Chapter 0 : Qliphah 0: Nastasya Nyuta Dasha Katerina Zhenya Sashenka Slava Kiriyushak Sergei Vladimir khudyakovitch
#End
sour cobalt
genre : Fantasy, Sci fi, horror, action, adventure
lenght: 1377 words and 7 page
Synopsis: The twins traveled around the street until they entered a park, and there Sasha met the woman in black.
sour cobalt
@crude geyser what do you think of it ?
sour cobalt
Like what
crude geyser
The two attackers, the parasite, and Sasha going batty
sour cobalt
Oh
sour cobalt
Qliphah 1: Sitra Achra
genre : Fantasy, Sci fi, horror, action, adventure
lenght:2759 words and 13 pages
Synopsis: The three grew more and more friendly, but the twins don't know that Alina could be a danger for both of them.
sour cobalt
The two attackers, the parasite, and Sasha going batty
chapter 1 is out
crude geyser
Medievel right?
sour cobalt
Medieval steampunk
crude geyser
Cool
sour cobalt
What do you think of this chapter 1
crude geyser
Ok.
crude geyser
I check again. I'm not sure.
crude geyser
It seems okay.
sour cobalt
Qliphah 2: Qliphoth
genre : Fantasy, Sci fi, horror, action, adventure
lenght:3908 words and 16 pages
Synopsis: Sasha learned the in and out of the qliphoth
sour cobalt
It seems okay.
chapter 2 is out
sour cobalt
What do you think of the chapter
crude geyser
Interesting.
sour cobalt
In the way I explained the origins of the qliphoth
crude geyser
Very space vampire
sour cobalt
It's more space parasite
crude geyser
That too.
crude geyser
Not complicated, you have it an alien feel.
sour cobalt
Ok
sour cobalt
Qliphah 3: Telekinesis
genre : Fantasy, Sci fi, horror, action, adventure
lenght:5352words and 21 pages
Synopsis: Sasha found it hard to learn about telekinesis.
sour cobalt
Not complicated, you have it an alien feel.
chapter 3 is out
sour cobalt
Not complicated, you have it an alien feel.
what do you think of chapter 3
crude geyser
Ok.
sour cobalt
ok
sour cobalt
I may tomorrow.
Tell me about your criticism ?
sour cobalt
I saw nothing serious.
Serious as what
sour cobalt
I think that it should be somewhere in England or Germany.
It's set on a planet called targath and it's based on slavic countries
crude geyser
Serious as what
Spelling or pacing.
crude geyser
It's set on a planet called targath and it's based on slavic countries
Ok, this sounds cool actually. Sorry.
sour cobalt
Spelling or pacing.
Ok
sour cobalt
Qliphah 4: Telepathy
genre : Fantasy, Sci fi, horror, action, adventure
lenght:6988 words and 26 pages
Synopsis: Sasha realized a painful truth about Sitra Achra, which led them to think about giving up
sour cobalt
Ok, this sounds cool actually. Sorry.
chapter is out
sour cobalt
Ok, this sounds cool actually. Sorry.
what do you think of this chapter
any criticism ?
sour cobalt
also these are the category of qliphoth type : Aberration: The ability to use the laws of physics or bizarre forces. Limitation: The user is limited to the powers their Qliphoth could manipulate. Weakness: Some Qliphoth couldn't be affected or could weaken their abilities.
Invocation: The ability to manipulate life matter, which is a force that any living organism has, along with any elemental power or random power. Limitation: The user is limited to the powers their Qliphoth could manipulate. Weakness: Some Qliphoth couldn't be affected or could weaken their abilities based on areas or time of day.
Necromancy: The ability to use death matter, which is the antimatter of life matter, along with other dark abilities. Limitation: The user is limited to the powers their Qliphoth could manipulate. Weakness: Some Qliphoth couldn't be affected or could weaken their abilities based on areas or time of day.
Abjuration: The ability to block or shield your ally from Qliphoth attacks. Limitation: It can only block physical Qliphoth. Weakness: Non-physical substances could be a problem for these Qliphoth users.
