#One Page Challenge 247

10 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

amber dirge
#

<@&698916665710215209> The OPC is a weekly event, challenging all to write and submit a single page corresponding to that week's Elements. While the page needs to be enjoyable on its own, it does not need to be a complete story.

All entries must be standard screenwriting format and must not include a cover page. Entries based off of existing work will be disqualified on weeks with prizes.

Last week @prisma valley took top prize, congrats!

oscar 🖊️ 📄 ONE PAGE CHALLENGE #247 📄 🖊️ oscar

This week's Elements (which must be incorporated) are:
▫️The page takes place in three levels of one location

Submissions are now open and will remain open until Sunday 10:00PT/13:00ET/18:00UTC. Vote on your favorite submissions with the plus_one emoji. Good luck!

If you would like to help come up with prompts, you can do so via the following form (full credit will be given!): https://forms.gle/FCfd9K59QPtp27Fu7

OPCGraphicBrandedSH.png
normal plank
worn thorn
halcyon sierra
# normal plank

I love the ending of this one, there was. a solid build up and a payoff that leaves the audience in an interesting direction.
A few things to note:
||- The first work, tick, I have no idea what this means. does it come from the elevator when the doors open? If so then why do you use ding later on?

  • Try not to direct so much on the page: "We're looking at elevator doors... finally open. The camera pulls back as carl walks in." This immediately takes me out of your script, maybe instead of "we see" and adding camera movement just say: "Carl stands before Big elevator doors, he taps his foot impatiently. The doors finally open and Carl walks in. In the corner of the elevator sits THE MAN."
  • I really enjoy this line of "The fighting is intense, brutal, and overall weird as fuck" But How is it weird as fuck? Add a little more information here.
  • Also you don't need to capitalize Carl every time he is mentioned, only when he is introduced.
  • Also if you can add some description to Carl, such as his age or what he is wearing. It is slight but it adds a lot
  • But I need to point out that the whole chunk of action lines should be broken up more, it doesn't give us anytime to breathe and comprehend what is going on. Give us anything to focus on also You say a crowd of fighting people but you don't go any more in depth on that, maybe add something to focus on. Like a person. ||
    I know it is quite a bit of feedback, but the concept here is awesome and makes me excited for what is to come next. Keep up the good work!
    (I did type this in the middle of class so if this is confusing please let me know
normal plank
halcyon sierra
# worn thorn

||- Voice, there is not a lot of voice on the page. By voice I mean describing things, using capitals, underlines, italics, etc.. For example: "Suddenly a man appears and slips into the elevator before the doors close" could be improved by adding voice. Here is how I would rewrite this "The doors begin to close before a SHADOW FLIES in." This works because we don't identify the shadow, we don't know what it is: is it a cat? is it a dog? we have no idea, this builds tension.

  • The concept here is off to a good start but it needs some refining. Why is this dude trying to kill this woman? Why doesn't he just kill her in the elevator? Why does the woman have no reaction to him? Not all of these questions need to be answered but there needs to be a driving force of the story.
  • You mention that they go onto the roof and then her body flies down to the bottom of the building. Yet there are no scene headings for this information. You need to add scene headings if the environment changes. For this specifically, you can add
    "ROOFTOP
    The man and woman leave the elevator"
  • Also there are no descriptors of the man or the woman. They are very blank. Add some description to them. What is their age? What are they wearing? What are they holding? You don't have to answer these if it is not important to the story but they add character to Man and Woman. If there is no character, we have no reason to be that invested in them.
  • Everything seems to happen very quickly, again you can space this out by adding voice and white space and Beats to improve this. OR if you want it to happen quickly, add use voice to make it more intense. ||
    I know this is quite a bit of feedback but I do want you to know that you are off to a good start. There is some genius in here but you just gotta find it.
    I'm going to recommend that you read this black list script called HOWL. I think it will help you out with these intense and dark situations you are writing.
    Excited to see what you write next OPC!
halcyon sierra
worn thorn
distant sandal
steady tartan