#mars

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heady bluffBOT
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bright iris
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post ur poem directly

rustic sky
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Le corbeau

Sous la lune,
En plein vol nocturne,
Un corbeau s'était dit :
« Monter trop haut est interdit. »

Mais la raison s'estompe
Quand le cœur te trompe.
Tes belles étoiles, mon ciel
Sont douces comme le miel

Et quand je m'élèverai,
Là-haut, j'espère que je trouverai...
Ton visage d'un ange radiant,
Le sourire d'un enfant.

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I spent a lot of time looking through websites for rhymes and synonyms, so I ended up using some words I wouldn't normally use. I want to be sure it makes sense.

bright iris
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it makes sense

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maybe use "voler trop haut" instead of "monter trop haut" since its a bird ?

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meaning : fly too high

rustic sky
bright iris
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i see

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"aller trop haut" isnt good either ChatQuoi

rustic sky
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If you don't see anything else then I'll go through it once more to make sure it doesn't have spelling mistakes before I turn it into a calligramme. najamooh

rustic sky
bright iris
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no i dont see big mistakes

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right away i can picture the feeling

rustic sky
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That's great

bright iris
rustic sky
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Yay I didn't spend 5 hours for nothing

bright iris
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if you want more improvement you might need someone who like to write poem lol

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not some random native speaker xD

rustic sky
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There's always something to work on

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Anyhow, thanks a lot

bright iris
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the other thing that bugs me a bit, after re-reading it, is the subject of the poem. the first half it feels like you are an omniscient narrator describing the scene, the second half it's you speaking directly to soemone ; the shift bothers me a bit but i dont think it's like a linguisitic mistake, might just be my personal taste

rustic sky
bright iris
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you can be personal while impersonating the bird

rustic sky
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(the assignment is for a love poem, but I really felt like deviating a little)

bright iris
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or you can choose to "watch the bird" while expressing your feelings

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if it makes sense

rustic sky
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I guess, initially it was all in first person

''En plein vol nocturne/Je m'ai dit''

bright iris
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like watching the bird unable to fly higher like like you unable to reach your crush's hurt

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... or something like this lol

rustic sky
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no but I agree

bright iris
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or like the bird is flying mindlessly, and watching people falling in love and being salty/angsty/emo about it

rustic sky
rustic sky
bright iris
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j'ai pris mes 3 neurones et j'ai pondu ça :

sous cette nuit étoilée,
je vois le corbeau s'envoler
et se rapprocher de la lune
mais jamais il n'en fera sa fortune

ChatQuoi

je sais pas si ça peut t'aider

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idk how to continue it tho

rustic sky
bright iris
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ye

rustic sky
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I could go for making it fully personal, and try to include something that just makes it more obvious that I am talking from the perspective of the crow (like 'en déployant mes ailes'?)

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The thing is that if I go the other route and make it fully impersonal, just like in the first part, then 'mon ciel' turns into 'le/son ciel', and it just loses the effect, and the last part won't feel the same

bright iris
# bright iris j'ai pris mes 3 neurones et j'ai pondu ça : sous cette nuit étoilée, je vois ...

sous cette nuit étoilée,
je vois le corbeau s'envoler
et se rapprocher de la lune
mais jamais il n'en fera sa fortune

pourtant il défit le vent
guidé par un rêve brûlant

ce corbeau me ressemble
dans l'ombre, mon âme tremble
comme lui, je poursuis l'éclat
un doux mirage, me voilà.

mon coeur me trompe
ma raison s'estompe

??????

Ton visage d'un ange radiant,
Le sourire d'un enfant.

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this is what i imagined

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with your idea

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but

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i can't come up with anything rn

rustic sky
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Oh wow thanks for the help but you didn't have to write it

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I'm fine with tinkering with mine

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I'll send the first part once I get the rhyme to work

bright iris
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naaah your poem inspired me and it's been a decade since i tried to write anything creative lol so wanted to give a try too

rustic sky
bright iris
rustic sky
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Writing a poem is hard enough (finding the words), try it in a foreign language

bright iris
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i really like the imagery of : night + birdie + love

bright iris
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i would never try to write anything like that in english lol

rustic sky
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I didn't end up using it because it would have turned the poem's theme too much towards rejection

bright iris
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oh i see !