Alteration: The ability to alter the shape of a substance in any shape or form. Limitation: The user is limited to the substances their Qliphoth could manipulate. Weakness: Other substances can weaken them depending on the areas.
Conjuration: The ability to summon weapons or entities. Limitation: They are limited by their concentration state. Weakness: Lack of concentration could weaken or erase the things they summon.
Divination: The ability to observe phenomena beyond our comprehension via odd ways. Limitation: The user is limited to the substances their Qliphoth could manipulate. Weakness: Other substances can weaken them depending on the areas and time of day.
Enchantment: The ability to enchant someone or a weapon. Limitation: The user has to be conscious at all times. Weakness: If the user is knocked out, the enchantment would be erased.
Illusion: The ability to create illusions that affect the five senses of their victims. Limitation: The user is limited by the fact that their victims don't know it's an illusion. Weakness: If the victims know that it's an illusion, the illusion would break.
crude geyser
Interesting.
sour cobalt
Did you like chapter 4
crude geyser
I like it.
sour cobalt
What do you think of it and any criticism ?
crude geyser
Kraken should be a squid or octopus, but I like the mind controll scene.
sour cobalt
Ok
sour cobalt
Qliphah 5: Telepathy
genre : Fantasy, Sci fi, horror, action, adventure
lenght:7926 words and 30 pages
Synopsis: Sasha learned teleportation through fighting Naamah
sour cobalt
Kraken should be a squid or octopus, but I like the mind controll scene.
chapter 5 is out
crude geyser
It's good,
sour cobalt
even if it's short
sour cobalt
Qliphah 6: Extrasensory Perception
genre : Fantasy, Sci fi, horror, action, adventure
lenght:9106words and 34 pages
Synopsis: during the training Naamah started to grew worry about Sasha's mental health
sour cobalt
It's good,
chapter 6 is out
crude geyser
Cool
sour cobalt
what do you think of it
sour cobalt
A lot of conflict
woah, you're a fast reader
crude geyser
I may reread it,
sour cobalt
ok
sour cobalt
I may reread it,
what do you think of this chapter now
crude geyser
Sexually
sour cobalt
The villain is a real sadist.
Sitra Achra enjoyed torturing Sasha as if they were their play toy
crude geyser
Ok
sour cobalt
Qliphah 7: the etheric layer of aura
genre : Fantasy, Sci fi, horror, action, adventure
lenght:10832words and 40 pages
Synopsis: During the fight, the mind-controlled Sasha inadvertently revealed glimpses of Sasha's dark secret.
crude geyser
Future, dream sequence should be defined.
sour cobalt
like how
crude geyser
Like this -, * or ~between awake and dream squences
sour cobalt
Like this -, * or ~between awake and dream squences
I have to use these symbols- ~ for that ?
crude geyser
You can be creative and pick any symbol,
sour cobalt
Qliphah 8: : The emotional layer of aura
genre : Fantasy, Sci fi, horror, action, adventure
lenght:11932words and 43 pages
Synopsis: Nicolai had to fight his own sibling possessed by Sitra Achra
sour cobalt
You can be creative and pick any symbol,
chapter 8 is here
sour cobalt
You can be creative and pick any symbol,
what are your though of it
crude geyser
The monster finally appears.
sour cobalt
The monster finally appears.
yes
sour cobalt
qliphah: 9: the mental layer of aura
genre : Fantasy, Sci fi, horror, action, adventure
lenght:12863words and 47 pages
Synopsis: Can Sasha be able to beat both Naamah and the mind-controlled Nicolai?
sour cobalt
The monster finally appears.
chapter 9 is out and give me your thought after reading it
sour cobalt
qliphah: 10 : the astral bridge layer
genre : Fantasy, Sci fi, horror, action, adventure
lenght: 13984 words and 50pages
Synopsis: Sasha still wonders if they will be able to find those relics.
crude geyser
It's good.
sour cobalt
In what way ?
