Breaking George's Restraints - Animated Short - 6 Pages

[clear solar]

👋 Thanks for sharing. I like the simplicity of the story and that we’re seeing a bit of the dad’s perspective as well. In terms of improvements:

• I felt confused by the art school connection. I wonder if it could be more emotionally gripping with less backstory. What’s the one simple reason he’s leaving home?
• The emails and texts are quite long. Could they be quicker to skim so the viewer doesn’t miss anything?
• I wish we saw a bit more of the climax vs the build up. How does he get the keys from his dad? Does his dad give them to him? And is it an act of love or something else? Feels like we build up to a really emotional moment then kinda blow through it.
• There were several typos (sorry I couldn’t write them down bc I’m on the go)
• I don’t think you need all those “cut to” transitions, just go to the next scene
• The first scene is missing a header (where/when is it?)

[bright ridge]

Hi, thank you for sharing.

You have a lot of stuff in the action lines that you tell us but you don’t show it so there’s way for us to know any of that.

From small stuff like “Bill's art teacher.” and “* Bill's boyfriend” to big, important moments that are simply missed if you don’t show them.

For example:

• He looks at Olivia before he **feels **sorry
• George starts **feeling miserable **as he starts looking at the
  WEDDING PICTURE of him and Olivia. He then **feels sorry **as he
  looks at the ceiling above.

We can’t know what George or Bill feel, you need to show us that. There’s more.

• Bill still feels sad.
• He takes a deep breath and is regretful as he closes the door.
• George is shocked and starts to panic. He goes back downstairs.
• George sits down and starts feeling a bit scared.
• George takes a few slow deep breaths, starting to compose himself. Accepting what's to come as he's sorry.

How do we know that he’s shocked and what does “starts to panic” mean? What does he do? A lot of those are very important story beats and we’re missing them.

[proper hornet]

I thought telling how they feel was showing how they feel. I didn't wanna risk lacking subtext. How would you do it?

[bright ridge]

hey, you don't need to tell the reader but the audience watching the film. So instead of saying

"George starts feeling miserable as he starts looking at the
WEDDING PICTURE of him and Olivia. He then feels sorry as he
looks at the ceiling above."

Say,

"Tears form in Georges eyes as he looks at the WEDDING PICTURE."

That way we, the audience, know he is sad. Stuff like that.

[proper hornet]

Fair enough. Thanks for the feedback. I’d include George looking at the ceiling as we hear Bill packing. It ties it together.

[bright ridge]

Yeah, you just need visual cues like that, you're welcome!

[proper hornet]

Also auditory cues as well. I just need to remove feelings as it isn’t an action. I’ll look up how make up for it with actions that can maintain interest and that people can visualise as they read it.

[proper hornet]

I didn't put Isabelle's age in brackets as she never appears on screen (I thought that it was clear enough). I was gonna have Wally KNOCK on the door and Bill looks outside as we see Wally at the door.

[proper hornet]

NEW DRAFT! V3.

Made some changes and wrote actions as if they were prose to make actions feel more recent.

Breaking George's Restraints V2/V3 - Animated Short - 6 Pages

[proper hornet]

Breaking George's Restraints - Animated Short - 6 Pages