Does This Script Hook You/Tell a Story

[ivory parrot]

I've written a script for a new youtube video of mine, where I break all the speedrun records in a game called Little Slime Blows Up, with the title "I Broke 18 Records in a Game You've Never Heard Of".

The feedback I got from my last video was the pacing was slow and my hook wasn't engaging. So I'd love feedback on the script for my new video, mostly focusing on; did it engage you, did the hook grab your attention, and was the story I told interesting?

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1M0BiH9JZCxo4oCXHIKBI1vdUvKEpMbLtzWWXxoJ7whk/edit?usp=sharing

[distant wren]

Nice feedback post! Please keep in mind that all feedback is provided out of the good will of the community, so it may take some time for you to get a response.

Please avoid reposting or begging members in other channels to check out this thread.

If you receieve no feedback at all, consider that as feedback in a sense.

[astral vault]

Something doesn't jive with me. The screenshot is not from the game the while I know it's times based on context...to the viewer they make come up as money or math. The slime looks more what would be a "channel avatar" too. Not sure if that is what people in this space are doing.

8 pages in your script...that's about 15-18 minutes or so, that right?

[astral vault]

Just tossing this one as a referece. Doesn't have to be this way, but this person with 350 subs got a 55k video. "speak" the language of the viewer that will see your video. Like Any%. World Record...that's a good one. That thumb itself is not great and it still got a whole lot of views and it's fairly new.

Another one as reference.

[ivory parrot]

My bad I sent the wrong thumbnail. These are the ones I had in mind

[ivory parrot]

Closer to 30ish minutes

[ivory parrot]

Interesting, definitely something to consider. These seem to be just world record runs though, rather than a structured video

[astral vault]

Odd question, if you had to pick one, should the viewer care more about you or the game? Meaning, do you think they'd care you are doing the run or care for the game itself more?

[ivory parrot]

For me doing the run

I plan to be a variety speedrunner like Eazyspeezy

[astral vault]

How would you make the viewer care about how you do the run off the thumb and title? I am not attacking your ideas. I am actually sitting here trying to think about that even for my own channel. My thing is that once people click, even on long form videos I can keep a 30% ish view retention. Not stellar, but most people stay after the initial hook drop*. My struggle is GETTING them to click.

[ivory parrot]

I'm hoping that highlighting the amount of time the records took to break (1500 attempts and 30 hours in this case), and how many records I broke (18 in this case) would make people interested to see how I did it

[astral vault]

At the core, the idea is that "it was hard" and to go on that journey.

[ivory parrot]

Basically yes

[astral vault]

I was thinking of really happy slime on the left side...flowers and jumping with a big smile...then a center vertical line to cut, and on the right side is the tired slime on a grim looking place with a crown. Text about something like "18 Records Later".