crude geyser
Chapter title and scenes
sour cobalt
I thought I made the flash-back scene look worst
sour cobalt
Qliphah: 11 : the etheric template of Aura
genre : Fantasy, Sci fi, horror, action, adventure
lenght: 15138 words and 57 pages
Synopsis:Confused by yesterday's kiss, Sasha tried to talk to Naamah about it, but their bodies were possessed by Sitra Achra.
sour cobalt
Chapter title and scenes
chapter 11 is out
crude geyser
Noted
sour cobalt
what are you thought
sour cobalt
They escape
crude geyser
Thanks.
sour cobalt
Qliphah: 12: the celestial body layer of the aura
genre : Fantasy, Sci fi, horror, action, adventure
lenght: 17070 words and 63 pages
Synopsis: It appeared that someone wanted to find Sasha for some kind of sinister plan.
crude geyser
It's bisexual now. Nothing too critical.
sour cobalt
It's bisexual now. Nothing too critical.
what's wrong with that
crude geyser
what's wrong with that
Nothing, I thought that the character would try to be straight, but I'm not against it.
sour cobalt
Ok
sour cobalt
Qliphah: 13: magic
genre : Fantasy, Sci fi, horror, action, adventure
lenght: 18130words and 66 pages
Synopsis: Sasha realized that sealing Sitra Ahra would lead to their death
sour cobalt
Nothing, I thought that the character would try to be straight, but I'm not agai...
chapter 13 is out
tell me about your thought/ criticism after reading it
sour cobalt
Makes it more tension.
like how
crude geyser
She has to die to seal the crazy lesbian or bi.
sour cobalt
She has to die to seal the crazy lesbian or bi.
I thought of the ideas of once Sitra Achra was gone, Sasha would die do to being an entity made by sitra achra
crude geyser
Ah
sour cobalt
Qliphah: 14: nehemoth
genre : Fantasy, Sci fi, horror, action, adventure
lenght: 20485 words and 74 pages
Synopsis: Sasha learned the ins and outs of Nehemoth
crude geyser
It's good. This show jungle mayhem.
sour cobalt
It's good. This show jungle mayhem.
Jungle Mayhem ?
crude geyser
Tiger hunting?
sour cobalt
Tiger hunting?
How was the fight in his chapter?
crude geyser
He's holding ground,
sour cobalt
Yes
eager flint
jesus I'm not reading that enormous block of continous text with no formatting.
Sorry.
Paragraphs were invented for a reason. :D
sour cobalt
jesus I'm not reading that enormous block of continous text with no formatting.
I will format the paragraph
Ok, so instantly I have a question. By Slavokia do you mean Slovakia?
It's more of a fictional country
eager flint
It reads like a typo, you might want to make the name more fictional
Like yuktobania from ace combat, it's obviously Yugoslavia+Albania+???, but the combination makes it sounds like its own thing even if you know the roots.
sour cobalt
Like yuktobania from ace combat, it's obviously Yugoslavia+Albania+???, but the ...
i'll called it Tsaria
eager flint
That's a better name.
"Satria" is cooler tho, dunno. Just felt like moving the T around.
And also cuz "tsar" is an actual thing from the real world, so...
But up to you. 🤷♀️
sour cobalt
That's a better name.
i already format chapter 1,2,3
so now you can read some of these chapter and I will format the rest the sooner i could @eager flint
eager flint
Yeah it's a lot better.
You do still need to properly linebreak for dialogues tho
Dialogues should be separate from your descriptive paragraphs, specially if there's multiple people talking
IF there's one person talking to themselves (or thinking) it's fine to leave it in your descriptive paragraph
Otherwise, linebreak and make a proper dialogue format.
sour cobalt
You do still need to properly linebreak for dialogues tho
i don't know how to linebreak a dialogue
eager flint
Ok I'll show you
Nicolai shuddered behind their back as he spotted an undead person lying down and groaning. Once outside the alley, they stared at the clock striking 9 pm. "If only we had a home before winter," he said with a lowered voice, thinking of the cold temperature in the street. "We'll have a home, little bro!" they said, stroking their younger brother's hair.
that's your original
Nicolai shuddered behind their back as he spotted an undead person lying down and groaning. Once outside the alley, they stared at the clock striking 9 pm.
