##OCC25 behold, my child

1 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

sharp dewBOT
hybrid peak
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@narrow mountain

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@tame jungle

tame jungle
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tis the time to READDD

hybrid peak
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It’s not as longs as ur s lol

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it’s very

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Short I think

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Not that descriptive

tame jungle
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i have read it!! i’ll put my comments n stuff after i make this presentation for one of my courses

hybrid peak
hybrid peak
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hi almon

tame jungle
# hybrid peak thank u

i think your character is very interesting! lilico not really having much education/social interaction/etc while going to UA is something that can be built into a wonderful story
despite her background being a large part in the doc i would add some other sections like
-has she ever interacted with a member of class 1-a regularly during her time at UA , might be lunchtime or etc
-give an example of a final she had to do during journalism and how she approached it (mha character cameos..?)

also even though lilico has an underdeveloped quirk, she should go through some quirk training from a separate individual perhaps outside of UA (so you can add what other things her quirk can do aside from its general desc)

i would also include more fun facts regarding her quirk/other hobbies

theres a lot more to potentially cover but i think hash has got it from here!

hybrid peak
# tame jungle i think your character is very interesting! lilico not really having much educat...

In trivia I talk about how she’s met them once. She doesn’t really venture outside of her class due to the fact she’s introverted and not that vocal about anything in general. I was gonna add a UA section with the journalism course and special classes and the students and stuff but decided against it. Might add it back since you’re saying stuff like this.

Lilico on her own doesn’t have any reason to develop her quirk. Unless someone at UA convinced her to (like a hero course teacher or Nezu) and gave her the resources to do so (she’s broke) there really isn’t much she could do. Plus to her, her quirk is something that just makes her feel weird and she doesn’t even know how to control it properly.

I was wondering about it giving her another hobby like drawing, but seeing how she only came by the camera by chance and didn’t get much at the orphanage there isn’t place for her to grow. Could definitely add something after UA that she picked up from her classmates though!

narrow mountain
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-i feel like hideaki being a part of endeavors agency is a little weird considering endeavors current sidekicks and the lack of resemblance he has to them, maybe jeanists agency would be a better place for him?
-few spelling/grammar mistakes that you could probably fix with like grammarly or something
-for the journalism course you added is there multiple years of it or is it just a first year course?
-i feel like the fun fact about nezu is a little out of character considering he was experimented on to now be the way he is
-do you plan on "(in a scenario where your oc exists past this doc) having her get some sort of cover or something for the missing skin she has? some sort of support item like aoyamas belt maybe?
-im confused on how the "colorful man" found her nor do i know who this colorful man is reffering to, the blond man is all might but im lost on colorful man. Also i feel the fact that the students were initially the ones to talk to her after the exam didnt go on to have significance outside of the fact they talked to her despite the connection they had to the "camera course"
-finally i feel like the narrator describes lilico too disparagingly

overall i find the character very interesting but the character page focuses too much on the negative aspects of the character rather than how she overcomes those negative aspects in other ways (being her personality, ability, or skill.)

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ill also add i do like the amount of detail given when describing your oc

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it paints a very vivid picture of who she is

hybrid peak
# narrow mountain -i feel like hideaki being a part of endeavors agency is a little weird consider...
  1. I added him into endeavor just because of the “bad dad” mentality. Idk both of them suck as fathers lol. I’ll change him to something else, maybe a vigilantes reference….
  2. I made half of this on my computer that doesn’t have auto correct and didn’t read over, so I’ll spell check later. Thanks though
  3. I added it as a first year course only (currently) since it’s the first year they’re implementing it. Kinda like a experiment to see if it goes well.
  4. I could always change near to someone else, but for her to get into UA in the first place with e points in total some teacher has to pity her or feel interesting in her story to get her in.
  5. In the backstory I talk about how the orphanage gave her a metal cover for her skin. If they didn’t they’d probably be shut down because of child endangerment, can’t leave her muscle out and about it could harm her more than normal.
  6. Coloful man is mean to be one of the teachers. It’s in her perpesctiv,e and since she doesn’t know any heroes to her they’re very brightly colored and all wacky.
  7. No one actually talked to her, she just overheard people speaking and looked at pictures which she could identify (or words she could piece together). Idk what this is referencing to though
  8. Idk what disparalying is.
hybrid peak
hybrid peak
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The negativity is one of the main reason I made this OC tbh, I liked the idea of a poor child with nothing in her life and a deformity.

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I like sad stories

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But has to be mha related so UA

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lol

narrow mountain
hybrid peak
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Would clarify the colorful man as blonde help? I think I would point into the Allmighr/Prez mic direction

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more só president mic bc all might is lanky in his normal form

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And kinda spooky

narrow mountain
# hybrid peak The negativity is one of the main reason I made this OC tbh, I liked the idea of...

i feel like its hard to make a primarily sad story in the environment UA is shown to be, not saying your story has to be all "sunshine and rainbows" but the way she gets to UA is often referred to as a pity thing throughout the entire backstory instead of her making it there on another metric, she is listed as smart but we never see that in how she is presented. To highlight her positives you could change some of the dialogue to story less what presents her as this "deformed, hideous" child and put more emphasis on her thinking that based on the harsh words others say

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its hard to explain but it feels like you are calling her "deformed and hideous" more so than that being how many see her

hybrid peak
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hmm ok

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So more like she got a 19 on the test despight not knowing most of it? And they saw her prominence through messy handwriting and accepted her?

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19/20

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idk what grading they used

narrow mountain
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yeah i think that highlights her ability more

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it doesnt even have to be a 19/20 just a score thats unlikely of someone whos only learning was through the harsh walls of an orphanage

hybrid peak
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Maybe I’ll also move her from Osaka to Shizuoka pref (like where Deku & Bkg lives) so that it’ll be easier for her to get to UA

hybrid peak
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lemme write it down on docs and then transfer

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Thank u hash

hybrid peak
narrow mountain
hybrid peak
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updated

narrow mountain
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reading now!

hybrid peak
tame jungle
hybrid peak
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Almon is still baby

narrow mountain
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okay fully read it, and i have to say its a huge improvement even with just the minor changes

hybrid peak
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Almon doesn’t nose

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I made her have a little contro of her quirk bc I imagine she wouldn’t be able to play with the orphanage toys

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So she would play with the “wind” which is her quirk

narrow mountain
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there are some awkward spots that looks like you just removed words instead of changing them but im sure you are aware and gonna fix later

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i like it tho

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oh yeah @hybrid peak is she registered?

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like in the quirk registry?

hybrid peak
hybrid peak
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oh no(se)

narrow mountain
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i’ll highlight them when i get out of class

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i just noticed them while reading

hybrid peak
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Orphanage is required to do that. But it says she’s quirkless so

narrow mountain
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ah okay

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very interesting

hybrid peak
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@narrow mountain @tame jungle if you both r interested in it………….

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You can find it by clicking “Journalism course” or scrolling to the bottom of the page

narrow mountain
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oh wow

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i like it flowerld!

hybrid peak
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Im cool like that

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I need help actually I spent more time on the journalism course than I spent on my school project