What are your thoughts on these thumbnails and this video script?

[finite sand]

So, the idea is that this video will be somewhat of a story time "animation" meets mildly educational video. Specifically, it's about the time I visited Kruger National Park in South Africa and saw all of Africa's Big Five animals (lion, leopard, rhino, buffalo, and elephant) in under 24 hours. I would like to know if, provided the visuals are engaging enough, would this script keep your attention? Additionally, what are your thoughts on the two thumbnail options? The working title for this video is "The STRUGGLE to See All of Africa’s Big 5 in 1 Day." Anyway, thank you so much for your thoughts!

[brazen shale]

Nice feedback post! Please keep in mind that all feedback is provided out of the good will of the community, so it may take some time for you to get a response.

Please avoid reposting or begging members in other channels to check out this thread.

If you receieve no feedback at all, consider that as feedback in a sense.

[finite sand]

*Due note, after re-reading the script aloud, I realized a handful of the sentences were worded rather inconveniently. Therefore, I will re-write a few things, but I'd still be curious to hear your thoughts.

[upper dust]

"If you don’t know what I mean by “Africa’s Big
Five,” well, then why on God’s increasingly brown Earth did you click on a video with that in
the title?"

Probably don't passively insult the viewer right off the gate (or maybe a bit gatekeep-y may be the vibe). It makes me think "fine, since I don't know what this is, maybe I click out."

[upper dust]

Overall it's pretty solid. There are some snarky remarks like the opening in the first page, but then that snark goes away for the next pages. It creates a bit of a tone issue SPECIALLY if it's front loaded and sets the intention that the rest of the video will match. Rather than doing the rest, I'd say "mellow" the snark a bit on the first page. Like the tourist part, rather than calling them stupid say something that sends that message and still matches the tone of the rest of the video, which is more playful. These snarky parts makes come like you are "hater" rather than someone genuinly annoyed.

Just a few more things. Maybe add to the hook (first paragraph) that you have a very limited amount of time to accomplish your goal. I have no idea how long the tours last...2 days? 6 days? Without a reference there is no tension that you will make it. It's in the title, but also put in in the paragraph to BUILD that tension.

A minor thing is that you talk about several other animals in a video about the big 5. I'd say you can make a super quick note in the first paragraph too about "bonus" animals that were interesting, again, to set the tone.

The rest is great. Loved the elephant parts and the leopards.

second thumb is by far better. It makes "eye contact" with the viewer, which the brain is MUCH quicker to catch. The V is an excellent style choice, but maybe make it 15% bigger so the 2 in that V shape are more visible. it may cut into the other two, but those also feel a big disproportionate. It's good looking overall though.

[finite sand]

Thank you very much for your very in-depth feedback, @upper dust! I genuinely appreciate it! Not only that, but I also agree with pretty much all of your points, so I'll definitely see how I can implement them. Thanks again!

[upper dust]

Thank you for surviving my myriad of spelling mistakes. I tend to type real fast and discord doesn't give me the squiggly lines showing me I am writing nonsense.

[finite sand]

You’re absolutely all good. Once again, your advice is a really big help!

[finite sand]

What are your thoughts on this revised intro and thumbnail? Is this more what you had in mind?

In July 2023, I entered South Africa’s Kruger National Park with a single goal in mind: I was going to see all of Africa’s Big Five in a 24-hour period if it was the last thing I do. For reference, “Africa’s Big Five” isn’t an international version of the Big 5 Sporting Goods store from the US. The term instead refers to what big-game hunters consider to be the continent’s five hardest species to hunt on foot, i.e., the lion, leopard, black rhinoceros, African bush elephant, and African buffalo. That said, I, along with my good friend, who we’ll call “Amy,” several other college students, and our incredible guide, were no big-game hunters in need of something to compensate for our fragile egos, but rather we merely hoped to witness these amazing creatures in their natural habitat. So, what was the issue? Well, we only had about 1 day’s time to be in the national park, meaning we knew it would be quite the challenge. Would we succeed? Hell if I knew, but we were certainly about to find out.

(Oh, I forgot to hint at the other species. Haha)

[upper dust]

I like it a lot more. You changed the very first line and that actually sounds a lot better to build tension with your "if it was the last thing I did". I think to make it all flow even better, take the 1 day part at the end and mush it with the first line..."a single goal in mind: I was going to see all of Africa's Big Five if it were the last thing I EVER do. BUT there was one major problem, I only had ONE day to do it" (or something like it). Then go into the hunting reference to build more tension because these species are NOT easy to find and the rest works well. Then the closing line set the loop to see "well, did you do it? I guess I gotta watch." I think if you add the other species in your next paragraph, it still works. As long as you prepare the viewer before you get into the other animals, they will get the idea.

I can't tell the difference in your new thumb lol.

[finite sand]

I made the colored species in the V have slightly bigger sections as you had recommended

[finite sand]

Ooo, yeah that's a good idea

Thanks