#Fragile Fred - Dramedy

48 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

drowsy crane
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Title: Fragile Fred
Genre: Dark Comedy/Drama
Format: Feature
Logline: A miserable man desperately tries to live out his fantasy life in an alternate universe where he doesn’t belong.

hallow igloo
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He can be an incel, but I think the notion of incel culture is so off putting to a lot of people that you may want to omit that from the logline. We don’t need to know that the life is suburban. We don’t need to know his arc (that he is confronting his personality), only his goal, and the obstacle(s) to it.

drowsy crane
drowsy crane
hallow igloo
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Better. Think you could still shorten the second and third clauses somehow.

drowsy crane
drowsy crane
hallow igloo
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Much better. I can’t exactly explain why (sleepy), but the second clause feels a bit awkward

drowsy crane
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I wonder if in this case, saying his name might help? I get the feeling the "he" after "dies" is throwing it off a bit because of the parallel people

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"A depressed loner finds a mirror world where his life is perfect, and when this mirror self dies, he stops at nothing to stay there forever"

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Or

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"Fred, a depressed loner, finds a mirror world where his life is perfect, and when this mirror self dies, Fred stops at nothing to stay there forever"

hallow igloo
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I think the issue is “when this mirror self”. You haven’t specified the mirror self before this. First clause just sounds like HIS life is perfect.

drowsy crane
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shit I think you're right. Ah man this is legitimately stumping me. Maybe if I go back to "a version of him lives a perfect life"

hallow igloo
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you could replace that clause with his obstacle or something

drowsy crane
hallow igloo
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The structure is: Inciting Incident, First Act Turn, Plot Goal, right?

drowsy crane
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yeah

hallow igloo
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Hm

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You could probably say that a slot opened up without being that specific.

drowsy crane
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I want to get across that this will be a journey of a man pretending to be an alternate version of himself, because I think that's the most interesting hook of my story, but fitting that in a not super wordy way is proving difficult

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hmm

hallow igloo
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So the conflict is trying to force his place into a nest maintained by a better person?

drowsy crane
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Yes, somewhere he doesn't belong but thinks he's entitled to

hallow igloo
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What’s the obstacle to him just staying there?

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Also hey Babinsei want to form a writing group?

drowsy crane
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I'd have to explain more, but maybe that'll help me work through what the important bit

drowsy crane
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ok so basically

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because this man is an incel, he is really REALLY unaware of how to socially interact with anybody. This perfect version of him in the mirror world is not an incel at all, so he has no problem having a wife and raising a kid together with her in their suburban home. But because this incel version has no bearing on reality, his behavior pushes these people away. They don't know that he's an alternate version, but they do know he's acting extremely different in a very bad way

hallow igloo
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I think it might help if you describe the conflict clearly without using the word incel

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How is he pushing people away?

drowsy crane
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bigotry and anger issues, mainly. On top of a myriad of other problems

hallow igloo
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does he have a specific core wound?

drowsy crane
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In his own world, he is quite literally completely alone when we encounter him. No friends, never been in a relationship, his sister won't talk to him unless it's to tell him to stop harassing her

hallow igloo
drowsy crane
drowsy crane
nimble narwhal
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Instead of depressed or lonely, could he be disillusioned? Kind of a different visual.

My suggestion below is not perfect, but maybe there is a helpful element in there?

A disillusioned man discovers an alternate world where another, better version of him has everything he could ever hope for. When alternate Fred dies, Fred inserts himself where he doesn't belong, and will do whatever is takes to remain in a life he didn't earn.

drowsy crane
# nimble narwhal Instead of depressed or lonely, could he be disillusioned? Kind of a different v...

Thanks for the suggestion! I'm hesitant to use the word "disillusioned" because through most of the story he is pretty much delusional. He is deep in a spiral of hate that's eating him alive. Disillusioned gives the impression that he has learned some kind of truth. Just curious, are you basing this off the comments between me and princezeldo or the logline at the top? (Asking cause my new logline doesn't use the word lonely or depressed)

nimble narwhal
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Ahhh, ok yea that makes sense. I probably didn’t get far enough down everything. I didn’t realize you updated the main post logline to the most recent version. It was a little hard to read through all the comments on my phone.

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I’ll look at it some more and try again.

drowsy crane
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All good! Im grateful you even read the message thread in the first place 😂

nimble narwhal
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Tomorrow, fresh eyes and brain, I’m giving it another go lol

nimble narwhal
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So, building on your logline (actually reading the one at the top), is he willing to do whatever it takes to live there? Maybe:

"A miserable man desperately tries to live out his fantasy life, no matter who he hurts, in an alternate universe where he doesn’t belong".

can you do a quick breakdown of the conflict and resolution? If he learns from it by the end of the film, I may go a different route with this than if he destorys everything at the end. Not looking to give it away in the logline but it would help with the tone.

Is this more of a thriller?

drowsy crane
# nimble narwhal So, building on your logline (actually reading the one at the top), is he willin...

He will do pretty much anything to stay there, yes. I actually have debated putting something like "no matter who he hurts" in, but I think "desperately" conveys enough for the logline to not include "no matter who he hurts", since it's only really halfway through act 2 that his willing destruction of everything becomes very apparent. But thank you for the idea!

At the start, the conflict is primarily with himself and his negative thought spirals. When he finds the alternate universe, his conflict is more fish-out-of-water misunderstanding the new world (alt self, alt wife, alt son, alt sister, alt best friend etc.) and rules. Then, his new conflict becomes convincing his (alt self's) wife to give him affection. By the climax, the cat's out of the bag, he is found out for the fraud that he is, and has to leave the alternate universe, back to his real home. So, he kinda both destroys everything AND afterwards learns as much as someone like him is capable of learning.

This story dances around a few genres. It has dramatic elements and deals with dark subject matter throughout, but at the same time is quite funny because of the level of baffling outrageousness the main character exudes at all times. It even has a bit of a romance plot brewing in the middle, along with some real disturbing doses of horror, and yeah maybe a bit of a thriller at some points especially as it gets to the end.

It has a scary sort of "portrait of Dorian Gray" inevitability vibe. Like, you know the fun can't last and are waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Thank you so much for the feedback! Greatly appreciate it!

nimble narwhal
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Ummmmm….. one more try….

A miserable man stumbles into an alternate universe full of everything he’s ever wanted but his desperation to hold on to what isn’t his leaves trail of chaos and heartbreak in his wake.