A little sci-fi concept

[lost carbon]

Title: m.//$path
Genre: sci-fi /comedy
Format: feature
Logline: in a distant future where empathy is measured and government mandated, a young sociopath is sent to an emotional processing center where she and other low-EQ prisoners must “learn to love, or f*cking die.”

[winged moat]

cool idea, but IMO this logline is set up and not story

what she does in response to this situation is what we want to know

and it's a really minor tweak, just a "learns to survive" or "tries to escape" or whatever so we understand her objective

and she reads as more of an active participant in her own story

[wintry pebble]

I agree with national here. Also wondering how the world got like this. And if you had a stroke while writing the title.

oh wait... I see.... it says EMPATH... I'm dumb

[lost carbon]

Lmaoooo

[lost carbon]

Now in this case would it be good to include lore in logline? I’ve always been confused about world building in these types of summaries lol

[wintry pebble]

I think the most important part is the hook, and to me it feels it's love, or die haha

which is hilarious

but understated

[lost carbon]

Okay so I’m gonna a little description for the plot in my mind and if you could (no pressure) maybe point out which aspects would be the most important to include

A device is invented that predicts empathetic engagement with 100% accuracy.

So basically this scenario is a massive therapy session/prison camp for sociopaths. They have to learn empathy as a logical process and by the end of their “training” let’s say six months they must demonstrate for a panel their performance of empathy.

If the panel is adequately convinced, they are released, if not, they are disintegrated.

Simultaneously our protagonists friend in the camp is a war criminal. He claims he has invented a weapon that can end the world. Both of them make a pact to blow up earth if either of them makes it out

The tone is more satire than serious by the way

[versed jungle]

The pact is pretty funny. The more I think about it, the more I laugh. It's so outrageous. It's like how I laughed in the first chapter of Barry's Jennifer Government.

Don't know why they'd need a panel when the device is 100% accurate.

OTOH, "war criminal" is too normal to be satire. Also, "sociopath" is too general.

Title is quite cryptic. It's programmer-speak for what?

The premise and the pact go well together.

[lost carbon]

Thank you thank you for the advice.

The panel determines if the performance of empathy is convincing enough to reintegrate, the lack of empathy itself can’t be changed

Also the title is just the word empath but chopped and screwed as much as possible. That will CERTAINLY change if I write this lol

I’m thinking of calling it

“I am so very proud of your heart”

Which would be too long prob but I like a long title.

Also this would be (in my mind) the message her mother would text her every hour after being diagnosed with dementia. The protagonist would be traced through her response to this message.

At first she’d roll her eyes but then by the end I see her visiting her mother in hospice and holding her hand while the earth blows up.

And her mom would say “is it Christmas?”

And she would say “yes mom. Merry Christmas.”

And the mom would respond “I don’t say this enough… but I am so very proud of your heart.”

And the protagonist mouthes the phrase as her mom says it. A few tears fall and they both are engulfed in flames.

The title sociopath would def be too general you’re right. Do you think I should change it to something like “repeat offender” or “dangerous recidivist?”

Also the “war criminal” I think I might change to “disgraced military scientist/mad scientist”

Either way thank you for the input 🙏

Or the title could just be “<3”

[winged moat]

you're still describing set-up and world - what is your main character doing for 90-120 pages?

[lost carbon]

Mmm I see

She is participating in a series of battle royale style therapy sessions where the person who makes the least progress emotionally gets evaporated.

Simultaneously, she uncovers a conspiracy where she learns that all the people in leadership positions are sociopaths. They created the emotional processing centers as a way to cull competition for authority.

And then in addition to that she helps the scientist finish formulating his doomsday device.

By the end when she “graduates” she is offered a government position. She accepts and uses her position in government to activate a nuclear weapon which eliminates all life on earth.

The tone is satirical, absurd, and heightened. Think Cube meets Battle Royale meets Brazil

[versed jungle]

The MC's mother having dementia could be excellent character motivation if it's related to how the MC got low EQ and became a repeat offender--that's specific as opposed to sociopath and even repeat offender.

[lost carbon]

Turns out she’s autistic with antisocial tendencies and the system is massively flawed and cruel 😔

[versed jungle]

That is awesome! You should work that into your logline. These kinds of motivations and particulars are also things that make Battle Royale work.

[winged moat]

In a distant future where empathy is measured and enforced, a young sociopath tries to uncover the conspiracy shaping her world while surviving battle royale therapy sessions where the least enlightened perish.
something like this just helps to center the main character and her actions as the driving force of the story

[lost carbon]

Oh thank you thank you!

[lament stratus]

Reminds me of Nosedive from Black Mirror