A bunch of this has already been mentioned both inside team and out, but it's good to hear feedback from an actual direct experience of a new player. The bhop learn section was already being remade with some of these problems in mind, though some things you mention such as a playground is already a part of it at the bottom, though you bring a good point that we should let the players feel out the controls for themself before throwing them into a learning enviroment, so a slight rehaul of the playground section with a flat area beginning could be good and placed at the top of the list.
Difficulty curves will always be a thing, though the idea is to always allow players to skip around to any part, so they never will be locked from progress, other than a simple check for beginner stuff into advanced. However the current implimentation does offer some problems with difficulty that I'm addressing.
Text is an issue in general, I don't need a title for each level like that, and I'd rather use images to deacribe the level where it's generally more universally understood, like Portal in that way. With on-screen text, there isn't much control right now where it's placed on the screen and that should be changed, probably have own UI stuff for practice.
Some other stuff you mentioned gives good ideas though your specific idea of implementation isn't great, but gives good example of what seems good. For example the idea to create a section for getting the pattern down is good but having it automaticly jump would be confusing for players and create bad habbit, instead I could create a section for just practicing jumping and releasing W before anything bhop related comes up in the linier order of things, then expand on that with the next level having to strafe to the left or right after the jump, and only then letting them attempt strafing in a bhop.
So overall, good ideas though the full idea of it wouldnt be implemented but certainly used to some degree, good feedback.