The premise of Howard's indecisiveness regarding his sexuality is certainly interesting and offers many opportunities for humor. However, I found myself wanting a bit more depth and development beyond that central theme.
#The Choice - LGBTQ Sex Comedy - 6 Pages
serene salmon
hazy bronze
The premise of Howard's indecisiveness regarding his sexuality is certainly inte...
What do you think could be explored more?
fickle oracle
i gave this a read! i unfortunately didn't think it was all that funny, and i for me, it started off on the wrong foot by having two characters monopolize a conversation in a way that doesn't really add to the story
there's no real narrative here, which can be fine, but it feels like that's what's missing.
lauren and craig chat about being Gold Star Gays, their bisexual friend says something offhand about jan and jill, and then goes right into fantasizing about all these people
sudden marsh
Middle of Page 2 is a massive missed opportunity for a sex comedy joke as well
fickle oracle
i would be more intersted in this if it was howard going through his day thinking about what he likes and then we intercut to him writing down "ass" "titties" etc
sudden marsh
Middle of Page 2 is a massive missed opportunity for a sex comedy joke as well
"Do you think it's hard [...]?"
So many things you could've done with that
fickle oracle
leave out the VO, show us what's happening, and give howard more agency/energy/interesting things to do than just fantasizing in a room
sudden marsh
i would be more intersted in this if it was howard going through his day thinkin...
Even show him pondering in otherwise innocent scenes where the natural thing to appreciate would be the weather, good music.
Give the audience a diversion - it makes the list so much more crass and out there
Perhaps a montage of him in these settings, writing stuff down that we don't see, until a smash-cut board meeting - where we see just how dirty, filthy, lewd the list truly is
@hazy bronze What do you think of that?
hazy bronze
Omg so much feedback so quick!
All of these ideas are great and definitely I think you guys are right when it comes to making Howard more active (that's kind of a pattern I'm beginning to see with what I write -- trying to find that balance of exploring what's in the character's mind and making them active)
I think I wanna expand this beyond a short now
fickle oracle
one thing i wanted to flag that's super minor -- kiki is/was originally a Black lesbian term
sudden marsh
I think I wanna expand this beyond a short now
I think it might have merit
fickle oracle
i don't think it had gotten through the the Street Level Gays ain 1999
hazy bronze
i don't think it had gotten through the the Street Level Gays ain 1999
The pitfalls of writing a period piece and having a queer zoomer's writer's voice 😂
fickle oracle
The pitfalls of writing a period piece and having a queer zoomer's writer's voic...
RIP
sudden marsh
The pitfalls of writing a period piece and having a queer zoomer's writer's voic...
PFFFFF
Same
I'm having to write straight people in mine
...I'm about as far away from straight as you could get
fickle oracle
the trick is to develop a premise where there are no straight people
sudden marsh
Woah
hazy bronze
the trick is to develop a premise where there are no straight people
Literally, I'm beginning to see that I'm stronger with writing queer characters and its like 'well, yeah you're queer'
fickle oracle
but to bring it back @hazy bronze definitely push this further. mild biphobia isn't actually funny in this context
something to think about would be take out that first scene and read the story again -- it works just as well
the little dig "make a choice" doesn't actually motivate him too much.