Soccer Practice - Transgender Short

[grizzled storm]

I think the writing is pretty clean. Very easy to scan, not too much description. Personally I think there may be too many ellipses but that's just my preference. The dialogue feels realistic. I'm not really "getting" what's in the logline though - it feels like Caiden is actually pretty secure in his gender and sexuality. He's just new and shy with his teammates. I think any new kid would act this way at school. I don't know if you're using mastectomy scars to make sure the audience knows he's trans? that felt a little off to me since most young teens just go on puberty blockers and hormones. if you really want it to be more clear that Caiden still deals with gender dysphoria, what if he still binds and can't have surgery? Just a thought.

As for the chemistry between him and Rory, it was obvious at the last scene but wasn't really in the first scene together. Rory seemed just kind of lumped in with the other boys. You could probably differentiate him better, write some action lines about what he's doing while the other boys lightly tease Caiden.

[buoyant sedge]

Thank you for reading!

What I was going for was the feeling that Caiden is in the midst of a very crucial moment for him as a trans boy. He's trying to figure out his identity, but he's in an environment that doesn't really try to help him - his soccer mates tease him for being trans and his queer friends bore him.

He's also trying to figure out his sexuality and he doesn't really have too many healthy ways to explore it - the only ways he's able to is by sneaking peaks at the boys in the locker room and showing himself off to older men online.

[grizzled storm]

This isn't really coming across as crucial because you don't really describe Caiden's reactions to any of it. He's pretty passive.

The cam scene was ... controversial, but I didn't get the sense that Caiden is unsure or conflicted that he's interested in men.

So, I think either you can turn up the stakes a little bit -- or make Caiden a more active protagonist (what does he do if his new friends bore him? Does he keep bringing up his old friend group who he misses? Does he talk to his coach about insisting to play on the boys team and there's resistance? Does he defend himself to bullies but gets pushed even farther?) I think you have a well written collection of scenes here, but it doesn't feel like a story.

[buoyant sedge]

I need to work on really communicating and representing how Caiden is feeling internally, basically.

Caiden's attracted to the boys and men he interacts with, but the thing is - he probably hears from his queer friends that those kinds of guys are toxic, and he experiences this kind of toxicity himself - and that's a source of conflict.

Then, add on what he's going through with his gender - he's a boy, but he doesn't know what kind of boy he wants to be. He may not even have a choice - he might have to be a certain kind of boy to ever really gain acceptance in the environment he's in.

[grizzled storm]

Honestly could be a whole feature! Finding a label that makes sense is basically the easy part, finding out who YOU are and how you relate to a community can take decades 🙂

[buoyant sedge]

Queer teens wrestle with a lot (in other news, water is wet)

[round nymph]

I agree with kc here - there's a lot that's happening off the page. I'd give some thought to which specific moment(s) of Caiden's life would best communicate what he's feeling. The ones you've chosen (though very well-written!) aren't communicating much right now.

There's a beautiful sequence in the screenplay for I Saw the TV Glow that didn't make it into the film. Page 37, the "Gravitron" scenes. I'd take a look at that script to see how Jane puts Owen's internal experience on the page.

[buoyant sedge]

Second draft.

Soccer Practice - LGBTQ Psychological Drama - 10 Pages

Soccer Practice - LGBTQ Psychological Drama - 9 Pages

[warm trout]

Hey Lando,

This is a nice little story but it feels…unfocused?

For example, on page five, the second scene of Caiden with his friends. If we remove that scene, what do we lose? You can just cut it and everything stays the same.

And that’s kinda the issue. You could cut almost any scene and none of the other scenes would be impacted.

I did find it easy and clear to read through and your scene-work is good.

And watch out with the unfilmables, especially with the second shower scene and the ending.

[buoyant sedge]

Hey, thanks for reading!

I was kind of shooting for a more or less slice-of-life portrait of Caiden's life. The kind of things he feels and experiences on a day to day basis.

With the unfilmables, I really wanted to communicate how Caiden feels internally. Reading the previous draft, which contained far less unfilmables, it kind of came off like Caiden was more stoic than what I envisioned.

One thing I'm kind of seeing as I write scripts that explore topics in the realm of sexuality is that communicating how characters feel within the script is kind of important because actions (especially, in a sexual context) can have so many interpretations.

[warm trout]

I understand but scripts and movies deal with actions. Character will do something and me, as an audience member, will interpret that in a certain way and that's out of your control. And if you try to take that away, you are creating a huge handicap for yourself.

For what it's worth, my advice would be don't worry about interpretations and don't feel the need to explain anything because, amongst other things, you can't.

But, I do suck at slice of life stories so take everything I say with a grain of salt 😄

[buoyant sedge]

I'll keep this in mind-- and it is something I do think about, what to leave to the audience and what to expand on

[warm trout]

and thank you for sharing!!!

[buoyant sedge]

Practice - Transgender Short