James Evans and the Zodiac-Verse | Script Hive | Page 1

void summit Jan 2, 2025, 7:11 PM

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Format: 📺 Pilot. Genre: Sci-Fantasy.
Logline: A guilt-ridden, super-powered teen must reclaim his heroic abilities to redeem himself and help his father stop an intergalatic conspiracy -- only to uncover his own unexpected ties to the threat.
**Pilot Script is finished.

stoic portal Jan 2, 2025, 10:53 PM

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i think you need to be more clar about why james (your mc, i'm assuming) NEEDS to becomea superhero again

void summit Jan 2, 2025, 10:57 PM

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That's apart of the twist. But also, who said he was a superhero already in the first place?

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Also the clue is in the wording: "disillusioned and reluctant' why would someone be either of those things towards their born with super abilities? Hmm

stoic portal Jan 2, 2025, 11:05 PM

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you can be coy all you want, but there are no stakes in your logline

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"why" isn't even a question here, and not having that answered (or even vaguely gestured towards) means that this isn't a good logline

void summit Jan 2, 2025, 11:12 PM

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Stakes: personally if he's disillusioned or reluctant that means there are reasons or consequences that have occurred for him to feel that way that he's already experienced. Stakes are also in the log line about a catastrophic conspiracy which means consequences. Let's keep going with this I appreciate the feedback.

stoic portal Jan 2, 2025, 11:15 PM

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do you have an updated logline?

void summit Jan 2, 2025, 11:17 PM

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I'll give your response some thought but I respectfully disagree at the moment with your opinion of the logline....what i might change is that within the pilot he's forced to reconnect with his abilities after he closed them off so I may put that circumstances have forced him to reconnect in the logline.

stoic portal Jan 2, 2025, 11:18 PM

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it's even in your logline "must reconnect" but why??

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or else what??

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like you need to finish this thought

void summit Jan 2, 2025, 11:19 PM

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I figured the must reconnect is why the reader is then wondering why must he in the first place.

stoic portal Jan 2, 2025, 11:20 PM

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loglines aren't for the reader to wonder what happens -- loglines are there to convince the reader that you know what your story is about, and encourage them to continue reading.

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there is a formula for this sort of thing

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you need to establish stakes and consequences.

void summit Jan 2, 2025, 11:23 PM

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Again I respectfully disagree. Loglines are about creating interest in my opinion. And formula overall is a little overrated. I do agree a logline has stakes and consequences which are in the logline but ill give sone thought of inserting the why he must reconnect part.

stoic portal Jan 2, 2025, 11:24 PM

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just to kidn of clarify where we both are -- what's your experience level here? i genuinely don't want to talk down or disrespect you, so i would love to know where you are in your writing career

void summit Jan 2, 2025, 11:25 PM

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I'm brand new to the game. You?

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To my studying of loglines I always learned it as: demonstrate stakes, protagonist and/or MC, antagonist, and usually words like "however, or but" as the twist in the logline.

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But I do take your point I can clean up the personal stakes for James in a way that makes sense to me.

stoic portal Jan 2, 2025, 11:27 PM

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okay. i'm currently working in the industry, and i got a literary agent based on a logline

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i sold my second book on a thirty second pitch

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right now, your logline reflects your experience.

void summit Jan 2, 2025, 11:30 PM

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Well hopefully one day I'll get there. I appreciate the free advice.

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Whats your first book btw?

stoic portal Jan 2, 2025, 11:31 PM

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motheater, it's coming out in a few weeks

void summit Jan 2, 2025, 11:33 PM

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Nice I'll make sure i give it a look.

stoic portal Jan 2, 2025, 11:37 PM

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ty, that's kind

void summit Jan 2, 2025, 11:49 PM

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As long as I can define in the logline why he must reconnect his super-abilities was there anything else you suggest?

stoic portal Jan 2, 2025, 11:55 PM

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nope - stakes/motive are the most important thing

void summit Jan 2, 2025, 11:59 PM

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Got ya. Okay I'll rework it. I appreciate it.

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Would it be possible at all that I could send you the first 10 pages of the pilot -- if from what you're saying (which you're the only person I've gotten feedback from so far) that's the only thing logline wise I'd definitely appreciate any other feedback you have.

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This is my updated logline: "After his repressed memories threaten to unravel his life, a reluctant teen must finally reconnect with his super-abilities, but they're tragically linked to a catastrophic conspiracy that his father -- the world government's youngest Station Chief -- races against time to combat".

stoic portal Jan 3, 2025, 1:08 AM

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void summit This is my updated logline: "After his repressed memories threaten to unravel hi...

so this part is good "After his repressed memories threaten to unravel his life, a reluctant teen must finally reconnect with his super-abilities," but the remainder of the logline is confusing

void summit Jan 3, 2025, 1:10 AM

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Should I cut the overall story part of the logline then?

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His abilities (mkre so what he does with them) are connected to the overall plot

calm linden Jan 3, 2025, 1:12 AM

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how would you sell that tv show to a friend? What would u say that it's about? "You gotta watch this new tv show, it's about...."?

void summit Jan 3, 2025, 1:15 AM

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I'd say it's about a super powered teen dealing with repressed memories that compels him to reconnect with his super-abilities while they're linked to this conspiracy his father is trying to stop from happening.

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Basically james indirectly and unknowingly is apart of a larger plot conspiracy involving his superabilities.

calm linden Jan 3, 2025, 1:16 AM

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"a super powered teen dealing with repressed memories" is a much better logline than "A disillusioned, reluctant teen must finally reconnect his super-abilities,"

void summit Jan 3, 2025, 1:16 AM

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Got ya.

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Thank you.

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"After his repressed memories threaten to unravel his life, a teen must finally reconnect with his super-abilities as he grapples with his innocent role in a catastrophic
conspiracy that his father, the world government's youngest Station Chief, races against time to combat."

calm linden Jan 3, 2025, 1:27 AM

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you don't need to make it sound so "official"

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lots of things you don't need. for example his father being the youngest station chief

void summit Jan 3, 2025, 1:28 AM

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Okay

calm linden Jan 3, 2025, 1:28 AM

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you are not presenting a document or a formula you are trying to get me excited to read the script

void summit Jan 3, 2025, 1:29 AM

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Interesting. I figured since his dad being the youngest station chief will serve as an obstacle as the protagonist it was important to mention.

calm linden Jan 3, 2025, 1:29 AM

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but I dont get that, I don't get that it's an obstacle

void summit Jan 3, 2025, 1:29 AM

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Got ya.

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So I guess I've been teasing at things that aren't necessary in a logline.

calm linden Jan 3, 2025, 1:31 AM

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The problem with writing in general but especially screenwriting is that it's all subjective. No one knows anything. So, for better or worse, you need to trust yourself.

Which, in this case means, write a logline that would make YOU go "fuck yeah, I gotta watch that!"

#James Evans and the Zodiac-Verse