"If only we had a home before winter," he said with a lowered voice, thinking of the cold temperature in the street.
"We'll have a home, little bro!" they said, stroking their younger brother's hair.
same exact text, but with dialogue formatting.
See? Each new dialogue line is a new person speaking.
Makes it much easier to follow who is saying what.
sour cobalt
i linebreak some of the dialogue
eager flint
Yeah it's better. Just practice the formatting stuff as you write, it'll become second nature the more you do it.
sour cobalt
Overall, I think what you REALLY need most is to work on your English grammar. I get that it isn’t your first language and it isn’t so bad that I can’t understand you (most of the time) but it could definitely use some work. Your grammar is probably just fine in your native language though.
eager flint
Overall, I think what you REALLY need most is to work on your English grammar. I...
I can stomach broken english if it's formatted correctly. Funny enough.
but if it's formatted like a block of concrete AND it's got grammar problems, then it's too much
sour cobalt
Well the issue with the grammar is that if they want it published in the English language, the grammar needs to be fixed
sour cobalt
Well the issue with the grammar is that if they want it published in the English...
i'll use grammarly when I'm done
eager flint
No argument there.
sour cobalt
i'll use grammarly when I'm done
Ok
eager flint
But it's a fixable thing
sour cobalt
But it's a fixable thing
finally fixing the formating issue
eager flint
indent, likebreak. Easy stuff.
sour cobalt
Qliphah: 15: gamaliel
genre : Fantasy, Sci fi, horror, action, adventure
lenght: 24970 words and 111 pages
Synopsis: It was supposed to be a fine training session for both Sasha and Nicolai, but they had to fight against both Vercius and Ghargia
@crude geyser chapter 15 is out
sour cobalt
ok
sour cobalt
what do you think of it
crude geyser
Lot of zombies
crude geyser
Nice
sour cobalt
Thanks
crude geyser
You're welcome.
sour cobalt
Qliphah: 16: samael
genre : Fantasy, Sci fi, horror, action, adventure
lenght: 27460words and 120 pages
Synopsis: Nicolai began to wonder if the virus might have actually erased part of his sibling.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1QX-_ldzhz2f4cLOizeXmczhV3xy43bqqSBed7xleu4w/edit?usp=sharing
sour cobalt
You're welcome.
chapter 16 is out
crude geyser
The two siblings are at each other's throats a lot.
sour cobalt
The two siblings are at each other's throats a lot.
@crude geyser it's mostly due to the effects of Samael
sour cobalt
No, Samael as the Qliphah
crude geyser
Ok.
sour cobalt
"their tiger-roar stomachs" This just looks odd. To me I think it would work better as "Their stomachs roared like a tiger"
"they had not had food for a whole year" How are they alive? They are living right?
sour cobalt
"they had not had food for a whole year" How are they alive? They are living rig...
they're on the verge of starvation
But a year without food? What species are they?
sour cobalt
But a year without food? What species are they?
due to them being qliphoth user, they could live without food for an entire year
Ok
sour cobalt
"their tiger-roar stomachs" This just looks odd. To me I think it would work bet...
I already change it
Yep, that makes it sound better.
are they any form of criticism
Just the grammar is a little off.
But that can be fixed pretty easily.
"Alina cackled at the fact that Sigi slowly died" Isn't Sigi from another book though?
Also in that sentence it would sound better as "Alina cackled at the fact that Sigi was slowly dying"
sour cobalt
"Alina cackled at the fact that Sigi slowly died" Isn't Sigi from another book t...
i'll fixed it
sour cobalt
Also in that sentence it would sound better as "Alina cackled at the fact that S...
already fixed it
is there another grammar mistake you found
I think it would be easier to just put it through grammarly when you are done like you said you would on 06/06/2023
Anyway, I'll be back to continue later. I gtg for a bit.