Devil's Night

[nova ore]

Genre: Horror
Format: Feature
Logline: After receiving an invitation from her missing sister to a carnival on the anniversary of her disappearance, a college student must avoid a demonic sacrifice ritual in order to discover just what happened.

[fleet wedge]

Getting a hint of life from someone long missing is intriguing, I like that part.

My gut reaction was that it’s just a lot to process and untangle in the logline. Perhaps there’s a way to be more clear and simple about it. (Like maybe just be clear that people think the long-missing sister is presumed dead?)

I don’t think it being the anniversary is worthy of the logline. It feels like a detail we would see in the execution but doesn’t feel like it’s core to the premise.

The protagonist probably could use some small description besides college student… it doesn’t evoke much for me on why to care about them. Perhaps it’s the fact that she never gave up hope of finding her sister? That’s more of a hook I think… we care about how she never lost faith (because many of us would do the same for our own loved ones, it’s a universal stubbornness.)

Receiving the invite is fun, but a bit passive. Maybe the idea works better if the protag actively tracks their sister down rather than sort of being summoned by an outside force.

The demonic haunting aspect maybe could use some specificity to it or unique flair. What makes it stand out from other sacrifice rituals we’ve seen? For example, does it involve playing carnival games and if you lose them you die?

Probably equally verbose and somewhat clunky, but my take on it is something like —

“When a stubborn young woman — who never lost hope that her long-missing sister is still alive — traces her sibling to a rundown theme park, she must win the most horrifying and gruesomely rigged carnival games in history in hopes of a reunion.”

[nova ore]

I like the detail of the carnival games.

[fleet wedge]

It does seem like that would really help take advantage of the carnival setting if the horror aspects can make use of the rides/games!

[nova ore]

Rides that the workers "forgot" to tighten a few screws?

[fleet wedge]

Yeah, love it. tons of fun creativity potential there.

Balloon pop game where the balloons are full of human organs.

Tower drop ride where you risk your top half staying stuck at the top as your bottom half gets ripped down.

Toss a ping pong ball into a fishbowl… where a few of them are bomb triggers.

I’m feel like that angle could be a good gimmick, but depends if that’s the story you wanted to tell.

[nova ore]

New Logline: After her years-long search for her missing sister leads her to an old amusement park, a determined young woman must survive a night a demonic carnival where all the attractions are dangerous.

[dusk badger]

After years of searching for her missing sister, a determined young woman must survive a carnival where every attraction is designed to kill— and escape is the ultimate prize…

[nova ore]

I like this one!

[dusk badger]

what is the significance of the carnival btw

could it be interesting if the carnival is a fond memory from when they were kids and shes almost spiritually summoned back their but now with whats happened its like the place is completely haunting to her?

[nova ore]

It's basically a carnival staffed entirely by demons. And if one survives the night, rumor has it that survivors will get a wish granted.

[dusk badger]

that premise is really cool is this something you plan on writing

[nova ore]

Yes. I'm on the first page now.

[dusk badger]

yeah that’d be cool

how are you going to tie the carnival to the sister

[nova ore]

Sister's car found, diary mentioning the carnival.

[dusk badger]

so there isnt like a sentimental reason why demons chose that

[nova ore]

I had another idea. They demon's cover story is trying to revive an old abandoned amusement park.

The Sisters loved that park as kids.

[dusk badger]

i think theres something good woth the sisters connection to it

maybe thats whwre she went missing

and why she returns

[nova ore]

The sister was a victim of the carnival, so...

[nova ore]

New Logline: After her years-long search for her sister leads to a carnival at an old amusement park, a stubborn young woman must survive the night when the attractions turn deadly.

[dusk badger]

After her years long search for her sister has her return to a carnival from their childhood, a stubborn young woman will do anything to survive the night when the attractions turn deadly

I think the emotional core of this being a shared experience gives it a bit more