The Test - 1 Page

[plain halo]

Title: The Test
Format: Short Screenplay
Genre: Horror/Psychological
Logline: A jealous survivor devises a monstrous test to rid herself of beautiful rivals, ensnaring her next victim in a brutal game where beauty is a death sentence.
Pages: 1
Trade: yes, for shorts

I got a wild hair to submit to the Killer Shorts 1 page contest, so I'm trying to get some feedback on the screenplay I created today.

I may have been a bit ambitious for all of the aspects I'm trying to get across, but maybe not. I am at the page limit as it stands, no room for additional lines, but am open for any feedback. I don't want to waste a submission if it's not coming across correctly.

UPDATED VERSOIN IN COMMENTS.

[woven pelican]

It took me a minute to realize what was going on because the slug line says we're in a hole in the floor. But really, we are in a room where the brunette is talking to a blonde chick who's in the hole, am I right?

I think it's a difficult concept to confine to one page, BECAUSE there would be more reluctance from the blonde to eat the flesh. As it is right now, she just takes a bite after some slight nudging.

There needs to be more tension, which I know is hard because it's only one page.

All that being said, I think it's an interesting concept.

Here's a thought... Start the scene with the brunette egging the blonde on to eat the flesh... Let it be somewhat ambiguous as to what her intentions are until the very end.

[plain halo]

I was thinking the brunette could have a gun to force her to, but I wanted Ian to do the shooting….

I like what you are saying but need to think how to do that because I have no room. Also, it’s Ian admitting she is pretty that makes the brunnet act

[woven pelican]

Yeah, I picked up on that. I like the jealousy angle.

[plain halo]

Maybe she says something like “like I’ve been telling you, as soon as we know you aren’t infected” so it can hint the blonde has been told this before and has been down there for a longer time and is ready to take a bite just to get out?

[woven pelican]

I think that's a great idea.

[plain halo]

Thank you for talking this out with me! Now I just need to figure out how to make it fit. 🖤🖤

[woven pelican]

Yeah, one pagers are hard. I might try one too. You've inspired me!

[plain halo]

Here is an updated version

[plain halo]

Actually, this is the most up to date version. I think it clarifies most things, and also makes it clear brunette is up to no good, since I had one person who didn’t catch on to what was happening

[woven pelican]

I really do think that's a significant improvement. Such minor changes really, but to me very effective.

[plain halo]

Just adding what I think is the final version, for anyone else that might check this out. I think I have tweaked this down to the last work. I don't think I can make anymore changes (because of room) before I start to make this worse. Going to sit with it for a couple days, then submit it to the contest.

[broken canopy]

Apologies for not checking this out earlier!
This is an interesting concept. I love the way you described both women and what Ian. I can clearly see that you are using the space you have VERY efficiently and there is almost no words wasted.
My ONLY piece of feedback is to drop the line "if you like it you are one of them" or change it. It feels a little too direct. I think you could reword it somehow, (lemme think on this for a second) but that was the only line that drew my attention

[plain halo]

I would love to hear if you have thoughts. I’m limited on space, so it has to fit into the space that is there.

I was trying to think of a way that she makes liv eat flesh, so she can frame her, while also trying to explain what that would mean (signaling she was rabid).

But I’m stuck, and I also feel like it’s a strange line. I worry just dropping it may be too vague, but having it can feel off.

It so hard because every minor tweak means reworking all of it to fit the page, but I’m so close to having something I feel I could submit to the killer shorts single page competition!

[broken canopy]

No i totally get what you mean.
One pagers are funny because you are all like "huh that is an easy fix" and then you go on a 7 hour side quest trying to describe a countertop without going over on words

[plain halo]

What about something like “prove the taste doesn’t trigger you”?

That might fit….not sure if it’s just as off though.

[broken canopy]

I dont think that is it but it sounds better

Hmmmm

That is a tricky one

[plain halo]

“Let’s see if you go all wild?”

“Does it trigger your feral side?”

“It’s the only way to be sure…”

Or maybe just “see if you like it”

[broken canopy]

"Only way to be sure" sounds like she is concerned
"See if you like it" might work if you underline the "like it" part

[plain halo]

Or……maybe give false hope with “no reaction, we can let you out”. Like she just has to take a bite, prove she’s normal and she can get out?

I’m may be reaching now

I feel like this would maybe make it a bit more clear why liv would give in and do it, the hope that this act, this proof, will get her out of the pit

Wait, no, now it sounds like she is infected

[broken canopy]

I would try to think on it a bit, maybe go on a walk and just pick it apart?

You dont have to get it right away just think about it for a few hours

[plain halo]

You’re right, my brain just starts going at a million miles an hour! I’m going to take your suggestion and get some sun

[plain halo]

I think I might have thought of something I like better. Gets rid of some plot holes, helps explain why Liv would agree to do the bite, shows Dana’s manipulation and hints that she could move the goalpost. I may play with the wording just slightly but I think I like this general idea better.

“Enough! Take one bite and you’re free. Unless you can’t stop at just one…”

Still can sound like a test, like if she is infected she’ll keep eating, but there is false hope making her betrayal worse.

[broken canopy]

Hmmm i need to think on this

Also not to go the "money, money, money" route but
have you tried the paid feedback for killer shorts? I won't lie it was a little pricy (50$) but i would say it was pretty worth it (i also did get a 50$ gift card for donating blood)

[plain halo]

I’ve never submitted before. But I did submit a different screenplay to another comp that gives feedback with each entry and got some good feedback on that one, good being helpful but also some really positive feedback to

[broken canopy]

It is my first time submitting as well, you still have plenty of time to revise!

[plain halo]

Oh, good luck! Are you doing single page or a longer short?

I’ll stop spamming this but I think I’m headed a new direction. I’m just going with the fact Dana is crazy and jealous, so she comes back in and just says

“Enough! I’ll make you a deal, take a bite and I’ll let you out.”

This has nothing to do with infection or a test, so there is now “why does a bite prove anything” it just simply shows that Dana is cruel. And if anyone wonders why she is doing it, it is answered as soon as Liv takes a bite, she was framing her to look infected so Ian would kill her.

I feel really good about this change. It fits Dana, and Liv is so desperate to get out, it makes sense that she gives in without too much fight.

Thank you for your feedback!

[broken canopy]

All good! I do actually like that change. Try it out and ill give it a read!

[plain halo]

Here it is.

Let me know if you want any extra eyes on your work!

[broken canopy]

Ok I think the changes you made were great! I think it makes the situation darker but also it falls into dark comedy (which i love).

[plain halo]

Thank you!!!!