#End Cycle Requiem: Sitra Achra's host

1 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

wicked crystal
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chapter 8: Astral body layer

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Genre: Fantasy, Sci-Fi, Horror
Wordcount: 7519

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yet another bizarre training for Sigi

wicked crystal
tender jetty
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You jump around in time a lot in the first chapter, it could get confusing pretty quick.

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I'd recommend spreading some of the backstory out, and maybe fleshing out the flashback scenes a little more.

wicked crystal
tender jetty
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Yeah

wicked crystal
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Ok

wicked crystal
tender jetty
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Based on what I've read so far, this feels like it's meant to be a sort of bizarre plot, is that accurate?

wicked crystal
tender jetty
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If you'd like reference for that kind of story, I'd highly recommend Ted Dekker. He's one of the best, in my opinion.

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Specifically: The Circle series and The 49th Mystic are fantastic.

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Assuming you aren't opposed to Christian literature.

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One last note before I go to bed, I'm having a hard time following a lot of what's happening.

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For example, I have no idea what's going on in this paragraph:

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Sigi released a gas in their mouth, slept on the ground while Lieneke gaped at their action, pondering if Sigi had the same aspect as the three cannibals. She lied down on the ground next to her child. Inside her dream, she awakened at the same street, but her kid went missing. She screamed their name, but one creature materialized from her shadow. The creature appearance had similarity to her, it smiled at them, “who the hell are you.”

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I just need more information, you keep mentioning dokkalfar but you haven't actually explained what that means yet.

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there's cannibals and demihumans(I think) these are elements that need explained. The general rule I heard is to explain anything that your audience isn't likely to be familiar with before hand, especially things you've made up.

wicked crystal
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What if I introduced the dokkalfr when the 3 ambushed the two protagonists, and also I introduced the cannibalistic part in chapter 2

wicked crystal
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@tender jetty I explained the cannibalistic part on later part of the chapter

wicked crystal
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Or I'll show you the updated

tender jetty
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I'm about four chapters in now, and I am thoroughly lost. There are a lot of elements being introduced in very rapid succession, and without being explained in much detail. I'd strongly recommend slowing down, and lengthening the introduction substantially to give the reader time to digest some of the information. There are also a lot of spelling/grammar mistakes and I'm having a hard time deciphering them.

wicked crystal
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I'll edited the entire document

tender jetty
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Also, are we doing a review trade?

wicked crystal
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yeah

tender jetty
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Have you looked at my submission yet?

wicked crystal
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yes

tender jetty
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Would you mind giving some feedback?

wicked crystal
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i did

wicked crystal
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End Cycle Requiem: Sitra Achra's host

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I'm going to release one chapter at a time, is that okay for you @tender jetty

tender jetty
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Have you watched Shad's videos about creative writing?

wicked crystal
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no

tender jetty
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I'd recommend checking them out, he has them in a playlist on his channel. Maybe start with How to write a NOVEL, and his two reviewing subscribers writing samples videos. Also consider the channel Terrible Writing Advice, contrary to the name he has some excellent advice.

wicked crystal
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Chapter 1: Sigi

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genre: Fantasy, Sci-Fi, Horror

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Word count: 627

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Sigi is feeling unhappy with their intersex body

wicked crystal
wicked crystal
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Chapter 2: Sitra Achra

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Genre Fantasy, Sci-Fi, Horror

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Word count: 1963

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Lieneke started to feel more hungry to eat their own child

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Chapter 3: Qliphoth

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Genre: Fantasy, Sci- Fi, Horror

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Word count: 3281. It's time to explain the unworldliness force that led Lieneke into trying to eat Sigi.

wicked crystal
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Chapter 4: Astral

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genre : Fantasy, Sci-fi, Horror

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word count: 4081

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Sigi was taught on how to use astral as one of the part of the conscious qliphoth

wicked crystal
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Chapter 5: Etheric layer

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genre: Fantasy, Sci-fi, Horror

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word count : 5220

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During their training on how to utilise the etheric layer of the aura. Cops came in to arrest them.

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Chapter 6: Emotional layer

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genre fantasy, Sci-fi, horror

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word count: 6289

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on their way to the jungle, Naamah was possessed by a being knows as the Tree of Qliphoth

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Chapter 7: Mental layer

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genre fantasy, Sci-fi, horror

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word count:7467. Sitra Achra creates chaos while possessing Sigi's body

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chapter 8: Astral body layer

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genre fantasy, Sci-fi, horror

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word count:8007

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Naamah teaches them the final layer of Aura for now

trim crest
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@wicked crystal You need to put content warnings on your chapters. We may be a little more lax about server rules when it comes to writing submissions, but you still need to identify sexual or disturbing content in the descriptions.

wicked crystal
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Oh shit

wintry smelt
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Mate, I think you´d be better of producing in other mediums

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You´d probably find a larger audience in certain art websites

lime heart
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I agree. Reading the first few lines of Chapter 1 was a tad bit odd innit bruv

wintry smelt
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You are writing a type of content that has a very limited appeal

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In a more blunt way

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Go make stuff for NHentai, not mainstream novels

torn prawn
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@wicked crystal , your work gives me a lot of the same feelings that the gameplay Scorn does. One thing I'd advise based on the first chapters is to slow down and add some more prose. Horror ime requires quite a bit of build up, it's not like black pepper or Wasabi, a very quick and done type affair. Even very fast paced more actioney horror just makes you feel like it's extremely fast paced.

I felt like Chapter 1 could've been probably double it's length and it would've came out "right" to me at least. When you move quickly in horror it becomes very jarring esque if you're are introducing very different things and/or shocking scenes back to back. You're usually better served by slowing down and taking it a bit slower, describing things/feelings more, etc.

Are you an avid horror reader currently? If not, I'd recommend looking into stuff like Lovecraft's at the mountains of madness, I have no mouth and must scream and trying to sorta copy their pacing for a bit. It feels like a wooden rollercoaster ride that's very jarring in a "take me out of the story" type of way.

Also, you'd be helped quite a bit by dropping your work into something like the Free prowritingaid when you get a chance. You'll have to copy paste it into it I believe 500 words at a time but it's not a bad program ime. I like it a bit better than stuff like grammarly; it'll help catch the occasional misconjugated verb and stuffs.

wicked crystal
wicked crystal
wicked crystal