harsh pawn
Attention Balatro players, fans, and others. It has come to the attention of the authorities that your leading star– the joker himself– Jimbo, is a seasoned criminal. We at the BBI (Balatro Beurre of Investigation) have filed a detailed report of his crimes. When Jimbo was taken into questioning, he confessed to committing these crimes. If you have any questions, ask us at BBI.fakenet, or at BBI@squeezer.false.
Illegal Antimatter redistribution scheme: Reproduced and redistributed government technology used to break the laws of space.
Ill Intended Decapitation: Chopped his friend in half. Clinging to life, he can now only play 3 cards until he perishes.
Illegal use of Invisibility: Used the ability to turn invisible to bypass attendance.
Finger Theft: Stole a finger off an innocent glove, and used it to pick his nose in public.
Credit Card Schemes: Loopholed the law in order avoid paying his due fees.
Cult Leadership: Started a cult that sacrificed others solely for selfish gain.
Statue Larceny: Repeatedly steals statues of cards.
Steel Monopoly: Manufactured steel and ruined every other company, bringing ruin to the steel market.
Indirect Scaring of Children: Hired a man to use his scary face to scare kids. One dropped an ice cream on his birthday.
Banana Extinction scheme: Intentionally bought out all bananas in order to extinct them.
Student Loan Evasion: Avoided paying his scholarly fees for the past 2 days.
Multi-Universal explosion: Erupted a supernova, cascading into the redoing of time and existence itself.
Petty Theft: Burgled several homes for their electronic’s charging cords.
DNA Manipulation: Fabricated himself into the DNA of all life.
Face Thievery: Stole a mans face 6 months prior to arrest.
Madness induced homicide: More murder, oh god, when will he stop?
Spirit awakening: Summons dangerous specters via séance.
Vampirism: Actually drank the blood off of other living beings with his dull, uncleaned teeth.
Regocide: Killed a king in cold blood in order to become one himself.
Public Drunkenness: Openly and proudly induced on alcohol.
Time Travel: Went back in time in order to become a ruler of an ancient Mesopotamian society. His faces litter sculptures and stone.
Swashbuckling: Stole yarr sea vessel and took her blubbin out to buckle with ye mateys.
Art Vandalism: Smeared the colors on several museum paintings.
Forged Gambling: Used loaded dice in order to illegitimately gamble successfully. We only condone failure.
Forged Licenses and illegal driving: Reads for itself.
Arson: Burnt down a musty mattress in the middle of nowhere. He “decided to sleep in it for a toasty night”
bright fiber