Untitled Techno-Horror Pilot - Logline

[mint abyss]

It might be just me but I think the logline is big?

[pastel bane]

This is what i learned in film school: try to whittle down the logline to 25 words of less. This will help you quickly who the main characters are, what their goal is, and what the stakes are. And what sounds cooler: attempting to piece together the truth? Or piecing together the truth? Cut the 'attempt' and go straight for what they do in the film.

[quasi nacelle]

As a young woman’s suicide rocks a small town, two of her classmates along with an out-of-town journalist, discover evidence of malevolent entities possessing humans through the internet as they attempt to piece together the truth behind why she killed herself.

[slender compass]

I think that version is much better.

However, I would try to think of ways to make your series hook pop. By that, I mean the part about the malevolent entities. It feels like that part gets glossed over in your logline, and I think that might be the most important aspect of your show. Just saying "they discover evidence of" isn't as intriguing as it could be, in my opinion.

Overall, I think it's interesting and I'd watch/read, but I think you can really make it sing with some tweaks in vocabulary or restructuring things a little.

[quasi nacelle]

Yeah, 'discover evidence of' kind of reads weird to me as well, but I'm having trouble finding a better string of words

As a young woman’s suicide rocks a small town and two of her classmates, along with an out-of-town journalist, search for answers, they unravel a mystery involving malevolent entities who feed off humans through the internet.

[slender compass]

Again, I think this is even better than your last. I think one more adjective before mystery could help. They unravel an insidious mystery... They unravel a chilling mystery...

That's really nitpicking though. I really do think it's solid.