About divorce/leaving husband

[still dagger]

Assalamu alaikum. It's long and personal story, very sorry in advance, but I don't know who else can I ask this.
Few years ago a random guy texted me about nikkah, so he's Muslim, then turned out we live in the same city, he's also into gaming and a good guy in general. I wasn't looking for relationship, but thought what if no one else would like me, so we started chatting in October 2020, meeting each other's parents, then nikkah in February 2021 (ofc my parents were very skeptical, but I thought it's just because they aren't religious). The guy told he wanted to do nikkah sooner, so we could date and play games without the third party. It was nice, but I saw him more as a friend. But then in summer 2021 he started talking about moving in together. I didn't want it, but he kept persuading, and I was always struggling with saying no to someone. So in September 2021 we moved in, and I understood it was a mistake in the next day.
The main problem - I don't like being touched/hugged and definitely not ready for intimacy (can't imagine having this desire), and ofc I warned him, he said it's ok. But he wanted it. I couldn't feel safe and comfortable with him, I felt bad even if he just wanted to hug or come too close. Ofc we talked about it, but he still kept hugging and touching me, even when I clearly told to stop (at least he didn't force me for intimacy).
It continued for over a year, felt terrible. I said multiple times that I don't love him, see him only as a friend and that he should find someone else. I often wanted to hit him, yell, verbally abuse (usually I'm soft), it was hard to hold back. Of course I talked about it, so he knew it.
Then in November 2022 I decided to come back to parents, warned him a week before and left. I prayed istikhara before leaving him and then after. He tried to get me back, texted, came to me, said that love isn't necessary in family, then even said that we could live just as friends, but I didn't want to see him anymore.

In summer 2023 we finally were divorced in registry office, but he still doesn't want to give talak (even his parents adviced him to finally let me go at this point).
I heard it's a sin if woman runs from her husband, and I feel really guilty that it turned out like this, never wanted to break someone's heart, I know it's my fault that I married him even though I wasn't ready. He's a good guy, religious, funny, never hit me, but I hated being married to him. I don't want to come back to him. Am I sinful for this?

[forest tide]

Asalaam Aleykum, can you send the source about the sin of running away from your husband?

[dusty mason]

Thank you for feeling comfortable enough to share this here, but I really think you need to consult someone who does this for a living. I know I say that a lot, but our opinion as random Muslims on the internet will not help you in your specific situation in the most optimal way the way a professional Muslim counselor/therapist/imam/scholar would.

The aspect of asking if that was sinful is just one part of this. You're gonna need to get some help processing that series of events to help you with the guilt you're feeling. I don't think you'll get the help from us here that would do that for you.

[chrome talon]

I couldn’t really find anything (at least Hadith) talking about a wife running away from her husband being a sin. I asked ChatGPT and it gave me a Hadith where the Prophet (S.A.W.) said that whoever runs away from the house, has severed the ties of kinship. I tried finding the Hadith but couldn’t. So I doubt running away from your husband is a sin (probably another fake Hadith made to stop ppl from trying to divorce, just like the Hadith about divorce).

[spiral musk]

At the end of the day, this is a gaming discord and the intersection of qualified Islamic scholar/counselors to help with an issue as serious as this with gamers is likely empty. Just out of curiosity...did your husband know you were ace at the time of marriage?

[still dagger]

@forest tide @chrome talon I saw it in a list of sins in Islam next to a slave running away from his owner, but the website is on russian, and I couldn't find the Hadith or clearer explanation in english. So maybe it's really not true

[forest tide]

There are 2 very famous FABRICATED hadiths about divorce. 1 is about how the throne of Allah shakes in anger when a couple gets divorced and the other that the Prophet least favorite halal thing is divorce. Again both of these hadiths are fake.

The subject of divorce is not fun, but it is necessary. Getting a divorce because you don’t find your partner attractive is allowed. A woman once told the Prophet that there is nothing wrong with her husband’s character, but she still wanted a divorce because she didn’t find him attractive and the Prophet told her that that is allowed (Sahih Bukhari 4973).

But as @dusty mason said, seek help from a professional in this field (make sure they don’t mix cultural taboo’s with islam).

[still dagger]

@dusty mason I asked one imam about it, he said it's weird that husband doesn't let go the wife if she clearly doesn't want to be with him.
I also had online consultations with Muslim therapist, even including husband, and she supported me, but it's probably therapist's job to support a client..
But my religious uncle supported husband, and many imams in my town are very conservative, too. Like, he didn't beat me, provides all I need, so nothing to complain about...
But I really appreciate your help, Jazakamullah Khairan guys ❤️‍🩹

[still dagger]

Yep, he used the second one when tried to get me back. It's really a relief to know it's fake, JazakiLlahu Khairan

[forest tide]

Subhanallah, this is why studying ahadith is so important. Conservative imams tend to mix culture with islam, so be wary of that. Go to scholars who actually academically studied the faith

[still dagger]

I wasn't sure about it myself, I thought maybe it'll pass in few years or so. But I warned him before nikkah, that I might not be ready. Then before moving in together I send him a long text about it.

[forest tide]

I failed to mention that the Prophet also said in the same hadith (Sahih Bukhari 4973) the woman has to give back the dowry. But honestly, no amount of dowry is worth staying in a marriage where you don’t feel love

[still dagger]

Is giving mahr back enough? Or some additional payment?
Btw his mother gave it to me with my other things, I noticed it only at home, was going to give it back anyway

[forest tide]

Girlll no additional payments, only the dowry. The rest are gifts, if you want to give those back as well than thats on you, but it is not necessary

[still dagger]

I tried to give hime back money for gifts, but he was insulted by it, so probably better to return mahr to his mom. But money won't do much help, so I'll have to wait until he changes his mind anyway

[forest tide]

Maybe he has to process it, but you have every right to leave this marriage in your case. May Allah swt grant you strength 🩷

[fluid grove]

That’s why amiraks the goat

[forest tide]

https://tenor.com/view/gigachad-gigacat-giga-gigabute-spyder228-gif-25745479

[crude drum]

I’m surprised no one called out the fact you wanted to hit your husband which to me signals a greater issue not amongst him, but in you. I digress though and inshaAllah you get what you want and he gets something better

[still dagger]

Yep, this was also a big problem

[lean crater]

Bit of a nitpick but I would avoid calling them conservative imams. They are literally just cultural imams. Scholars such as, Omar Suleiman, shadee Elmasry.........etc who have a good track record for not misinforming the ummah are also often considered conservative/traditional imams

[forest tide]

Cultural was a better term now that I think about it, thank you 🙏🏼

[fluid grove]

yeah ibr imam Omar suleiman is called a liberal sheikh not conservative xd

[lean crater]

Thats said by people that are misinformed about him and he has cleared up that doubt in recent years. Calling him a liberal scholar is a big big lie.

[fluid grove]

He is called it way more than he’s called conservative. And that’s just true.
I don’t agree with it/don’t really care. But this conversation is pointless over a throwaway joke.