wondrous_wonderer

[tawdry aurora]

Please be patient

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[pure dew]

probably because recontrer is transitive like you meet someone but you don't talk someone, you talk to someone

[wispy quest]

Yup the se can either be a COD (direct object pronoun) or a COI (indirect object pronoun) and there's no agreement when it's a COI

you just kind of have to know that parler takes an indirect object

https://laits.utexas.edu/tex/gr/tap4.html

[flint cloak]

Very good question.
Many native French do this mistake 😄
(included me)

Most pronominal verbs agree with the subject when conjugated with the auxiliary ‘to be’.

However - and here's the rub - sometimes the pronominal verb is not conjugated with its subject but with its complement. It is therefore important to identify the place of the COD or COI in the sentence.

If the COD precedes the verb, then the past participle is in agreement.
Example: "Ils se sont rincés"

The reflexive pronoun ‘se’ plays the role of direct object complement. On the other hand, if we write:
"ils se sont rincé les mains" (they rinsed what? their hands)

The COD comes after the verb, so there is no agreement.

Similarly, the past participle of a pronominal verb will always remain invariable when its reflexive pronoun is a COI.
Example: ‘se succéder’. In this verb group, ‘se’ is an indirect object complement. If you replace someone, you succeed someone, you succeed them.’

You should therefore write:
‘Les différents stagiaires qui se sont succédé’ and not
‘les différents stagiaires qui se sont succédés’.

[wispy quest]

Tbh I've learned the rules for pronominal passé composé like 5 times at this point and forgotten them every time

[limpid tundra]

Well it's more that pronominal verbs never "agree" with the subject, it just so happens that in those cases the direct object is the same as the subject
Pronominal verbs have the exact same rules of agreement as avoir verbs : COD before verb? Agreement. No COD before verb? No agreement

[fading wren]

I like the example Elle s'est lavé les mains, too, as it's just another thing to remember. The direct object is les mains, not se (s'). There are also times when there isn't agreement if an infinitive follows directly after, but I can't remember the example, or I'm misremembering. I'll have to look for where I saw it.

But for your examples, as the others already stated:

• rencontrer quelqu'un → Ils se sont rencontrés. → se = COD (agreement if COD comes before verb)
• parler à quelqu'un → Ils se sont parlé. → se = COI (no COD before verb)

[velvet olive]

There's at least two structures with a preonominal verb followed by an infinitive:

• Se faire + infinitive
  The past participle fait remains invariable in all cases.
• Se laisser + infinitive
  Now this is getting tricky, the agreement of the past participle laissé depends on if the subject is also the subject of the infinitive verb, in which case there is an agreement, or the object thereof, in which case there is no agreement. That being said, the 1990 reforms state that the past participle is invariable in all cases the same way we dont agree the past participle of faire above.

[raw sail]

Thank you to all! I understand now that it's COI vs COD, this was so much clearer than my textbook 😅. All your insights are very appreciated!! French is so confusing for no reason 🫠

[raw sail]

Question about this though: what would examples of both cases be like? Because in youtube videos for example, I always see « Il s'est fait lavé » — should « lavé » there be in the infinitive?

Same thing with se laisser ?

[tough granite]

Regarding « il s'est fait lavé », yes that should be in the infinitive but do note that for first group (-er) verbs, the past participle and infinitive sound the same so French natives tend to mix them up. An example from the other way around would be: « Je lui ai déjà parler ». You can think of it as English speakers messing up 'there/their/they're': 'their already inside'.

It's the same thing with « se laisser ». As a general principle, you only conjugate once per clause so if you already have a conjugated verb, you leave the rest in the infinitive.
« Je veux sortir »
Here, we have two verbs: vouloir and sortir. « vouloir » is the closest to the subject so it gets conjugated. Since we already have a conjugated verb, we don't need to conjugate « sortir ». If you're an English speaker, this becomes a lot clearer in the third person:
Would you say, 'He wants drinks a cup of coffee' or 'He wants to drink a cup of coffee'?