#Sleepwalker - Horror Short (2 pager)

5 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

thick flume
#

Hey all, giving this to a friend of mine to shoot. Would love a little feedback if you got a couple minutes.
Title: Sleepwalker
Format: Short Film
Genre: Horror
Logline: A man buys a camera to watch him sleep when he believes he has started sleepwalking.
Pages: 2
Trade: sure, for similar size projects i.e. <10 page

marble ember
#

Love that ending. Very paranormal activity. If I had to give any feedback it would be that I don't know if we need the bit of him going on Wikipedia. It does set up his cereal routine so I think there should be something there but I don't know if a Wikipedia article is the move. Maybe something showing why he thinks he is sleepwalking? Anywho, I could totally visualize the story, very clear. I like the visual of him holding the kitchen shears in his bed. Great work!

thick flume
crystal patrol
#

overall this feels well paced, and the ||look to camera|| is a clever bit. But this feels incomplete to me. There's no immediate threat at the end, so it doesn't feel like punctuation or climax to the dread of the scenario. it also doesn't drastically change our understanding of the situation. this is coded as horror, seems likely something bad is happening when he sleeps - and as it turns out, somethign bad is happening when he sleeps.

Also, the ||stop watching me||, while really interesting, happens on the very first night that he tries to record what's happening, osrt of deflating the entity's grievance. I think there's room with the webcam to escalate (see below re: rule of three)

I'd also think more about rules of three. You talk about him eating cereal and the pattern of his life, but we've only seen him eating cereal once before. He sleeps against the wall, then has shears - and then you shift to a new game with the camera, so that him waking up normally doesn't feel like the final beat of the series.

I think this is the rare short that could actually benefit from another page or two and make the most of this idea.