's still a vast improvement to start with a character moment. I like that.

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"With a racing heartbeat, Lieneke created a magical circle around Sigi's body, calling forth "Sigil: life force transference," causing a large pillar of life force to appear on a planetary scale."

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What does "life force" look like?

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Also how big is planetary scale? Really really big? Use descriptions that are more precise please

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"large pillar," is good. But "life force" means nothing visually to me, so say a green pillar of energy, or describe what it actually looks like. Maybe it sparkles, maybe it's all swirly

waxen wind
wraith pendant
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press tab

waxen wind
wraith pendant
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Yes!

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if you indent every new line in a dialogue and the first sentence in a paragraph, it's much easier to tell when paragraphs start and where new dialogue lines are

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I mean, you don't need to tab to indent, you can use spaces, or auto paragraph indenting, etc

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there's a ton of ways to do it

wraith pendant
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you can set the first line indent on the ruler at the top on google docs

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So you then you just highlight the stuff you want indented and move the little top part of the ruler marker

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it's faster to do this if you have a lot of text already written, since you don't need to do anything else

waxen wind
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chapter 0: (rewrite 2) the beginning of Sitra Achra’s curse
Genre: Fantasy, horror,sci fi, sexual content, horror, mental illness
Length: 10 pages, and 1266 words
Synopsis:at what price would you try to save your love one
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1toOPUxE7CelaQNqcKrAVDx4QIgJCXLLIagktQVBWbDA/edit?usp=sharing

Google Docs
End Cycle Requiem: Tale of Sigi’s curse

End When the trees of life and death first meet each other, their interaction was nothing more than a battle for creating realities. Their fight leads to the start of the Big Bang, and life flourishes. One day, they will return to birth a new world that enlightens everyone while destroying the ol...

waxen wind
wraith pendant
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it's a little too much indent, but you can adjust that later

waxen wind
wraith pendant
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No, I mean

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the indent is too big.

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Otherwise you did it right. It's every first line that has to be indented

waxen wind
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OK

waxen wind
wraith pendant
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if you just used the ruler indent, it's just very easy to remove the indent

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select all text and just change the indent length

waxen wind
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What the point of indent?

wraith pendant
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makes things easier to read

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You can quickly identify paragraphs and dialogues at a glance

waxen wind
wraith pendant
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I don't read past where I would normally drop the book.

waxen wind
waxen wind
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chapter 5: Astrakinesis
Genre: Fantasy, horror,sci fi, sexual content, horror, mental illness
Length: 45 pages, and 7720 words
Synopsis: still haunted by the nighmare of their rape, Sigi was unable to learn astrakinesis

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@amber mica chapter 5 is out

waxen wind
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What do you think about the chapter

amber mica
waxen wind
amber mica
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Ok.

waxen wind
waxen wind
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chapter 6: telepathy
Genre: Fantasy, horror,sci fi, sexual content, horror, mental illness
Length: 56 pages, and 8920 words
Synopsis: Sigi began to be possesses by their own curse which nearly Kill Naamah

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@amber mica chapter 6 is out

waxen wind
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What do you think

amber mica
waxen wind
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@hasty apex what do you think of the explaination of my magic system

hasty apex
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Just give me time man. I did say I would START yesterday night. This might take me 1-2 days. Before I give you any serious answers.

waxen wind
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ok

hasty apex
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I understand you are looking for feedback, but do not expect people to owe you comments. 😉 I will give you some as I am true to my words, but that does not mean those who say they will and don't end up doing it are lying. Most people will express a will or an intention more than a decisive promise.

I have learned that the hard way believe me WooferWut

waxen wind
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really

hasty apex
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(actually, yesterday I was trying to find that section on my phone and couldn't, so I can only see it on my computer)