#Lady of the Night - Supernatural Horror Short

8 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

grim briar
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Page 3. "The tension is so thick..." I think the feeling is so well accomplished (congrats, really!) that this line comes off as cliché and unnecessary.
Page 7. Mike's first line of dialogue is such an impactful and necessary piece of information, but I feel like the words used make it seem like exposition. I'm not sure that I'm explaining myself, but maybe you don't need to point everything out, maybe he could've said "I never learn, huh? Got stuck with you because of one of these and now this fcking b!tch won't behave." Pay no mind to how crude that is, I just mean that I read those two lines as too direct, you know? Like info that wasn't passed through Mike's character's filter.

I'm guessing the split screen is a way of approaching that 1980's style, but I think it may be too little information for using it. Moreover, I think it makes the transformation kind of less important by not using the whole screen for it.

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General notes: I think you built the ambiance so well, I felt so in the place reading it that I could almost hear that late 80s music playing as the scenes developed. The one thing that was just slightly unsatisfactory to me is to see Duncan just keep going with his life like it was. I understand that he chooses for it to be that way, but I feel like the story that happens didn't impact him deeply. Maybe if he was sat at his dad's office, showing that he finally got over all the abuse, but that he's still just a bit like him inside..?

shrewd temple
# grim briar Page 3. "The tension is so thick..." I think the feeling is so well accomplished...

Thank you for reading!

The vibe I was kind of going for with Mike and Duncan is that they very clearly have some history together and being in that motel has kind of left them alone with their resentments.

With the ending, I was more or less trying to suggest that everything we just witnessed may or may not have been the demented fantasies of a movie crazed slacker (who's not 100% heterosexual - maybe he's a future metrosexual in the making)

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It's kind of a reflection of Duncan's fractured psyche

grim briar
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Ohh I definitely see that now! thanks for pointing it out, it makes sense now. congrats on this piece!

shrewd temple
shrewd temple
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LADY OF THE NIGHT - Supernatural Horror

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Lady of the Night - Supernatural Horror