#Drifters

24 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

deep raft
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Working on a dystopian style screenplay and having troubles chewing through things a bit. This is the outline that I have so far.

Title: Drifters
Format: Film
Genre: Dystopian Drama
Logline: In a wildfire-scorched dystopia, a grief-stricken teen is forced to confront his past and fight for a future worth surviving.

Outline:
Opening Image
Ash drifts through a burned forest. Jack (17) cares for his sick little brother in a collapsed cabin. The world is ruined, all they have is eachother.

Theme Stated
Jack quietly mutters: "You can't save everyone." It’s grief disguised as realism — a line he’ll be forced to challenge.

Set-Up
Jack and his younger brother are in hiding after their parents were executed by the state. They cling to routine: drawing, stories, survival. Rumors of a northern refuge persist. They don't go as his younger brother is sick.

Catalyst
Jack's little brother dies. Jack buries him beneath a scorched tree, burns the cabin, and begins the journey north — alone.

Debate
Jack is attacked but saved by Nolan, a charming and intense teen. Nolan speaks of a prophecy — a child savior — and seems to think Jack may be part of it. Jack shrugs it off, but agrees to travel with him.

Break into Two
Jack and Nolan set out into the wild together. Nolan’s charisma grows darker. Jack suspects there’s more to him, but can’t afford to travel alone.

B Story
Jack begins to open up, sharing fragments of his past. Nolan, however, speaks more of belief, purpose, and fate. Jack begins to question whether he’s following Nolan — or being led into something dangerous.

Fun and Games
Scorched cities. Feral ruins. Fire-barren forests. The pair cross a wasteland as Nolan grows increasingly controlling. Jack is torn between fear and suspicion.

Midpoint
Jack finds Nolan’s hidden radio and overhears a coded message: “He might be the one.” Nolan is planning to turn him over — maybe to a cult, a bounty, or something worse. Jack escapes in the night.

Bad Guys Close In
Alone and exposed, Jack is eventually captured by Roamers. Just as he’s about to be executed, a young, silent boy appears and saves him. Jack is stunned — and uneasy.

All Is Lost
Jack is badly injured. The boy helps him, but Jack believes the refuge is a lie. He’s ready to give up. He admits aloud that he let his brother die.

Dark Night of the Soul
The boy says nothing, but stays. Jack breaks emotionally — for the first time, someone is there without judgment. The boy simply listens.

Break into Three
Jack and the boy travel together. Jack no longer sees the boy as a ghost — he’s someone to protect, to walk with. Jack begins to hope again.

Finale
They reach the fortified refuge. The boy is injured. Guards raise weapons. But then — gunfire. The Roamers have followed them. A short battle breaks out. The boy shows a symbol — recognized by the guards. Jack and the boy are let in. Nolan is killed.

Final Image
Jack reads a story to the boy, just like he did to his younger brother. They are safe now.

open cairn
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so that log really doesn't say much. "confront his past and fight for a future" could be any of a dozen different stories.

reading through the outline, it seems like your main character isn't leading the story, but instead is reacting to events and being moved through the story.

what does he want? what is his objective at the start of act 2?

deep raft
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Hmmm, I suppose he wants true freedom. The objective is to find safety

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as well as redeption for feeling like he failed his brother

open cairn
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"true freedom" applies as a thematic, but what is the concrete thing that he is heading towards? why is he going north? what is his destination?

deep raft
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safety - the rumoured refuge

open cairn
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In a wildfire-scorched dystopia, a grief-stricken teen tries to reach a rumored refuge while hunted by religious extremists searching for a savior.

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I'd move in that direction, where you are clealry laying out concrete objectives and obstacles

shell hedge
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i think that you can really push this further -- there's not a lot of decisions that jack makes here. he follows nolan, he's saved by another boy -- and all the while he's just kind of talking the whole timeabout his past and his feelings? it doesn't add up to much

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i'd also note that the b plot isn't a b plot -- it's the same as the a plot -- jack and nolan talking

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is there a savior? are the roamers right? are the roamers the b story? why does this boy following him make him believe in hope again?

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i'd also push you to ask why you're focusing on children and make that a more considered theme

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children of the corn/lord of the flies but mix it with the parable of the sower vibes you've described would be interesting

deep raft
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wow, I am loving these - thank you! Going to do some thinking

shell hedge
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have you read parable of the sower?

deep raft
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yup, taught Catechism for 7 years 😉

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and Lord of the Flies is my favourite book, so could totally see why I am internally going towards that

deep raft
shell hedge
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yes

deep raft
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haven't heard of that book until now then lol

shell hedge
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highly recommend reading it

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it's a great book to start and it follows a lot of what you're doing here -- a group of people in a near future firestorm/climate apocalypse head north along the california coast

nocturne linden
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Logline is strong. You capture tone, setting, and emotional stakes efficiently.
Suggestion: Slightly heighten the “hook” — what’s the unique conflict beyond survival? You hint at it with “fight for a future worth surviving,” but you might consider including the twist of Nolan or the mysterious boy. For example: In a wildfire-scorched dystopia, a grief-stricken teen sets out alone for a rumored refuge — only to fall in with a fanatical survivor who may have darker plans for him.
The death of Jack’s brother is emotionally shattering and plot-propelling. You build the internal and external motives well here.
If Nolan’s religious/prophetic talk ties into the theme of “you can’t save everyone,” it’ll resonate even more.

Consider leaning even harder into symbolic visuals or small, eerie world details that hint at societal breakdown or cultish ideology — not just geography.
The twist is solid — Nolan’s betrayal is well-placed. Try to clarify (in your eventual script) why Jack is valuable. What about him makes people think he’s “the one”? Whether it’s symbolic (he fits a prophecy) or literal (he’s immune, he’s connected to someone, etc.) — grounding it helps sell the stakes.
The arrival at the refuge and the attack gives the climax real tension — but consider: Does Jack do anything active or brave to help the boy here? Does he “save someone” in a way that contradicts his theme from the beginning?

Your strengths are a strong emotional arc (grief → guilt → healing), Jack is a believable, quietly tormented protagonist, Nolan as an ambiguous figure brings thematic depth.

deep raft
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Just want to thank you all - helped with my confidence and gave me some great ideas to think about