The Sixth Eye - The Goose Test

[fallen axle]

Just curious, where did you get the idea for this style of formatting? I've only seen it in Beachwood and I attempted something like it before

[real orbit]

Because I am still at a stage where I have read more novels and research papers than scripts, I am prone to an overly verbose, fancy-worded style of writing which is particularly ill-suited for the attention spans of post-TikTok suits, especially should they fulfill a certain powdery stereotype, and especially in a tightly knotted procedural such as this. Walter Hill and Dan Gilroy are as far in the opposite direction as I've seen, I'm trying to even trim some fat off of them. It's a spec, so as long as you get what you see and hear, and don't toss it out, I'm happy.

[fallen axle]

Right on! Yeah, I had seen something similar in Nightcrawler which I really liked

[real orbit]

Does it pass the Goose test?

[calm halo]

I'm going to be honest. You lost me right away. I'm just having difficulty imagining what's going on with these action lines. I'm all for experimental formatting and what not, but clarity is what I value most. I don't think I'd be able to read the rest of the script, if I'm being completely honest. That's just my opinion though.

[real orbit]

Do you find it hard to follow Hard Times and Nightcrawler too, or is this harder to follow than the scripts I’m riffing on?

[calm halo]

I'll try to break down why the first page threw me. Again ,just my opinion.

SCRAPE
of a pulley, fluttering cloth exits earshot.

On my first read, this line threw me. “Fluttering cloth exits earshot” is a very stylized way of saying a flag rustles, but it took me several reads to get this.

FLAGPOLE BALL
glows moon blue, holy.

I'll be honest, I didn't know what a flagpole ball was. I looked up a flagpole, now I know, but it seems like an odd thing to focus on. Again, a hiccup at this line.

SOMEWHERE BAD

The somewhere bad threw me as well. Its just not a very descriptive thing to focus on.

I went and read through the Nightcrawler script because I had not seen it before. I'll admit I don't really like the style, but the difference that is evident for me between your script and that one is the execution. In the nightcrawler script, the mini slugs focus on tangible things, things that are easily detectable or serve as direction for us. In your script, I noticed that you focus on things that are not so tangible like "SOMEWHERE BAD" or "SCRAPE".

Ultimately, perhaps I'm just not a fan of the style.

I think if the scene started on something easily detectable. A view of the night sky, the location, something, it might help. For example, nightcrawler starts with a view of the sky. Immediately something that I can envision. No question I know where we are. It then proceeds to set the scene by explicitly telling us where we are. It holds our hand right off the bat by letting us know we're in LA.

I think your concept is interesting, but I think you need to hold my hand some more for me to get into it, if that makes sense. Just needs a touch more clarity for me.

[real orbit]

So it needs to be tangible before stylized

Big thing with this draft, after the structure, is settling on a writing style to pursue

[novel ruin]

seconding that this is hard to follow. I'm a fan of minislugs and don't mind this style but as neptune notes you need to be grounding us in what we're seeing. even beyond the minislugs there's just too little detail about the environment in the action lines and it feels like we're adrift, with moments taking place in a void