neat sail
I don't have a lot of time today, so forgive me for being abrupt in some of this.
Your intro hook is very weak. You not focusing on WH in this video, so a 15 second intro focusing on them is weird. Try writing something more traditionally focused on introducing the concept of your video to the viewer.
Your second paragraph is more in line with what I would expect at the intro. Maybe just switch them around.
The first several paragraphs are a vlog about your experience with Halo, completely disconnected from the concept of the video and from the first two paragraphs. In fact, half of this script is about Halo, in almost direct contention to the core conceit of the script.
CoD is an interesting one. I did a video on how CoD isn't about the player. You don't take it in the same direction. It still feels disconnected from the core conceit.
Marvel movies for some reason???
Now we're talking about Destiny being a bad Halo game.
Okay now in the last paragraph you finally cover the core concept you introduced to me. And it's over instantly.
In my opinion, this fails entirely to achieve the goal of talking about games where you aren't the hero, it fails to interest or elucidate, I do not feel educated. This is a diary entry about how you really like Halo and how it makes you feel like you're not the center of the universe.
"How Halo Feels Like War, and Call Of Duty Doesn't" is how I would re-title this entire script.
distant juniper