#a terrible story by me.

1 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

hardy imp
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So I want some feedback on this particular project of mine as I am writing a horror story I don’t know how long will this be as this project is new but anyways here you go
(WARNING GORE AND TERRIBLE DESCRIPTIONS)

Wet and Slippery

Countless slippery meaty tentacles with a reddish hue wiggled in the abyssal darkness as an ever-changing shapeless mass of meaty sticky liquid that covered everything with small holes that released a black fume painting the space around it with an abyssal darkness. Everything in it started melting and joining the rest crumbling to form a sort of a fortress around the being creating a kind of a cocoon. From afar in a the middle of the never ending darkness a cocoon laid rest beating like an organ of a mortal being but creating a gruesome silent humming that pledged death to every creation.

In another space and time a young human male finally awakened from his death like sleep covered in a grey like sticky sweat , since a kid he was never normal every time he slept his heart would stop dead then he would awaken to a grey sweat covering his body and that wasn’t anything compared to his greatest secret.

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As the sun dawned upon the gloomy sky, the city beneath it suddenly went silent every living person got holed inside their houses while the dead were left in their door as always. The terrible smell of rotten corpses filled every corner of the city, while their liquids permeated the soil nourishing the grass and trees giving them a red hue, everything was madness except ignorance.

It was told when the sun will turn the gods will descent in this world, toying with humanity and unleashing their grudges against each other not caring about anything in existence except themselves.
And that day was closer than anyone thought, there was no sunlight the next day only darkness accompanied by horrible screams that vibrated through every living being alarming everyone that
Gods have descended.

Theodore was just a normal human or as he called himself a normal Theodore did he truly was normal not minding the bloody rain that fell or the ears in the walls that always seem to spy on him or even the disgusting food he ate that looked like a rotten mushed meat and tasted the same
He truly didn’t care…

dawn socket
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that's a lot of adjectives and adverbs you got there

hardy imp
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…

dawn socket
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you wanted feedback, no?

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my feedback is push the break on those adjectives and adverbs

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like “young human male”, that’s three adjectives where you could just say “boy”

hardy imp
hardy imp
feral saffron
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Agreed.

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The amount of descriptors is, well,

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quite interesting.

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As far as I can see, it complicates things quite a bit.

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Is that what you were going for?

hardy imp
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Yes

feral saffron
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Aha, very nice then.

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If the narrator is itself a character, that makes for

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some very nice possibilities in terms of storytelling.

dawn socket
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eh, i don’t entirely agree

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it’s clunky beyond what a flawed narrator would warrant

feral saffron
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Theoretically any flawed style could be explained and well-contextualized,

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so as to be consistent.

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I wonder if in this particular case

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it would require an inordinate amount of explanation.

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To simply warrant the style,

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and have the reader buy into it.

dawn socket
feral saffron
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Seems to be on a subjective side, more or less.

hardy imp
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The narrative is non linear

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I still haven’t wrote the whole thing but it will get explained later

hardy imp
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I don’t know how to explain it tho

feral saffron
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Something I'd like to note is that, while deliberate stylistic flaws are a thing,

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they're very much that, deliberate.

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Not in any meta sense, you can definitely stumble into something

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that will feel deliberate while not being that way.

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But the idea is prioritizing substance over style,

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or at least equalizing the two.

hardy imp
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Yes I am trying that

feral saffron
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Neat!

dawn socket
hardy imp
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It’s to give the reader the feeling of uncertainty and horror

feral saffron
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People like uncertainty and horror in their fiction.

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Enjoyment is something that most certainly can be derived from it.

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I'm not sure depriving your piece of that,

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as innovative as it may or may not be,