Breaking George's Restraints - Animated Short - 7 Pages

[hearty dragon]

this is an alright first draft i feel like the way Bill goes about leaving his dad is a bit odd though there is almost no feeling in his lines and actions, you build george up to be an asshole as the antagonist but its not exactly clear what he has done that is so bad other than have a dead wife. i think you need to develop the characters relationships more and make it more obvious that Bill intends to leave as it seems Georges sudden response is kind of odd given that we dont know if he knows Bills intention to leave for art school.

In summary i think Bill needs to be a bit more human and George needs to be a bit more of a character than an antagonist, maybe a stronger feeling of who the boyfriend is would be good to.

there just needs to be a reason for him to pursue school instead of comforting his dad.

he can be the bad guy but he can also have more oblique nuance if you get me?

[woven wharf]

Ok. I was trying not to make it too explicit as I’d respect the audience’s intelligence. I’d also use minimal descriptions and not too much parentheticals. I was originally gonna have it with no dialogue as I was influenced by classic silent films and Sergio Leone.
Any positives?
This is actually better than using WeScreenplay free of charge.

[hearty dragon]

there is respecting the audiences intelligence but there needs to be nuggets you dont have to say this is EXACTLY what happened just more subtle hints would be good like how would he know his boyfriend is helping him out maybe if he answered the door and was like hes not home or soemthing?

[hearty dragon]

this is a great premise and could be a really nuanced story with a few adjustments to characters and their interactions.

its also random that his boyfriend wouldn’t pick up the phone but that might just be a nit pick

like is the dad entirely homophobic

or is part of it feeling like slowly losing his son is remind him of losing his wife

[woven wharf]

I intended for him to be homophobic because he doesn't want to be alone since he lost his wife. And having adopted grandchildren doesn't count as grandchildren.

[hearty dragon]

that could be interesting

i think definitely play more into that

it would be good to make him more involved in the story

because it revolves around him

and he kind of just appears huffs is really suspicious for some reason locks his son in and thats about it

like his scenes almost arent necessary

[woven wharf]

True.

[flat swift]

Hi @woven wharf! To start: I'd just like to say that the story was amazing. I really liked how you told of Bill's mother's passing, and how you showed how it affected Bill and George. I think the story beats are really good and effective, and I especially like the quick cut from the George's punch to Bill and Wally being in the car. I found that a really interesting but mainly profound cut.

To some criticisms: I think you use the wording of "X feels more Y, before doing Z, and feeling A", if that makes sense. I feel like you should've just used the wording "looks to be" or just explained what they're currently doing. Because whilst one can see how someone is feeling; saying that someone feels a certain way; I don't feel like it necessarily shows what they're looking like or what they're doing. It feels more like a book than a screenplay, if that makes sense. (Also I'm not a naitive-english speaker so sorry for any misunderstandings)

I also think the use of LATER and SOON AFTER should be referred to the time stamps in the scene heading and not in the script itself. Because I don't know what I'm seeing as a viewer when I read that. Are they sitting still for a few more minutes or do we fade or cut to sometime later?

And found a few grammatical issues but nothing major from what I could find.

Overall, I really enjoyed the read. I think it has lots of potential and just needs to be ironed out in some aspects. Can't wait to read the finished thing and thank you for letting me read it.

[woven wharf]

I did like how it doesn’t preach too much about the LGBTQ and that it that it’s more than that when I put the Queen T-Shirt as a detail. I’ll add more character details to flush them out more so they won’t be one dimensional. @hearty dragon’s feedback said that my characters seemed to not have enough dimensions to make them interesting.
I’ll try to put looks to be and see if it works in visual storytelling.
I’ve seen examples of SOON AFTER or LATER in scripts. Thought it would save space than to put CUT TO for transitions.
I have Grammarly that can fix grammatical errors.
Appreciate the feedback.