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it's icare's myth yeah

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its during the day

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idk if it would help you

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but in chinese culture, the moon symbolise the reunion, so it could help you writing a love poem but not a sad one ?

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or at least not a rejection one lol

rustic sky
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But at this point I really want to wrap up so that I can also do the calligramme part (I really want to make it look cool)

bright iris
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maybe turn it into like the bird flyng closer to the moon, like you want to get closer to your loved one ? (the love here isnt necessarly romantic, it could be your family)

bright iris
rustic sky
bright iris
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np then

rustic sky
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Sous la lune,
En plein vol nocturne,
Je me suis souvenu
«Voler trop haut, c'est tabou.»

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....

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Sous la lune,
En plein vol nocturne,
Je me suis dit:
« Monter trop haut est interdit. »

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.....

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If I just changed the person of the action to 'je', the third verse becomes very short, so I came up with the first version.

rustic sky
bright iris
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ye

rustic sky
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I also have a 2 verse version

En plein vol je me suis dit
« Voler trop haut est interdit. »

But this one loses the image of the moon and of the night (la lune/nocturne)

bright iris
rustic sky
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ah yeah

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c'est ''se dire'' ici

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I've spent too much time on this I am starting to dissociate /j

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But I guess that does make it a little longer

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so now I have to chose

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the rhyme dit-interdit is strong but souvenu-tabou is also cool

bright iris
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sous la lune
en plein vol nocturne
je me suis dit
"prendre trop d'altitude est interdit"

ChatQuoi it sounds ugly

rustic sky
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flying too high is absolutely taboo in bird culture

bright iris
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i prefer "dit/interdit"

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but i can't come up with another way of "flying too high"

rustic sky
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Well, if it's techincal and used within the right context

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You could absolutely include "continental drift" in a poem if it was used metaphorically, as an example

rustic sky
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yeah monter was my best attempt

bright iris
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sous la lune
en plein vol nocturne
je me suis dit
"prendre trop de hauteur est interdit"

rustic sky
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too long

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I didn't count the syllables of the poem's verses but they are all somewhat similar

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what about planer trop haut?

bright iris
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it could work

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but it feels passive

rustic sky
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Yeah, im going for "soaring up high is forbidden"

bright iris
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then yes

rustic sky
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I think you misunderstood me, I mean that, yeah, it's too passive to mean the same thing as "to soar upwards"

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Could I stick with monter?

bright iris
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no

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i would rather you use "voler"

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instead of monter

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bc i can only thing of someone with legs monter to somwhere

rustic sky
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Alright, I can stick with that

bright iris
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a bird doesnt monter it voler 😆

rustic sky
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I thought of "en plein élan nocturne" instead of "en plein vol nocturne"

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but ill need you to filer that idea for me

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although plein vol is more, normal

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Alright I'll just use voler twice

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it doesnt have to be perfect

bright iris
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oh

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OH

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it could work yeah

rustic sky
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damn i was smart>?

bright iris
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yes you are smart

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yeah

rustic sky
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Alright let me put it together and resend it

bright iris
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YEAH it could work

rustic sky
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Sous la lune,
En plein élan nocturne,
Je me suis dit :
« Voler trop haut est interdit. »

Mais la raison s'estompe
Quand le cœur te trompe.
Tes belles étoiles, mon ciel
Sont douces comme le miel

Et quand je m'élèverai,
Là-haut, j'espère que je trouverai...
Ton visage d'un ange radiant,
Le sourire d'un enfant.

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////

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Only thing that stands out for me is 'je me suis dit'

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wait oops

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i forgot to replace monter kek

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I could straight up force 'le corbeau' into it

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Sous la lune,
En plein élan nocturne,
Moi, le corbeau, je me suis dit :
« Voler trop haut est interdit. »

bright iris
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It works !!

rustic sky
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Finally yay

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I'll start me crow drawing and fit it in

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Thank you very much

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If it turns out good right away I might sent it here

bright iris
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❤️

rustic sky
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I couldn't make it fit, so I got creative