#Emberfall - 60 Minute Pilot - Fantasy

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lapis stream
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Title: Emberfall
Format: Live Action - 60 Minutes
Genre: Fantasy
Logline: After a group of Marines encounter a supernatural phenomenon, they
are transported to a world full of magic and dragons, thrusting
them into the center of a conflict that spans the multiverse.
Pages: 60 Happy to read your script as well!

Open to any input. This is only my second-ever script and first of this kind. Feel free to do a 5 or 10-page assessment.

📎 Emberfall_Pilot.pdf
lapis stream
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Emberfall - 60 Minute Pilot - Fantasy

pliant radish
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Hey there! I’m new to this whole
world so my feedback probably won’t be robust, but I did read your first 20 pages because I liked your logline. I want to read them again before I write down some bullets to send you. Would appreciate it if you could read my first 20 pages also! Mine is a sci-fi thriller with existential themes. Would that be of interest? Thanks!

lapis stream
smoky dirge
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Gonna take a gander at this later!

harsh obsidian
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heya i read the first 25 pages, and i skimmed a bit of the rest. i think that you need more dialgoue overall, and i would have loved to have seen one of the marines be a woman -- the only girls i saw were either sorcerers or cat girls lol. there's a lot of discription and intense actiaon, but i think that you could stand to be Less Subtle in communicating the threats that are being faced. this really feels like a setup to the isekai introduction, but it should probably do more work to establish the conflicts that are going to happen and why. sometimes the audience needs to be told very specifically and clearly what's at stake for each character

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it's very pose/action line heavy, and i think finding ways to quickly establish the set within the dialog will help a lot

lapis stream
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harsh obsidian
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i think that helps but even at the begining you need to give these marines more direction than just 'they travel around and are buddies.' you're setting up an ensemble cast but you still need one or two Main Characters and I didn't quite know who your main characters are among the two sets of folks. i think faryn is likely the MC of the fantasy, but he's very passive? he just kind of wanders around and says ominious shit

lapis stream
harsh obsidian
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yeah i mean replace rosie with farryn

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make him a real Father Figure to leo

lapis stream
lapis stream
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@harsh obsidian I wanted to have the two worlds collide in the first episode so we can experience the union early on. Right now, it is about halfway through where this happens. What are your thoughts on laying more of a foundation and having the worlds collide as a final scene?

smoky dirge
lapis stream
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It's so action-heavy because when I watch shows that have so much dialogue, I am always saying, "Get to the action already!" But I guess it's my job to make those non-action-filled scenes still entertaining! I wanted it to be chaotic and have a lot of unknowns that we start to unravel, but it seems that too much of any one thing is not good!

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@harsh obsidian @smoky dirge @pliant radish The input I have received so far has been so helpful, and I really appreciate all of it! I've gone from shooting in the dark to having something to aim for. 🎯

harsh obsidian
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in severance it was the realizization ghta that mark's neighbor is his boss -- it throws EVERYTHING into confusion

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in mad men it's the realization that don has a WIFE AND KIDS despite never aluding to them the entire pilot

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in interview with the vampire, it's not that we know lestat is a vampire, it's that louis has BECOME a vampire

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i think the problem with your setup and the twist is that we see it coming a mile away

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i can see the isekai merge happening halfway, and then something ELSE happening at the end that gives us that Oh Shit twist moment

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like... what if they see Ferryn and realize that's Corporal Hal Ferryn who went missing on a scouting trip last year?

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give us that Oh Shit moment at the very end

lapis stream
# harsh obsidian i think the problem with your setup and the twist is that we see it coming a mil...

I agree. I currently have it set up so that we follow one marine into the new world. We think he's the main character until he's vaporized by a dragon in the final scene. There, we also see Farryn, who is thought to now be dead, approach Leo with glowing red eyes and steal the very amulet he formally sought to protect. Up to this point, the thought was that only one marine was pulled into the new world, but in a post-credit scene, we see that's not the case. Ultimately, one of the Marines (the main character) is from this world. He eventually meets his mother, who was stripped of her powers. But in a last ditch effort to save him as an infant, she sent him to the world that his father is from. Ours.

harsh obsidian
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that's... a lot of set ups and rug pulls

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harsh obsidian
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and you'll spend a lot of time on one marine who will die (scott?) and who isn't going to be the main character and who is disconnected from the rest of the marines except as a revenge prop

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post credit scenes don't exist in tv, so you'll need to put all the answers in the story, and not rely on epilogues

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harsh obsidian
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while i think everything/anything can be pulled off in execution, i think that you might want to reconisder who your story is setting up to be the main characters and if they earn the screen time they get

lapis stream
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@harsh obsidian I've clearly got a lot of work ahead of me, but once I've reconstructed everything, would you mind if I sent you the revised pilot?

harsh obsidian
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you can drop it in here i'll be happy to read the first 20/30

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