gray pier
Title: Bloody Mary Special
Format: Short
Genre: Horror
Logline: A tipsy college student takes part in an interactive drink special at a local sports bar on Halloween...accidentally dooming a small crowd to a grisly death.
Pages: 1
Trade: Yes, for pieces 10 pages or fewer.
Newest draft [here](#1455241860313256018 message).
pine crescent
Feel like the first paragraph could be doing a bit more to make the setting feel more fun and specific.
The place is packed with costumed patrons. How are they packed? Is it too cramped to walk? Are people making faces like it's too hot or too smelly? Are they packed in like sardines? Something like that. Similarly, it could be fun to call out specifically what Monica is wearing.
Do we have to do the ID check? A lot of IDs just get checked at the entrance to the bar. Could maybe use more of the real estate on the page by just getting rid of this interaction.
Would love if there's maybe a step further that the end twist could go. What if everyone else in the bar is dead? What if the bartender does something? What if something else happens to Monica? The ending feels a bit expected. I feel like you could twist things up just a little bit more to really leave an impact and make this stand out more.
gray pier
Feel like the first paragraph could be doing a bit more to make the setting feel...
I get you. One answer/clarification: The ID check is partially (if well-acted enough) supposed to communicate that Monica is underage and feed into the theme that the bartender is being predatory (though not for your standard reasons). The rest of this is very fair, though! Thank you.
pine crescent
Gotcha, I guess I felt like that theme was already gotten across a bit, so it felt unnecessary? It's a college bar, we know Monica is underage already, the bartender was already looking sketchy. But moreso just felt like it was the spot that stuck out the most to me as part of the page that could be doing more elsewhere.
gray pier
Gotcha, I guess I felt like that theme was already gotten across a bit, so it fe...
Got it!
gray pier
Updated draft here. Obviously can't enter this in this years Killer Shorts at this point, but I'm saving this for next year and potentially submitting for coverage sooner than that.
dense turtle
Hi I was wondering if you wanted to script swap. I should be able to this short by the end of tommorow and give some solid feedback, if you're interested could you DM and I'll send u my short it's 17 pages.
gray pier
Hi I was wondering if you wanted to script swap. I should be able to this short ...
Hello! I posted my limits for length for swaps in the original post, and because this is a one-pager, my limit for length for a swap for this piece is 10 pages. Thank you for offering, though!
fallow ember
